Jokes

[Bazza]

5 OUT OF 4 PEOPLE STRUGGLE WITH MATHS

[Pariah]

The first step to solving that problem would be the realization that it's not plural. 

[Bazza]

Woman on radio 4 was just talking about her dog, 'Hamlet' and I said “presumably a Great Dane", and got nothing from my family. Not even a smirk.

Edited April 19, 2023 by Bazza

[Bazza]

2 hours ago, Pariah said:

The first step to solving that problem would be the realization that it's not plural. 

I hate to be the one to break this too you, but math is indeed plural. Arithmetic is quantitative math, and arithmology is qualitative math. Without the later there would be no ‘unity’ or ‘trinity’ as they fall under that discipline.   

[Bazza]

10 hours ago, Bazza said:

Woman on radio 4 was just talking about her dog, 'Hamlet' and I said “presumably a Great Dane", and got nothing from my family. Not even a smirk.

c’mon, Hamlet, Denmark, great Dane… is it just me? 

[tombrown803]

got it, just didn't find it funny

 

[mattingly]

[Cancer]

Problematic in other interesting ways would be a Bill (credit card or a $2?) or a Saint (since you have to be dead to be a saint).

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I'm not joking, but he is.

[death tribble]

Who do the Avengers go to if they have a bunion ?

 

Kang, the Corn Curer !

[BoloOfEarth]

On 4/18/2023 at 8:20 PM, Bazza said:

Woman on radio 4 was just talking about her dog, 'Hamlet' and I said “presumably a Great Dane", and got nothing from my family. Not even a smirk.

 

On 4/19/2023 at 7:10 AM, Bazza said:

c’mon, Hamlet, Denmark, great Dane… is it just me? 

 

On 4/19/2023 at 10:07 AM, tombrown803 said:

got it, just didn't find it funny

 

Well, I did.   

[Pariah]

Why do Mexican walking fish learn so much?

 

Because they axolotl questions. 

[Bazza]

25 Classics
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

[Pariah]

What do we call people who don't like pickles?

Dillusional. 

[Pariah]

Due to inflation and supply chain issues, dirty deeds will no longer be done dirt cheap. We apologize for any inconvenience this might cause.

[Pariah]

A vegan, a crossfitter, and an anti-vaxxer walked into a bar.

 

And everybody knew it within 30 seconds.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

My wife crashed the car while listening to Adele.

 

She was rolling in the Jeep.

[Pariah]

JEEP = Just Empty Every Pocket 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Elvis Costello and ABBA are touring together this summer but they haven't figured out who the headliner will be.

 

So, watch for ABBA and Costello to find out who's on first.

[Pariah]

"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you're wishing you had a club and a spade."

~ Garrison Keillor

[Ockham's Spoon]

Active voice: "I loved your book."

 

Passive voice: "Your book was loved."

 

Passive-aggressive voice: "I love that you thought you should write a book."

[mattingly]

14 hours ago, Pariah said:

"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you're wishing you had a club and a spade."

~ Garrison Keillor

 

If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. -- Da Yoopers 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Someone tore the 5th month from my calendar. I'm dismayed. 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

When I get to work, the first thing I do is hide.

Good employees are hard to find.

[Pariah]

I told my classes a joke about oil the other day. That afternoon I got an e-mail from a parent, complaining that their child found my humor too crude. I apologized and promised to focus on more refined jokes from now on.