Bazza Posted February 6, 2023 Report Share Posted February 6, 2023 Touche. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 Why God never received a PhD: 1. He had only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13. Some say he had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top. 17. No record of working well with colleagues. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 Why is it inadvisable to drink water while studying? Spoiler Because adding water decreases concentration. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 The solution is homeopathy… Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 Why did the German go to the bar? Because he has a drinking problem that's slowly tearing his family apart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... "Now give me back my dog." Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 Why do programmers get confused between Christmas and Haloween? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31. There are only 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 Her: "What do you do for fun?" Him: "I really enjoy viewing the universe through my telescope." Her: "Really? I've never used one before." Him: "You should definitely look into it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 More than five million American women are overweight. These, of course, are round figures. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 1 hour ago, Pariah said: Her: "What do you do for fun?" Him: "I really enjoy viewing the universe through my telescope." Her: "Really? I've never used one before." Him: "You should definitely look into it." She looked at Venus and it was love at first sight! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 I went to sleep with my head under my pillow. When I woke up, I had $10, but all my teeth were gone! Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 Q: What do you get when you mix holy water with milk of magnesia? A: A Religious movement Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 I have to take my paycheck to the bank. it's too little to go by itself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 Q: Why did the chicken go to a seance? A: To get to the other side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 4 hours ago, Bazza said: Why did the German go to the bar? Because he has a drinking problem that's slowly tearing his family apart. I'm sorry. I don't get this Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. Christougher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Emo Philips Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown and fewer still to ignore someone completely. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 War is God's way of teaching us geography Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing in an airplane, and everyone else joins in. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 5 hours ago, dmjalund said: I'm sorry. I don't get this Maybe @Logan D. Hurricanes can explain it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 7, 2023 Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 3 hours ago, Bazza said: War is God's way of teaching Americans geography Fixed that for ya. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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