Jokes

[Ockham's Spoon]

Jesus was walking around Heaven one day. In a small, secluded garden He saw an old man, crying. Alarmed, Jesus ran up to him and said, “Hey, now, what’s all this? This is paradise. There should be no tears or sorrow.”

The old man wiped away his tears and said, “Oh, I know. I’m sorry. But… well, many years ago, a son came to me through… well, let’s say ‘mysterious circumstances’. After many trials he went through a miraculous transformation, and a book was written about him that became known the world over. I thought I would find him here, but I haven’t. I’m afraid I’ll never see him again.”

Wide-eyed, Jesus looked at the man and said, “Wait a minute… You weren’t, by any chance… a carpenter, were you?”

The man looked up in surprise. “Why, yes. Yes, I was!”

Jesus burst into tears of joy and held out His arms saying, “Father!”

The man cocked his head doubtfully and said, “Pinocchio???”

[Pariah]

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

 

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

 

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

 

After a long period of silence, she finally speaks.

 

“Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.”

 

Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

 

She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

 

“There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

 

“Ex-wife!”, she screams, “You never told me you were married before!”

 

Tom’s reply:

 

“I wasn’t”.

[Pariah]

I read an article today advocating the use of glass coffins.

 

Are glass coffins a good idea? Remains to be seen....

[Ockham's Spoon]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says-- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Ockham's Spoon]

With the writers' strike going, we may end up with a lot of unscripted reality TV.  Here's a pitch for a new reality TV show:

A show in the vein of The Amazing Race in which Flat Earthers try to travel to the edge of the world

[wcw43921]

I'd watch that just to see them completely dumbfounded.

[Pariah]

The contestants may struggle at first, but I think eventually they'll come around. 

[Bazza]

Too funny. Who needs make believe, when it is IRL. Yes I know “Flat Earthers”. 

[Bazza]

Q: What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc?
A: One is made of wood and the other is Maid of Orléans.

[Bazza]

Did you know that insurance companies are warning campers that if your tent is stolen at night; you won’t be covered.

[Bazza]

If lightning hit an orchestra, who is more likely to get hit? The conductor.

[Bazza]

My wife called me at the pub last night. She said: “if you are not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked for you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes; hate for anything to happen to that dog. 

[Bazza]

If the Earth was flat…don’t you think cats would have pushed everything off it by now? 

[Pariah]

Which essential oil helps calm down children?

 

Is it chloroform?

 

It's chloroform, isn't it? 

[Ockham's Spoon]

Take-your-child-to-work-day, and everyone is mingling and have a nice time until my 5-year-old pipes up "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you work with?"

[death tribble]

What kind of bees produce milk ?

 

Boo Bees

 

If Flash Gordon's archfoe had no sense of humour would he be Ming the Mirthless....

[Ockham's Spoon]

Actually heard this on NPR

 

How accurate is economic forecasting?  Let's just say that some people argue that economic forecasting makes astrology look respectable.

[Pariah]

I read the other day that Pixar is going to do an animated retelling of Homer's Iliad. 

 

They're calling it Troy Story.

[Starlord]

"Siri, why don't girls like me?"

 

"I'm Alexa, you jackass!"

[Pariah]

Child: "Dad, can we go to a haunted house this Halloween?"

 

Dad: "What's wrong with the one we live in?"

 

Child: "What?!"

 

Dad: "Good night, son. Sweet dreams!"

[Pariah]

Me: "I really love Worchestershire sauce. It's fantastic."

 

Them: "Why, what's so great about it?"

 

Me: "Well, it's hard to say."

["V"]

A man goes into a bakery in Edinburgh and asks "How much are your cakes?"

"They're all a pound each," says the baker, "except for that one, which is two pounds."

 

"Why is that one two pounds?" asks the customer

"That's ma dearer cake."

 

[Starlord]

What kinda store sells only bagels and donuts?

 

Whole foods

[Pariah]

One day, a man posted an advertisement in the newspaper personals saying, "Wife wanted."

 

The next day, he had received over a hundred responses. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

[Bazza]

Wouldn’t it have been more appropriately in the secondhand section?