Cancer Posted July 16, 2022 Report Share Posted July 16, 2022 You left out the word "Repeatedly". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted July 16, 2022 Report Share Posted July 16, 2022 After my prostate exam, the doctor left and the nurse came in. She closed the door, and then said the three words no man wants to hear: "Who was that?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 16, 2022 Report Share Posted July 16, 2022 A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." Ockham's Spoon and slikmar 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 17, 2022 Report Share Posted July 17, 2022 Is there life after death? Consider the following: * After death, there is a period of mourning. * Morning comes at the close of night. * The knight stands beside the bishop. * Beyond the Bishop is the Pope. * The Pope has serious convictions. * For a serious conviction, you get life. Therefore, there is life after death. Quod erat demonstrandum. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 18, 2022 Report Share Posted July 18, 2022 WHAT do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic. WHY are paediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 18, 2022 Report Share Posted July 18, 2022 Over the weekend, we had a skylight installed in our apartment. The neighbors upstairs are furious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 18, 2022 Report Share Posted July 18, 2022 What do you call a fish with four eyes? Spoiler Fiiiish Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 19, 2022 Report Share Posted July 19, 2022 The long game. Pariah, tkdguy and wcw43921 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 19, 2022 Report Share Posted July 19, 2022 If I don’t perfect human cloning, I won’t be able to live with myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 20, 2022 Report Share Posted July 20, 2022 My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read anything. tkdguy and Ockham's Spoon 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 20, 2022 Report Share Posted July 20, 2022 Pun strength is measured on a sighsmograph. slikmar and Christougher 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 21, 2022 Report Share Posted July 21, 2022 A guy and a girl are sitting in a car at a local make out spot. Just as things are heating up, the girl says, "I'm sorry, I should have told you this earlier. I'm a hooker, and I charge $100." The guy shrugs, gives her the money, and things continue. Afterwards, he's sitting back in the seat, looking out the window and smoking a cigarette, when the girl asks him to take her home. "Yeah, I should've told you this sooner," he said. "I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back into town is $125." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 21, 2022 Report Share Posted July 21, 2022 Princess Leia: "You're not really going to fly into that asteroid field, are you?" Han Solo: "Relax, Princess. You'll feel right at home." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 22, 2022 Report Share Posted July 22, 2022 WHY did two fours skip dinner? Because they already eight. WHAT do you get when you cross a snail with an echidna? A slowpoke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 22, 2022 Report Share Posted July 22, 2022 WHY was the colour green notoriously single? It was always so jaded. WHERE do saplings go to learn? Elementree school. BEING a dog walker the easiest job. It's literally a walk in the park. WHY is it always hot in the corner of a room? Because it's 90 degrees. I USED to hate facial hair. Then it grew on me. HOW do farmer's count up all their cows? Using a cow-culator. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 22, 2022 Report Share Posted July 22, 2022 I called the tinnitus help line this morning, but there was no answer. It just kept ringing. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 22, 2022 Report Share Posted July 22, 2022 7 hours ago, Bazza said: HOW do farmer's count up all their cows?Using a cow-culator. Ranch dog: "I went ahead and gathered your 40 cows this morning." Rancher: "But I only have 38 cows." Ranch dog: "I know. I rounded them up." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 22, 2022 Report Share Posted July 22, 2022 Q: What did the mermaid wear to math class? A: An algae bra. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 24, 2022 Report Share Posted July 24, 2022 WHAT did the metal say about their recent purchase? It was a steel! WHAT happens when you stand behind a car? You get exhausted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 25, 2022 Report Share Posted July 25, 2022 Q: Why isn't holy water used in vaccines? A: Because you're not supposed to take the Lord's name in vein. (Okay, maybe not my best joke, but I figured it was worth a shot.) wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 25, 2022 Report Share Posted July 25, 2022 Professor X: What's your superpower? Me: Hindsight. Professor X: That's not going to help us. Me: Yes, I see that now. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 25, 2022 Report Share Posted July 25, 2022 A man I know has a stutter and is going to prison. I’m afraid he’ll never finish his sentence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 25, 2022 Report Share Posted July 25, 2022 Trying to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. Think I nailed it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 25, 2022 Report Share Posted July 25, 2022 I think knot. That lumbering attempt at carpentry humor just left me board. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted July 25, 2022 Report Share Posted July 25, 2022 "And I saw all that coming," he rasped. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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