Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 1, 2023 Report Share Posted May 1, 2023 You really had to dig for that one. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted May 1, 2023 Report Share Posted May 1, 2023 Seemed pretty slick to me.... Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 2, 2023 Report Share Posted May 2, 2023 (edited) When Bob died, he left $30,000 behind with very specific instructions for his funeral. After the service, Jody came up to his widow Helen and said, "That was really a beautiful service. But tell me, how much did you really spend on it?" "All of it," Helen responded. "$30,000." "No way," Jody responded. "How much did everything cost?" "Well, the funeral home charged $6500 for preparation, burial, the casket, and the plot," Helen said. "I donated $500 to the church. Food, drinks, and the speaker for the wake cost another $1000. The rest went to the memorial stone." Jody did a quick bit of mental math. "The memorial stone was $22,000? How big is it?" "Two and a half carats." Edited May 2, 2023 by Pariah Ockham's Spoon, Christougher and Logan D. Hurricanes 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 2, 2023 Report Share Posted May 2, 2023 "Will Freddie play a guitar solo?" "No, but Brian may." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 2, 2023 Report Share Posted May 2, 2023 A woman stormed into an elementary school classroom after school one day. The teacher greeted her and asked, "What can I help you with today, Mrs. Jones?" "You can help me find the disgusting little criminal who stole my daughter's towel at the swim party yesterday." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that happened. One of the kids probably just picked it up by mistake." "Oh, no, someone definitely stole it. I know the kind of delinquents you have in your class." She took a deep breath. "Mrs. Jones, instead of name-calling, maybe you can just tell me what the towel looks like so that I can keep an eye out for it." She responded with a huff, "It's green and white and it has the words 'Holiday Inn' on it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted May 3, 2023 Report Share Posted May 3, 2023 An Englishman staggers, ashen-faced, into a roadside bar, demanding a large brandy. The barman is concerned. “Well” says the man, “I was just driving along and my BMW suddenly gave up the ghost! So I cruised into the layby just along the road here, and opened the bonnet. But I have no idea how these modern cars work! I was about to call the Automobile Association when I saw two horses come up to the fence and peer at the engine. And one of them actually spoke! Clear as day! Couldn’t believe my ears!” “Oh, yes – what did it say?” “Well, this is the extraordinary thing – it told me to press down on some bit of plastic until I heard a click. So I did that – and then this horse told me to try the engine – and it started immediately!” “Ah,” said the barman. “And tell me, what colour was this horse?” “Colour? Colour? Whatever do you mean? The damn’ thing spoke to me, clear as day! In fact, it was a brown horse!” “Thought so,” says the barman, polishing the next batch of glasses. “Thought so? Didn’t you hear what I was saying? This horse dam’ well spoke to me!” “Well”, says the barman, “I thought it would be her. The white one knows nothing about BMW ignition systems!” Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 5, 2023 Report Share Posted May 5, 2023 Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 5, 2023 Report Share Posted May 5, 2023 If there are any guitar players out there who want to know the secret to making their instrument sound better, stay tuned! Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 6, 2023 Report Share Posted May 6, 2023 INCONTINENCE HOTLINE, PLEASE HOLD. Cancer, Ockham's Spoon, wcw43921 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 7, 2023 Report Share Posted May 7, 2023 Old librarians don’t retire, we just turn the page. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 7, 2023 Report Share Posted May 7, 2023 What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's a 2-ton animal and the other's a little lighter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 7, 2023 Report Share Posted May 7, 2023 Interviewer: Can I get your references? Me: *sighing* Probably not; nobody else does. slikmar, BoloOfEarth, Christougher and 2 others 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 7, 2023 Report Share Posted May 7, 2023 I can’t help but keep buying books, I have no shelf control. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 7, 2023 Report Share Posted May 7, 2023 I played our wedding video backward yesterday. It really cheered me up to see how I take the ring off my wife's finger, get out of the church and go drinking with my best friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 7, 2023 Report Share Posted May 7, 2023 "...and that's when she hit me with the cast iron skillet, Your Honor." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 8, 2023 Report Share Posted May 8, 2023 You probably deserved it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slikmar Posted May 8, 2023 Report Share Posted May 8, 2023 4 hours ago, Bazza said: You probably deserved it. probably? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermit Posted May 8, 2023 Report Share Posted May 8, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 9, 2023 Report Share Posted May 9, 2023 Q: What do you call a female Mandalorian? A: A womandalorian. Q: What you you five Dark Lords of the Sith impaled on the same lightsaber? A: Sith kabob. Q: Why was the pitcher from the moon of Endor cut from the baseball team? A: Ewoked every batter. Q: Where did Luke Skywalker buy his prosthetic limb? A: At a second hand store. Q: What do you get when you cross a bounty hunter with a tropical fruit? A: Mango Fett. Q: Who do Jedi knights call to help them read PDF files? A: Adobe-wan Kenobi. Q: Which Jedi knight was also a rock star? A: Bon Jovi-wan Kenobi. Q: What did the rancor say after eating a Wookie? A: Mmmm, chewie. wcw43921 and tkdguy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted May 9, 2023 Report Share Posted May 9, 2023 10 hours ago, Hermit said: The joke's on her. He's not even wearing a bra Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 10, 2023 Report Share Posted May 10, 2023 Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 10, 2023 Report Share Posted May 10, 2023 I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused. Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 10, 2023 Report Share Posted May 10, 2023 Error 404: Your haiku could not be found. Try again later. Cancer and Ockham's Spoon 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 10, 2023 Report Share Posted May 10, 2023 What do you give a Buddhist who has everything? Emptiness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted May 10, 2023 Report Share Posted May 10, 2023 A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited. He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem ― how to carry his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer replied "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot." The old lady suggested "Why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand." "Why, thank you very much, that works just fine!" he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said "Let’s take my usual short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t have your way with me?” The farmer said with some irritation "Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I do that?" The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint can on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens." Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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