Jokes

[Pariah]

7 hours ago, Logan D. Hurricanes said:

Stay out of this, NANA. They know what they did. 

 

Ducking Autocorrect.

[Bazza]

NANA makes it even funnier. 

[Pariah]

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

 

Meanwhile, those waiting for the shipment were at a loss for words.

[Pariah]

Neil Diamond used to be known as Neil Coal, until the pressure got to him. 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

[Bazza]

2 hours ago, Pariah said:

Neil Diamond used to be known as Neil Coal, until the pressure got to him. 

That would explain why Nat King Cole was a cool dude & cool under pressure.  

[Pariah]

What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?

 

A literalist takes things literally.

A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

[Bazza]

Teacher: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Student: "Kind. Kind of a loveable smart-ass and genius." 

Teacher: "..."

[Bazza]

On 8/22/2023 at 12:17 PM, Pariah said:

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

 

Meanwhile, those waiting for the shipment were at a loss for words.

I can suggest a few choice ones… 

[Ockham's Spoon]

Two gentlemen are walking along the pavement to their club.

Two attractive ladies appear in the distance, walking the opposite direction.

As they get closer, the gentlemen and ladies give each other appreciative, appraising glances.

As they pass, no words are exchanged, but the nice ladies smile, and the gents tip their hats. Both ladies and gents continue in the direction they were headed.

After a few moments, with the ladies well out of ear-shot, one gent says to the other: “What the bloody Hell?! I could swear we just passed my wife and my mistress!”

And the other responds, “Jove! I was thinking the same thing!”

[Bazza]

On 8/22/2023 at 2:25 AM, Pariah said:

NASA is launching a mission to say "We're sorry" to the aliens.

 

They're calling it Apollo G. 

 

On 8/22/2023 at 2:41 AM, Logan D. Hurricanes said:

 

Stay out of this, NANA. They know what they did. 

NANA: National Astrological and Numerical Administration 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

[Pariah]

[Pariah]

Statements that are Technically True:

 

Lasagna is spaghetti in cake form.

 

A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply.

 

Once you’ve read the dictionary, every other book is a remix.

 

House arrest means you’ve been grounded by the government.

 

Halloween is just one huge annual cosplay convention.

 

The human race will not become extinct during your lifetime … or anyone else’s.

 

If your thumb gets cut off, you also lose your middle finger.

 

If you turn the volume up high enough, any device can be noise-canceling.

 

If you pee in your dream and actually wet the bed, that’s technically a dream come true.

 

Money can’t buy happiness, but poverty can’t buy anything.

 

If the opposite of Pro is Con, then Congress is the opposite of progress.

 

Every time you paint a house it gets bigger, but every time you paint a room in a house it gets smaller.

 

When someone asks you “Which way to the beach?” you can point in any direction and be correct.

 

If an axe murderer is chasing you, you’re both running for your life.

 

There is no physical evidence that today is the day everyone says it is. We just have to trust that everyone has been counting correctly since someone decided to start all those years ago.

 

If your parachute fails to deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

 

You spend your entire life filling the guest list for your funeral.

 

Every second of pain that you endure means one less second of pain you have to endure.

[dmjalund]

40 minutes ago, Pariah said:

When someone asks you “Which way to the beach?” you can point in any direction and be correct

not all coastlines can be described as beaches

[Pariah]

What did the treble clef say to the quarter note?

 

"I love your work, and I'd like to invite you to join my staff."

[tkdguy]

 

[BoloOfEarth]

The video above reminded me of a story of a man who came to the unfortunate conclusion that his 90 year-old father required more care than he could provide.  However, having heard horror stories of how elderly can be treated in many such places, he diligently searched until he found one that would take great care of his father.  About a week after moving his father in, the man came to visit and see how things had gone that first week.

 

As they sat in the dining hall talking after having a nice meal together, the father started to lean to the left, but one of the staff quickly came over and sat him back up straight.  A minute later, the man's father started to lean to the right, but another staff member ran over and moved him so he was sitting straight again.

 

"Well, it certainly looks like the people here pay close attention to you," the son said.

 

"Yes," said his father, "but they won't let me fart."

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

I think the scariest part of that song "Born to be Wild" is when they find a head out on the highway.

[BoloOfEarth]

3 hours ago, Logan D. Hurricanes said:

I think the scariest part of that song "Born to be Wild" is when they find a head out on the highway.

 

Well, they were looking for Ed Venture.  Maybe that was his head.

[Ockham's Spoon]

Therapist: "So what do we do when we get angry?"

 

Author: "Base characters of the people that upset you, and then brutally kill those characters off."

 

Therapist: "Um, no."

 

Author: *starts writing in his notebook*

[Pariah]

Editor: "How is the next chapter of that book coming along?"

 

Me: "I'm experiencing a lot of writer's block right now."

 

Editor: "What's the problem?"

 

Me: "I feel a powerful need to kill off a couple of characters."

 

Editor: "But you're writing an autobiography."

 

Me: "And...?"

[Pariah]

 

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

 

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

 

The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna".

 

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

 

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

 

It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those jerks at the post office. Sincerely, Edna".

[Bazza]

Mail taxes. 

[Ockham's Spoon]

Three guys find themselves at the pearly gates of heaven.  Saint Peter beckons them forward.

"I can only let worthy souls pass through the pearly gates, and so each of you must answer a question correctly to be allowed in."

The first man steps forward.  "Ask me any question, I am ready."

Saint Peter looks over the records of the man's life, and finds he has been devout and kind his whole life.  "Well, given your exemplary record on Earth, I shall ask you an easy question.  Who was the first man?"

"That's easy, Adam."

The bells ring, the birds sing, and the pearly gates open.

 

After the first man has entered Heaven, the second steps forward.  Saint Peter looks over his records, saying "You too have lead an exceptionally good life, so I will ask you a simple question as well.  Who was the first woman?"

The second man answers "Eve was the first woman."

And the bells ring, the birds sing, and the pearly gates open.

 

Once the second man has entered Heaven, the last man nervously steps forward.  Saint Peter is looking over his life frowning.  "I am surprised you were even allowed to approach Heaven with the life you have had.  Still, you are here, so I will ask you a question, but it will be a difficult one.  What were Eve's first words to Adam?"

The last man sweats nervously trying to think.  "Wow, that's a hard one!"

And the bells ring, the birds sing, and the pearly gates open.