Jokes

[mattingly]

[Christougher]

1 hour ago, death tribble said:

I can't make cents of American currency

Don't worry, just pay your taxes...

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

"I always carry a flask of whisky in case of snake bite. I also carry a small snake."

 

-WC Fields

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: "Duck, eggs".

 

I thought, "That's an unnecessary comma." Then it hit me. 

 

* * *

 

What did the river say when it saw beavers approaching?

 

Well, I'll be dammed!

 

* * *

 

I recently ran an ultra-marathon in northern Sweden.

 

I realized that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

[Pariah]

What do you get when you cross an angry sheep with an angry cow?

 

An animal that is in a baaaaaaaad mooooooood!

 

(Hope you haven’t herd that one before)

[L. Marcus]

1 hour ago, Logan.1179 said:

I recently ran an ultra-marathon in northern Sweden.

 

I realized that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

Never let facts get in the way of a joke, they say, but ... Most of the border is a fairly large river.

[dmjalund]

50 minutes ago, Pariah said:

(Hope you haven’t herd that one before)

if i had, i would have told you to flock off

[Bazza]

What’s Batman’s favorite part of a joke? The punchline.
Have you heard of Batman’s brother, High-Hatman? He’s a cymbal of justice.
Batman doesn’t make New Year’s Resolutions. He enforces them.
Why does Batman wear a mask? Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.
What did the loaf of bread say to Batman? “Rye so serious?”
What’s the difference between Batman and a criminal? Batman can go into a store without Robin.
What do you call an injured Batman? Bruised Wayne.
Batman walks into a bar… and is kicked out because his mask doesn’t cover his mouth!
What does Batgirl wear to the superhero ball? Her Dark Knight gown.
What did Batman do when he went shopping? Got ham.
Why does Batman suck at card games? He always gets The Joker.
How does Batman like his coffee? Black as night.
Does Netflix have Batman Forever? Nah. Just until the end of the year.
What’s Batman’s favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
What is it called when Bruce Wayne forgets to pay the electric bill? A dark night.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? Get in the Batmobile, Robin.
What does Batman put in his whiskey? Just ice.
Why doesn’t Batman like Mr. Freeze? He always gives him the cold shoulder.
What’s Batman’s favorite kind of Chinese food? Kung Pow chicken.
Why did all the pictures come out dark from Batman’s party? He forgot to invite the Flash.
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied? Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
What’s Batman’s favorite drink? Vigilan-tea.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar. Followed by Batman.
How many caped crusaders does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They like it dark.
What is Bruce Wayne’s favorite baseball position? Bat boy.
What did Bruce Wayne’s mom put over his crib? A bat mobile.
You might think Batman was born in Gotham, but he was actually born in South Africa. Capetown, to be exact.
My friend said I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman. What a joker.
How does Batboy become Batman? He has a Bat-Mitzvah.
Why can’t Batman go fishing? Robin always eats the worms.
Why can’t Batman play chess using the white pieces? He always has to be the Dark Knight.
What do you get when you combine Robin with a Vita-Mix? Robin the Boy Blender.
Why did Mrs. Batman name their son Gotham? Because Batman always answers to “Gotham needs you.”
Where does Batman go when he wants to pee? The batroom.
What do you get when you cross Batman with a Christmas tree? Spruce Wayne.
What do you get for a Batman who has everything? Bat friends.
Why can’t Bruce Wayne get a second date? He has bat breath.
What do you get when you roll over Batman and Robin? Flat man and ribbon.
Why does Batman hate camping? Poison Ivy.
Where do Batman’s fish live? In the bat tub.
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot.
Why does Robin only wear bright colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot.
Batman walked into a bar, but got kicked out cause his mask didn’t cover his mouth.
How come Batman shampoo exists, but not conditioner Gordon?
Why did Alfred open his umbrella at Batman’s family reunion? Because it was a Wayne-y day.
How does Batman take care of Poison Ivy? Ointment.
Why is Batman so good at hitting home runs? He has a batting cage.
Batman: “Alfred, why is the batremote for the batTV is not working?”
Alfred: “Have you changed the batteries, sir?” Batman: “What are eries?”

[mattingly]

16 hours ago, Logan.1179 said:

I recently ran an ultra-marathon in northern Sweden.

I realized that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

 

Some of my friends run mini-marathons.

I'm in training for a micro-marathon.

At 1/1000th of a marathon, it's about 40 yards.

So far, I'm up to almost 20 yards before I have to take a break.

 

[Bazza]

16 hours ago, Logan.1179 said:

I recently ran an ultra-marathon in northern Sweden.

 

I realized that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

This joke would probably work if you replaced ultra-marathon with triathlon. 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Who Said, "I Came, I Saw, I Concord"?

 

Alexander The Grape!

 

Nope. Juiciest Caesar.
 

[Cancer]

Did he have the Three Muscatels among his subordinates?

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

 

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I'm homeless.
 

[Bazza]

I used to be addicted to to elevators.
Now I’m taking steps steps to to avoid them.

Why are are baker so poor? Because they knead dough.

[Bazza]

I USED to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.

THE grim reaper just got fired at the shoe factory. He was stealing. everybody’s soles. 

[Bazza]

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”? Because every play has a cast.

DID you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

[Bazza]

Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.

hoW do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.

[mattingly]

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank the coffee before it was cool, man.

[Pariah]

How many hipsters does it take to replace a light bulb?

 

Spoiler

Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it. 

 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Son: I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Can you do that dad?

Dad: Of course! Not to brag but could probably

watch someone do 100 push-ups.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

The first rule of

The Condescending Club is

kind of complex, and I don't think
you'd understand it even if I explained it to you.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow.

 

She's been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house, so I bought her a magazine rack

[Bazza]

WHAT do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Remorse code.

 

WHY do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.

I THOUGHT I had bad posture. Turns out, it was just a hunch.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Green is my favorite color.

 

I like it better than blue and yellow combined.