Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 Did you hear about this new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu. You get what you deserve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 On 4/27/2021 at 10:10 AM, Bazza said: Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve. scooped. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 see also : Just Desserts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena—his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up, for now he was both unarmed and defeated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 ‘Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks. "They've all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander. "Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks. "Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers." "Really?" says the cowboy. "And what are they hanging him for?" "Rustling." mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 After I took a job at a small publishing house, the first books I was assigned to edit were all on the topic of dieting. "Isn't the market flooded with these types of books?" I asked another editor. "How do we expect to turn a profit?" "Don't worry," he assured me. "These books appeal to a wider audience than most." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 While I was performing in a show outside Chicago, there was a gentleman who could often be found hanging around the lobby. Everyone called him the Marquis. One day, I asked the artistic director if he'd gotten the nickname because he looked so distinguished. No, he replied. "We call him the Marquee because he hangs out in front of the theatre and is usually lit." Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 7 minutes ago, Bazza said: After I took a job at a small publishing house, the first books I was assigned to edit were all on the topic of dieting. "Isn't the market flooded with these types of books?" I asked another editor. "How do we expect to turn a profit?" "Don't worry," he assured me. "These books appeal to a wider audience than most." 10,000,000 Americans are overweight. Of course, these are round figures. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone. Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 A Harley rider eating in a restaurant is checking out a gorgeous redhead. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The biker reaches up, snatches it out of the air, and hands it back to her. "I am so embarrassed," the woman says. "Please join me for dinner." They enjoy a wonderful meal together and afterwards she invites him to the theatre, followed by drinks. She pays for everything. Then she asks him to her place for a nightcap, and to stay for breakfast. The next morning the guy is amazed. "Are you this nice to every biker you meet?" he asks. "Not usually," she replies. "But you just happened to catch my eye." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot explanations. The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players: Grimm Scarytales, Pain Eyre, Pippi Longstompings (Source: bookriot.com) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 From #NSAPickUpLines: “Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.” @Normwilner, “I know exactly where you have been all my life.” @Adonish_P mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 Stripping titles: We disbar lawyers and we defrock clergy, so why don't we: Delight electricians? Derange cowboys? Depose models? Debark tree surgeons? Depress dry cleaners? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 Would you like to join… The Yoko Club? Oh no. The German Philosophy Club? I Kant. The Compulsive-Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey. The Codependence Club? Can I bring a friend? The Procrastinators Club? Maybe next week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist): Drinkand Dr., Vicious Circle, West 943,185th Street, Psycho Path, Peoples Ct., Nofriggin Way Christougher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 Famous film quotes get the redneck treatment: “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’, “Use the horse, Luke.”, “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!”, “Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her ’68 Rambler into mine.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians: Counting Crows Feet, R.E.Member?, Nine Inch Toenails, Hair Supply, Minivan Morrison, The Early Byrds, WalkDMC (From Dave Pell of nextdraft.com, on medium.com) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back: Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.” Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.” Camp counsellor: “Don’t lose the kid.” Scuba diver: “If it moves, it wants to kill you.” Photographer: “Take the lens cap off.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2021 Report Share Posted May 3, 2021 Unlocking The Truth, a heavy metal band made up of eighth graders, recently signed a $1.7 million contract with Sony. Here are more kid bands we’re bound to see: Rage Against the Curfew, Food Fighters, Electric Night-Light Orchestra, Alice in Time-Out, Math Test Dummies, Pre-KC and the Sunshine Band, Onesie Direction (From humorlabs.com) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 There are over a million words in the English language, but we can always use more. Here are some that wordsmiths contributed to the Merriam-Webster Open Dictionary website: Epiphunny (noun): The moment of sudden revelation when one gets the joke. Nagivator (noun): A bossy person who rides in the passenger seat and gives directions to the driver. Phooey Vuitton (noun): A sub- standard, counterfeit Louis Vuitton product. Wuzband (noun): A former husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 Couch = People Shelf Books = Manual Films Bracelets = Clockless Watches Air Horn = Spray Scream Bottled Water = Snowman Blood Feather = Bird Leaf Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites... I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images? IV. How I Work: Read This Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator V. She Admitted to Doing What Every Sunday? VI. Seven Morning Habits of People Holier than You: #7 No Killing Before Lunch VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbour’s Servants IX. This Little Girl Bore False Witness, and the Results Will Shock You X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her (From DAVID TATE, on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, mcsweeneys.net) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honours purposely lousy opening sentences for non-existent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh: “Finally, after 97 long days adrift, Captain Pertwee was rescued, mercifully ending his miserable diet of rainwater and strips of sun-dried Haddock—which was actually far ghastlier than it sounded, what with George Haddock being his former first mate.” Christougher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 4, 2021 Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 FUNNY FICTIONAL FICTION #1 The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the "best" from the past year. As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, "Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand a foot ahead." --Dennis Pearce. mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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