Jokes

[Pariah]

What do you call fifty three millionaires, sitting around watching the Super Bowl? 

 

Spoiler

The Dallas Cowboys

 

 

What do the Las Vegas Raiders and opossums have in common? 

 

Spoiler

They both play dead at home and get killed on the road. 

 

 

How do you keep bears off your front lawn? 

 

Spoiler

Put a goal line on it. They won't come anywhere near it.

 

[Ockham's Spoon]

A truck driver is delivering at the zoo when a keeper approaches him. “I have a problem. Our new female gorilla is in heat and needs a seeing-to. I can’t put her in with the others until she’s out of quarantine. Would you be willing to have sex with her for a hundred bucks?”

The driver thinks for a bit and says, “OK. But on three conditions.”

“What are the conditions?” asks the keeper.

“Well,” says the driver,” for a start, there’ll be no kissing involved.”

The keeper agrees, and the driver continues, “And nobody ever gets to hear about it. Nobody.”

“No problem,” says the keeper. “What’s the last condition?”

The driver leans in close and whispers, “Can you wait ’til Friday for the hundred bucks?”

[tkdguy]

 

[Pariah]

The Thin Mints I ordered finally arrived today.

 

I've eaten two boxes so far. They don't appear to be working.

 

I want a refund.

[Bazza]

All these philosopher puns are getting out of Kantrol.

These puns should be kept under Locke and key.

[Pariah]

A doctor is examining three old men for signs of senility. He asks the first one, "What is three times three?"

 

The first old man says, "A hundred and fifty-six."

 

The doctor asks the second old man, "What is three times three?"

 

The second old man says, "Tuesday."

 

The doctor asks the third old man "What is three times three?"

 

The third old man says, "Nine."

 

The doctor says, "That's right. How did you come up with that answer?"

 

The third old man says, "Easy. I just subtracted Tuesday from a hundred and fifty-six."

 

Edited February 17 by Pariah

[Ockham's Spoon]

A young priest has  been working hard on making his sermons engaging, and while most of the congregation seems to enjoy them, there is one guy who sits up front that always falls asleep during the sermon, right in front of pulpit, which galls the priest to no end.  The priest decides to teach him a lesson, so in the middle of his sermon, once the man has nodded off, he says in a low voice,

"Now I want everyone who is a low-down sinner, who disdains God, and listens to the words of Satan," he pauses and then shouts "STAND UP NOW!"

The man awakes, startled, and jumps to his feet.  He looks around a bit confused that no one else in the congregation is standing, and then turns to the priest and says,

"Well, Father, I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."

[Pariah]

Me: "Check out my mad line dancing skills! Pretty sick moves, huh?"

 

Him: "Um, this is a roadside sobriety test, sir." 

[Pariah]

Mrs. Johnson asked us, "What's your favorite animal?" I raised my hand and said, "Fried chicken!" She sent me to the office.

 

The principal asked me what happened. I told him, and he laughed, and said, "Don't do that again."

 

I don't understand. My parents always told me to tell the truth. I told my Mom and Dad about it that night. My Mom said Mrs. Johnson was probably a vegan or something, and told me not to do it again.

 

So the next day in class Mrs Johnson asked us, "What is your favorite live animal?" So I said, "Chickens!" She said, "And why is that?" So I said, "Because you can make them into fried chicken!"

 

She sent me the principal's office again. Again, the principal laughed and said not to do it again. So did Mom and Dad.

 

So today Mrs Johnson asked the class, who is a famous person who inspires you? I raised my hand and said, "Colonel Sanders!"

 

Guess where I am.

[Bazza]

I’ll guess, the poultry farm, because chickens. 

[BoloOfEarth]

I'm guessing the army, because, Colonel.

[Pariah]

My son asked me if a punch bowl is a bowl where you keep the names of the people you want to punch.

 

I usually just keep them in my head, but the idea of seeing them in a fancy bowl seems pretty festive. Agreed?

[Bazza]

Nope. #sorry 

[Ockham's Spoon]

Three mice are sitting at the bar, knocking down a few drinks. They get to bragging and the first mouse says, “Yeah, they put rat poison out at my place; I’ve developed a tolerance to it, in fact I kind of like it now—I sprinkle it on my cereal in the mornings.”

The second mouse says, “Meh, that’s nothing. They use those mouse traps at my place. I take the cheese and spring the trap, when the bar comes down, I grab it, do some chest presses to keep my pecs in shape, and then enjoy the cheese.”

The third mouse gets off his bar stool, puts on his cap and heads to the door; turning to the other mice he says, “God, I’ve had enough of this bragging. I’m going home to screw the cat.”

[Bazza]

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys, and phone"

[BoloOfEarth]

1 hour ago, Bazza said:

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys, and phone"

 

That reminded me of a joke I told here years ago.

 

 

[Pariah]

"What are you doing in that wardrobe?"

 

"Narnia business!"

[Pariah]

A young law student has just failed his final exam. In desperation, he goes to see his professor.

 

"Professor," he asks, "you are one of the most brilliant minds in this department, are you not?"

 

"So I've been told," replies the professor.

 

"All right," the young man says, "I have a legal question for you. If you can answer it, I will accept the failing grade without complaint. But if you cannot answer it, you must agree to give me an A. Are you willing to accept those terms?"

 

The professor thinks about it for a moment and then says, "Yes, I will accept those terms. What is your question?"

 

The young student asks, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither legal nor logical?"

 

The professor racks his brain for some time, but is ultimately unable to come up with an answer and changes the student's course grade to an A. The student thanks him and goes on his way.

 

The next morning the professor still hasn't come up with an answer, so he asks the group of his TAs the question. Much to his surprise, the TAs immediately indicate that they know the answer. He asks one of them to explain.

 

She says, "You are 62 years old, but you are married to a woman who's 25 years old, which is legal but not logical. Your wife has a 23-year-old lover, which is logical but not legal. And you just gave your wife's lover an A in your course, which is neither legal nor logical."

[mattingly]

[Pariah]

Q: What do a drummer and a philosopher have in common? 

 

A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

[Bazza]

Time actually is abstract. So not much a joke…should post it to the advice thread.  

[Bazza]

The blind vegan said “I got to watch what I eat…”

[Pariah]

Last night I made fish tacos. But they just ignored them and swam away.

[Ockham's Spoon]

Two guys decided to go fishing one day. They went to the marina, rented a boat, and out on the lake they went. They spent the day chatting and joking and catching fish after fish until both had reached their daily limit. Before heading in after catching so many fish, one guy says to the other:

“It’s really been a fantastic day. We should come back and do it again tomorrow.”

The other replies; “Great idea! We need to mark this spot and not tell anyone else about it.”

“Yeah, good idea.” he says. Then he pulls a sharpie from his bag, reaches down with a smug smirk, and puts a big X on the side of the boat.

The other one rolls his eyes and says: “How stupid can you be?  We can't mark the spot like that! What if we get a different boat tomorrow?"

[Bazza]

The patriarchy is dominate in the postal service. After all it is a mostly mail service.