Jokes

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

I'm so glad I was able to convince my daughter not to date this guy named Kelvin.

 

He's an absolute zero.

[Cancer]

Hey, he'll never be negative, which is something.

[Christougher]

My wife asked which Neil was the author.  I said Gaiman.

 

The astrophysicist is Degrasse-Tyson.

 

The austronaut is Armstrong.

 

The actor is Patrick Harris.

 

The supervillain is Before Zod.

 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

My wallet is like an onion.

 

When I open it, it makes me cry.

[Pariah]

"Master Qui-Gon, what took you so long? I was beginning to think that you had ... ghosted me."

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

My wife asked me “is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”

 

Apparently, “no it’s just you” wasn’t the right answer.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

I sent my hearing aids for repair two weeks ago.

Haven't heard anything since.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

I asked my wife what women really want. She said, "a tent of lovers."

Or perhaps it was attentive lovers, I wasn't really listening. 

[Bazza]

The British tabloids could publish whatever they wanted about Green Lantern as there is nothing he could do about their yellow journalism.  

[Pariah]

I just saw a sports car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.

 

It was a lamb bikini. 

[Bazza]

An angel came down for a meeting of the American Philosophical Association. Greeting the assembled philosophers, the angel offered to answer a single question for them. Immediately the philosophers set to arguing about what they should ask. So the angel said, “Alright, you figure out what you want to ask. I’ll come back tomorrow.” And he left the philosophers to deliberate.

 

Some of the philosophers favored asking conjunctive questions, but others argued persuasively that the angel probably wouldn’t count this as a single question. One philosopher wanted to ask “What is the best question to ask?”, in the hope that some day another angel might make a similar offer, at which point they could then ask the best question. But this suggestion was rejected by those who feared that no such opportunity would arise and did not want to waste their only question.

 

Finally, the philosophers agreed on the following question: “What is the ordered pair whose first member is the best question to ask, and whose second member is the answer to that question?” Satisfied with their decision, the philosophers awaited the angel’s return the next day, whereupon they posed their question. And the angel replied: “It is the ordered pair whose first member is the question you just asked, and whose second member is the answer I am now giving.” And then he disappeared.

[Bazza]

Thales walks into a coffee shop and orders a cup. He takes a sip and immediately spits it out in disgust, he looks up at the barista and shouts, “What is this, water?”

[Bazza]

Descartes takes his date, Jeanne, to a restaurant for her birthday. The sommelier hands them the wine list, and Jeanne asks to order the most expensive Burgundy on the list. “I think not!” exclaims an indignant Descartes, and he disappears.

[Bazza]

Jeremy Bentham goes up to the counter at a coffee house, holding a $50 bill. “What’s the cheapest drink you have?” he asks. “That would be our decaf roast, for only $1.99,” says the barista. “Good,” says Bentham and hands her the $50. “I’ll buy those for the next twenty-five people who show up.”

[Bazza]

WHY is the snowman getting a divorce? Well his wife was a total flake.

WHAT did the cash say to the card after their breakup? You're debt to me!

[Bazza]

WHY is it hard to have a conversation with a math expert? They always go off on a tangent.

WHAT kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.

[Bazza]

I THREW a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

PARALLEL lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

[Bazza]

MY grandfather has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

I BROKE my finger last week. On the other hand, I'm okay.

[Bazza]

SOMEONE stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. They have my Word. (And my Excel.)

WHY do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling.

 

 

She'll say, "You're nothing like Ryan Gosling."

[tkdguy]

2 hours ago, Bazza said:

Descartes takes his date, Jeanne, to a restaurant for her birthday. The sommelier hands them the wine list, and Jeanne asks to order the most expensive Burgundy on the list. “I think not!” exclaims an indignant Descartes, and he disappears.

 

In other words, don't be a cheapskate if you treat someone to a birthday dinner.

[BoloOfEarth]

I told my wife that I still have it -- two women were checking me out while I was shopping, particularly about my rear end and my waistline.

 

One said, "What a waste!" and the other said, "What an a**!"

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

"He who drinks a fifth on the fourth may not be able to go forth on the fifth."

[Bazza]

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”

 

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: “Do you like potato pancakes?” She says “No,” and the silence returns.

 

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again.

 

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?”

[Bazza]

A utilitarian, a deontologist and a solipsist walk in to a bar. 
 

The utilitarian goes up to the bartender and orders a round of drinks for the bar. Raising his glass, he says "To happiness and the good life!" 

 

After they finish the first round, the deontologist also orders a round for the bar. Raising his glass to the crowd, he says "To doing the right thing!" 

 

Once they finish the round, the solipsist goes up to the bar and orders a single drink. Raising his glass, he says nothing and takes a drink. 

 

The deontologist and utilitarian shoot him a dirty look and ask "Shouldn't you be getting everyone a round?" The solipsist looks at them quizzically and says "What do you mean? I just did!"