Bazza Posted February 9, 2023 Report Share Posted February 9, 2023 I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. BoloOfEarth 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted February 9, 2023 Report Share Posted February 9, 2023 16 hours ago, Bazza said: What happens if you get scared half to death twice? This reminded me of a joke I told here back in November 2020: A woman finds an old brass oil lamp, rubs some grime off, and a genie pops out. "I'm required to grant you three wishes," he says, "but I'm rather irritable after being trapped in that lamp for hundreds of years, so whatever you wish for, I'm going to give double that to your ex-husband." "That jerk!" says the lady. "He cheated on me and left me for a younger woman! I don't want him to get anything!" The genie smiled. "Nonetheless, that is the deal. He gets double what you get." "Fine," huffs the woman. "For my first wish, I wish I had ten million dollars." "As you wish," says the genie, "And your ex now has twenty million dollars." "I wish I had a private island where I could live, with a mansion and dock for my yacht and all the amenities - electricity, clean water, satellite internet access, the works." "No problem, says the genie. "Your ex now has two private islands. And your last wish?" The woman smiles. "I wish you would scare me half to death." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 9, 2023 Report Share Posted February 9, 2023 I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted February 9, 2023 Report Share Posted February 9, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 10, 2023 Report Share Posted February 10, 2023 If they ever come up with a Swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, then Jumping Off Something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 10, 2023 Report Share Posted February 10, 2023 Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me alone. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted February 14, 2023 Report Share Posted February 14, 2023 Astronomers do not want to come first. They want the Constellation prize...... Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 15, 2023 Report Share Posted February 15, 2023 Ockham's Spoon and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted February 15, 2023 Report Share Posted February 15, 2023 Count stars in this... Spoiler https://xkcd.com/1020/ Logan D. Hurricanes and Ockham's Spoon 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted February 17, 2023 Report Share Posted February 17, 2023 On 2/15/2023 at 2:26 PM, Cancer said: Count stars in this... Hide contents https://xkcd.com/1020/ One of my astronomy classes had us looking at the Orion Nebula through a telescope. Before we began, the professor pointed to the area and told the class, "Get your minds out of the gutter; it's a sword." Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 17, 2023 Report Share Posted February 17, 2023 Quantum entanglement simplified. Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe. Pariah and Ockham's Spoon 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 17, 2023 Report Share Posted February 17, 2023 What the world needs is a new pair of socks. Song by Aussie group Spectrum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted February 18, 2023 Report Share Posted February 18, 2023 In physics, Rate x Time = Distance In bed, Rate x Time = Prostitute Pariah and Logan D. Hurricanes 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 20, 2023 Report Share Posted February 20, 2023 I excel at saying 39 in Roman numerals. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted February 20, 2023 Report Share Posted February 20, 2023 On 2/18/2023 at 8:48 AM, Ockham's Spoon said: In physics, Rate x Time = Distance In bed, Rate x Time = Prostitute What do the three women in a man's life say? There's the prostitute, who says, "Are you through yet?" The mistress, who says, "Finished already?" And the wife, who says, "Beige. I think we'll paint the ceiling beige." Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 25, 2023 Report Share Posted February 25, 2023 What does Zeus wear under his clothes? Thunderwear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted March 8, 2023 Report Share Posted March 8, 2023 Credit Laura Kightlinger: I can't think of anything worse after a night of heavy drinking than waking up in a bed with a person whose name you can't remember, or how you met, or why they're dead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 10, 2023 Report Share Posted March 10, 2023 So Palpatine wants Padme dead but doesn’t want to do it himself so he gets Count Dooku to do it but he doesn’t want to do it himself so he hires Jango Fett and he doesn’t want to do it himself so he hires a Shapeshifter and she doesn’t want to do it herself so she sends a robot here’s the best part the robot doesn’t want to do it himself so he sends these things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 10, 2023 Report Share Posted March 10, 2023 Ockham's Spoon and slikmar 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted March 11, 2023 Report Share Posted March 11, 2023 A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks them what they will have. The rabbit says "I have no idea. I am only here because of Autocorrect." Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted March 12, 2023 Report Share Posted March 12, 2023 I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 12, 2023 Report Share Posted March 12, 2023 True story: Last night was my third date with a certain gal. We watched a movie at her place. I offered to cook. I meant to text her, "Are you allergic to anything, or is there something you otherwise don't like?" But it came out as, Spoiler "Are you allergic to anything, or is there something you otherwise dong like?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted March 12, 2023 Report Share Posted March 12, 2023 Sometimes I think I'm buying organic vegetables, but when I get home I realize they're just regular donuts. slikmar, Cancer and Ockham's Spoon 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted March 16, 2023 Report Share Posted March 16, 2023 Dudley is hanging out on the beach with his popular cousin, Chad. "Gee, Chad, you always have girls flocking around you. They won't even give me the time of day. Do you have any pointers?" Chad looks over Dudley and sees that he doesn't have a lot to work with. So he thinks a minute and then says "Okay, try this. Get a potato and stick it in your swim trunks. That will get the girls to notice you for sure." Later that day, Dudley comes to talk to Chad again. "I don't know Chad, I tried the potato thing out, but if anything it just made the girls avoid me even more." "You idiot, you were supposed to put the potato in the front of your swim trunks!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted March 17, 2023 Report Share Posted March 17, 2023 "Why are the lights out?" "A transformer blew up." "I think it was Starscream." "No, it had to be Optimus Prime. he always gets blown up." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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