Jokes

[Bazza]

A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!" The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you …"

 

[Bazza]

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another as an egg. I thought, Now, this could be interesting.

[Bazza]

One of the less difficult blanks to fill in on our job-agency application is "Position Wanted." One job seeker wrote "Sitting."

 

[Bazza]

The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to retire. "But you can't!" protests the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your calibre?

[Bazza]

My nine-year-old and I passed a store with a sign that read “Watch Batteries Installed—$5.” He seemed confused: “Who would pay to watch batteries installed?” 

 

[Bazza]

The insurance industry loves its acronyms. The first time I saw the term proof of ownership was in a client's file that read "Insured has POO on damaged items."

[Bazza]

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.” 

[Tjack]

Is that like the factory where they put together action figures from the MCU having a big banner that says “Avengers Assembled”?

[Bazza]

Tiffany adopts two dogs, and she names them Rolex and Timex. "Where'd you come up with those names?" asks her friend Mandy. "HellOOOOOO," Tiffany replies. "They're watchdogs!"

[Bazza]

Before the shopper could pay for her groceries with a personal check, I needed her address. "What's your street name?" I asked. "I don't have a street name," she said. "I go by Juanita."

[Bazza]

"You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told the faculty. He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe. A colleague had written, "Susan is beginning to come out of her shell."

[Bazza]

Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty. "Do you have six cents?" she asked. "Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents." "Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."

[Bazza]

Most people would be angry if their company was bought and the new owners replaced them with their own people. Not our neighbour Andy. "You know how it goes," he said, waxing philosophical. "Every circus brings its own clowns."

 

[Bazza]

My wife was in labour with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" I asked. "Nothing," he said. "She's just having contractions."

[Bazza]

It’s often a challenge to explain to strangers exactly what I do in the aerospace industry. At one gathering, I didn’t even try. I just said, "I’m a defence contractor." One of the guys was intrigued. "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

 

[Bazza]

As I helped my elderly neighbour clean out his garage, I stumbled upon an axe in the corner. "That was my grandfather's," he said, picking it up and running his fingers along the blade. "Of course, it's been through three new heads since he last used it."

[Bazza]

A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers. She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

 

[Bazza]

My 17-year-old niece was looking for a job, so her mother scoured the want ads with her. "Here's one. A couple are looking for someone to watch their two kids and do light housekeeping." "Hel-looo!" said my niece, rolling her eyes. "I can't take that job. I don't know anything about lighthouses."

[Bazza]

Once I'd finished reviewing my daughter's homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. "What is a group of whales called?" I asked. "I'll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music." "An iPod?" she guessed. "Close," I said. "But what I'm thinking of is a little smaller." "A Shuffle!"

[Bazza]

A dull-witted king is losing a territorial dispute with a neighbouring monarch. As the fight wears on, he gets more and more frustrated until finally he roars, "Where are my two court jesters?" In seconds, two jesters appear at his side. "Okay, let’s continue," he says, "now that I have my wits about me."

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

There once was a man

 

From cork, who got limericks

 

And haikus confused

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

I'm trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament.

 

But good players are really hard to find.

[Pariah]

Pariah => <= Logan

[Ockham's Spoon]

If you pat a dog's head, it will wag its tail.  What will a goose do?

 

Spoiler

Make him bark

 

[death tribble]

Do not use plastic kits for surveillance. They'll just get made