Bazza Posted August 29, 2023 Report Share Posted August 29, 2023 1 hour ago, Pariah said: There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna". The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those jerks at the post office. Sincerely, Edna". Logan reacted to this…twice! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 29, 2023 Report Share Posted August 29, 2023 If you are below the 50th percentile but don’t know what this means. It means this is a mean joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 29, 2023 Report Share Posted August 29, 2023 Three dinosaurs are out hunting for food when they come upon a shiny lamp. One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it! “Hello! I am a genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get one wish! “I wish for a large piece of meat!” The first dinosaur said. And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him! “I wish for a meat shower!” The second dinosaur said. And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur’s head. Not wanting to be outdone by his friends, the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better. “I wish for a meatier shower!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 30, 2023 Report Share Posted August 30, 2023 Cletus was walking down a dirt road one day when he met a stranger with a sack slung over his shoulder. Something in the sack seemed to be wiggling. So Cletus asked the stranger "Hey mister, watcha got in that sack?" "Chickens," the stranger replied. "Hey," Cletus asked, "if I can guess how many chickens you've got in that sack, can I have one of them?" "Shoot," the stranger said, "if you can guess that, I'll give you both of 'em!" Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 30, 2023 Report Share Posted August 30, 2023 Cletus guessed three chickens. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted August 30, 2023 Report Share Posted August 30, 2023 Three mothers of teen-aged children were sitting down to coffee one morning. The first mother said she was cleaning her 16-year-old daughter’s room when she found a pack of cigarettes. “I never knew she smoked,” she stated. “I know what you mean,” the second mother interjected. “I was cleaning my son’s room when I found an empty vodka bottle. I never knew he was drinking.” The third mother stepped in with: “I was cleaning my 17-year-old daughter’s room and found a condom wrapper. I never knew she had a penis.” Logan D. Hurricanes and BoloOfEarth 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted August 30, 2023 Report Share Posted August 30, 2023 Quote from a forest ranger at Yosemite National Park on why it is hard to design a garbage bin that the bears can't break into: "There is considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." DentArthurDent and slikmar 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted August 31, 2023 Report Share Posted August 31, 2023 The legendary cellist Pablo Casals was asked why he continued to practice at age 90. "Because I think I'm making progress," he replied. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 31, 2023 Report Share Posted August 31, 2023 FOUND OUT MY LOCAL NATIVITY PLAY GAVE THE ROLE OF JESUS TO MY ANNOYING SWEDISH NEPHEW. CHRIST I THOUGHT THE SAVIOUR IS BJORN. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted September 1, 2023 Report Share Posted September 1, 2023 Did you know that undead outbreaks are commemorated ? Never heard of the Plaque of Zombies....... wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted September 1, 2023 Report Share Posted September 1, 2023 On 8/30/2023 at 11:15 PM, Bazza said: FOUND OUT MY LOCAL NATIVITY PLAY GAVE THE ROLE OF JESUS TO MY ANNOYING SWEDISH NEPHEW. CHRIST I THOUGHT THE SAVIOUR IS BJORN. Should have had him ride in on a pair of sheep. That way, ON TWO EWE THE SAVIOUR IS BJORN. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted September 2, 2023 Report Share Posted September 2, 2023 A man and his dog walk into a bar in New York. The bartender tells the man, he can stay but the dog has to go. Man says that his dog can talk and should be allowed to stay. "Okay, if the dog can really talk, prove it." The man turns to his dog and says "What is on top of a house?" "Roof!" says the dog. "And how would you describe sandpaper?" the man asks. "Rough!" says the dog. "And who was the greatest baseball player ever?" the man asks. "Ruth!" says the dog. The bartender has had enough of their BS and throws both the man and dog out of the bar onto the street. The dog turns to the man, lying on the street, and says “Dimaggio maybe?” BoloOfEarth 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted September 2, 2023 Report Share Posted September 2, 2023 I am setting a movie in a convent. It will be Nun stop action..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted September 3, 2023 Report Share Posted September 3, 2023 Was Barry white? Was Clint black? Was Marvin gay? Was George straight? It sure makes Stevie wonder. Christougher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted September 3, 2023 Report Share Posted September 3, 2023 Tom waits for the answer. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted September 4, 2023 Report Share Posted September 4, 2023 An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home. The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves. The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves. This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day." The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?' Ockham's Spoon, Pariah and slikmar 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted September 4, 2023 Report Share Posted September 4, 2023 What do you call a reluctant potato? a hesi-tater. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted September 4, 2023 Report Share Posted September 4, 2023 My friend Joe finished the Dolly Parton diet. He is now Joe-lean. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted September 4, 2023 Report Share Posted September 4, 2023 Flight attendant: "Coffee or tea?" Me: "Herbal tea. Chamomile, if you have it." Flight attendant: "Wrong. It's coffee." Ockham's Spoon and mattingly 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted September 4, 2023 Report Share Posted September 4, 2023 Elton John bought his pet rabbit a treadmill. It's a little fit bunny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted September 4, 2023 Report Share Posted September 4, 2023 Dear Math, Grow up and solve your own problems. Sincerely, Everybody Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted September 6, 2023 Report Share Posted September 6, 2023 "Is it true that your grandfather fought in the war?" "Yep. He came home with one leg. Never figured out whose leg it was, though." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted September 7, 2023 Report Share Posted September 7, 2023 Soda always tastes better from a glass bottle. It's uncanny. Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted September 7, 2023 Report Share Posted September 7, 2023 Bad news for Gemini's as Dracula is looking at two for the price of one. Those born under the sign of Cancer and Pisces should stay away from the beach as The Creature from the Black Lagoon is looking for crabs and fish. If the moon is rising in your sign beware of werewolves The fire signs Aries, Leo and Sagittarius need not worry about the Mummy, he needs to be worried about them. Frankenstein's monster is looking for a mate so Virgos watch out ! That concludes today's Horrorscope..... Christougher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted September 8, 2023 Report Share Posted September 8, 2023 "I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'." ~Bob Newhart Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.