Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 30, 2023 Report Share Posted June 30, 2023 I never understood why a set of false teeth is called "dentures". They really missed an opportunity to call it "substitooths". Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 1, 2023 Report Share Posted July 1, 2023 A man walks into a tailor shop in ancient Greece with a pair of torn pants. "Euripides?" asks the tailor. "Yes," responds the man. "Eumenides?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 2, 2023 Report Share Posted July 2, 2023 Narf! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 2, 2023 Report Share Posted July 2, 2023 Last week I bought myself a memory foam mattress. Now it's trying to blackmail me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted July 2, 2023 Report Share Posted July 2, 2023 I have the memory mattress and the gravity pillow. All I needs is the blanket of truth for the summoning! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted July 3, 2023 Report Share Posted July 3, 2023 What did the principal do when he found a group of boys in the bathroom having a competition to see who could pee furthest up the wall? Spoiler He hit the roof! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 3, 2023 Report Share Posted July 3, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 4, 2023 Report Share Posted July 4, 2023 I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting his grass! I started to move, then thought, “No; he can just mow around me.” Cancer, L. Marcus and Ockham's Spoon 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 4, 2023 Report Share Posted July 4, 2023 I own two shirts and some neckwear that used to belong to a guy who was in The Mamas & The Papas. All the sleeves are brown, and the tie is grey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 5, 2023 Report Share Posted July 5, 2023 (edited) Some jokes are so bad they are like a stuck tap. If they don't work, you have to faucet. Edited July 5, 2023 by Bazza Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 6, 2023 Report Share Posted July 6, 2023 My wife said she has fourteen reasons to leave me, including my obsession with tennis. I said, "That's fifteen, love." tkdguy and Rails 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 7, 2023 Report Share Posted July 7, 2023 This is ridiculous!!! It's July 7th and people are still shooting fireworks. One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire. Ockham's Spoon, Christougher, slikmar and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 9, 2023 Report Share Posted July 9, 2023 A unit of disco is measured in Travoltage. Christougher and wcw43921 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 9, 2023 Report Share Posted July 9, 2023 Her: "So, what is it that you do?" Him: "I'm working to eliminate all Cancers." Her: "Wow, that's really impressive." Him: "Thanks. When I'm done, I think I'll do Virgos next." Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 9, 2023 Report Share Posted July 9, 2023 Motivational Speaker: "Replace the word 'problem' with the word 'opportunity' in all your thoughts and communications. It will change your life." Me: "Cool! I have a severe drinking opportunity!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 9, 2023 Report Share Posted July 9, 2023 Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 10, 2023 Report Share Posted July 10, 2023 Her: "You shouldn't eat meat!" Me: "Don't worry, it's plant-based." Her: "Oh? What plant?" Me: "The meat packing plant." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh Neilson Posted July 10, 2023 Report Share Posted July 10, 2023 1 hour ago, Pariah said: Her: "You shouldn't eat meat!" Me: "Don't worry, it's plant-based." Her: "Oh? What plant?" Me: "The meat packing plant." You are what you eat. Cows eat grass. Therefore, cows are vegetables. [Really, how much more plant-based can your protein get? How many plants do lentils eat?] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 10, 2023 Report Share Posted July 10, 2023 I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I get a life, I'll be notified immediately. Pariah and Ockham's Spoon 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 10, 2023 Report Share Posted July 10, 2023 Can you order one for me too? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slikmar Posted July 10, 2023 Report Share Posted July 10, 2023 Not me, last thing I want is what most people call a Life. Way to many other people in it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 10, 2023 Report Share Posted July 10, 2023 Thread of goodness Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 13, 2023 Report Share Posted July 13, 2023 Jokes from Rick Wakeman Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? A: Homeless. Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch? A: A banjo into a skip [garbage can] from 30 yards. Q: What's the least heard expression in a recording studio? A: "I'm sorry we're running late, the banjo player's just parking his Porsche." mattingly and Ockham's Spoon 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted July 13, 2023 Report Share Posted July 13, 2023 My kids are at an age where they use their phones to take pictures of everything they do in order to document their lives. I am at an age where I use my phone to take pictures of labels so I can enlarge them enough to be able to read them. Pariah and slikmar 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 13, 2023 Report Share Posted July 13, 2023 A good banjo player is hard to find. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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