Bazza Posted July 31, 2022 Report Share Posted July 31, 2022 WHAT do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites. HAVE you heard the joke about the ceiling? Nevermind, it would go over your head. WHAT is a ghost's favourite meal? Ghoulash. WHAT did the teddy bear eat for dinner. Nothing, he was stuffed. LAMB CHOPS : MARTIAL ARTS SCHOOL FOR SHEEP WHAT did the dentist get when he was voted dentist of the year? A little plaque. WHAT does Batman put in his drinks? Just ice. WHAT do ducks like on their tacos? Quackamole. I ASKED a wise man for help with my herb garden. He gave me some sage advice. DID you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them. WHY does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at C. I HAVE this disease where I'm obsessed with airports. The doctor says it's terminal. WHY did the man hate eating German sausages? He thought they were the wurst. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 31, 2022 Report Share Posted July 31, 2022 Not jokes…but funny. Undeniable Adult Truths 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection, again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. 17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1 .7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. 24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing. Starlord, Ockham's Spoon, Pariah and 2 others 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 31, 2022 Report Share Posted July 31, 2022 My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm. It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 31, 2022 Report Share Posted July 31, 2022 I spent ages trying to spell inconsequential before I realized that it's not that important. Ockham's Spoon and BoloOfEarth 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slikmar Posted July 31, 2022 Report Share Posted July 31, 2022 regarding number 7 in Bazza's post, added at end should be "for now, but my memory is getting worse" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 31, 2022 Report Share Posted July 31, 2022 Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma? There is no menu. You get what you deserve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted August 1, 2022 Report Share Posted August 1, 2022 On 12/17/2019 at 3:56 PM, Logan.1179 said: There is a new restaurant named Karma. It doesn’t have a menu. You just get what you deserve. On 4/26/2021 at 8:40 PM, Bazza said: Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve. On 5/2/2021 at 8:55 PM, Logan.1179 said: Did you hear about this new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu. You get what you deserve. On 6/9/2022 at 12:56 AM, Bazza said: DID you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu – you get what you deserve. 8 hours ago, Logan.1179 said: Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma? There is no menu. You get what you deserve. Dudes, are you two competing to see who can retell the same joke more times? 🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slikmar Posted August 1, 2022 Report Share Posted August 1, 2022 I would say that much like karmic life, it keeps coming around and being reborn in a different body. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted August 1, 2022 Report Share Posted August 1, 2022 Considering our collective karma, it's probably best interpreted as just re-presenting the leftovers that no one wants to eat. slikmar 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 1, 2022 Report Share Posted August 1, 2022 First one was from a web site, maybe readers digest. Second one was copied from the local paper. And Logan’s I’m the lead so I might have to repost it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 1, 2022 Report Share Posted August 1, 2022 I'M afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered. MY wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted August 1, 2022 Report Share Posted August 1, 2022 Just remember, there's no such thing as a free lunge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 1, 2022 Report Share Posted August 1, 2022 Six games. That's a joke. Logan D. Hurricanes and Starlord 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted August 1, 2022 Report Share Posted August 1, 2022 Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself. Me: Make up your mind. slikmar and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 2, 2022 Report Share Posted August 2, 2022 Earlier today, someone challenged me to name two structures that hold water. And I was like, "Well, dam." Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 2, 2022 Report Share Posted August 2, 2022 Earth, human. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starlord Posted August 2, 2022 Report Share Posted August 2, 2022 There's a new restaurant called Karma. You don't order, you just get wha...Hey! Is that a black cat?!?! Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 2, 2022 Report Share Posted August 2, 2022 If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted August 3, 2022 Report Share Posted August 3, 2022 Q: How do you kill a French vampire? A: Well, you can use a baguette, but it's a painstaking process. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted August 4, 2022 Report Share Posted August 4, 2022 Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But scream it at them in German because life is also confusing and scary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 4, 2022 Report Share Posted August 4, 2022 WHY do people take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one! WHAT do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated. HOW does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 4, 2022 Report Share Posted August 4, 2022 WHAT did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner. WHERE do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 5, 2022 Report Share Posted August 5, 2022 When I was in college, I was eating in a restaurant one day when a pretty girl came up and asked, "Are you single?" I said, "Yes, I am." So she smiled, grabbed the other chair, and took it back to her table. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 5, 2022 Report Share Posted August 5, 2022 Her: "Daddy, I've been a bad, bad girl." Him: "For the last time, the correct wording is 'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned'." Ockham's Spoon and Christougher 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 5, 2022 Report Share Posted August 5, 2022 WHERE do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school. WHAT does a sprinter eat before a race? Nothing, they fast! (Fast food? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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