BoloOfEarth Posted December 5, 2023 Report Share Posted December 5, 2023 A monastery has a rule where the junior monks must take a vow of silence, except for once a year when they may speak two words. After joining the monastery, one monk reaches the end of his first year and may speak his two words. He says, "Bed's hard." A year later, when he can speak his two words, he says, "Oatmeal's cold." The next year, he says, "I quit" and walks out. The head monk (who's allowed to speak freely) says, "No surprise there. He was always complaining." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 6, 2023 Report Share Posted December 6, 2023 My boss came up to me at lunch and said, "Where the [REDACTED] have you been? I've been looking for you all morning!" I took another bite of my sandwich and said, "Well, what can I say? Good employees are hard to find." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 6, 2023 Report Share Posted December 6, 2023 You went home, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 7, 2023 Report Share Posted December 7, 2023 I snuck into my neighbor's house and ate all of their cookies. This secret Santa thing isn't so bad after all. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 7, 2023 Report Share Posted December 7, 2023 Did you leave the carrots? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted December 7, 2023 Report Share Posted December 7, 2023 When it comes to dessert, I am not to be trifled with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 8, 2023 Report Share Posted December 8, 2023 Texting my ex.... Me: "You aren't going to believe who's beautiful!" Her: "Who?" Me: "Reread the first two words." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starlord Posted December 8, 2023 Report Share Posted December 8, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 9, 2023 Report Share Posted December 9, 2023 How do puppies wish each other happy holidays? "Feliz Navidog!" wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 10, 2023 Report Share Posted December 10, 2023 Where in a department store can you find gifts for family members returning home for the holidays? Spoiler Aisle B, "Home for Christmas" wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 12, 2023 Report Share Posted December 12, 2023 Kirk: "I can't figure out how to stop the River from flooding the settlement down on the planet." McCoy: "Dam it, Jim." mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 12, 2023 Report Share Posted December 12, 2023 Him: "You're the apple of my eye." Her: "And you're the potato of my couch." tkdguy and mattingly 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 14, 2023 Report Share Posted December 14, 2023 Do people who drive electric cars only listen to AC/DC? Or do you suppose they prefer something more current? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 15, 2023 Report Share Posted December 15, 2023 ELO? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 15, 2023 Report Share Posted December 15, 2023 Monday is "National Slap the Biggest Jackass at Work Day". If you're not absolutely certain who that is, you should probably call in sick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted December 16, 2023 Report Share Posted December 16, 2023 Administratium That was originally published around 1990. I'm sure the number is up to 666 by now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 16, 2023 Report Share Posted December 16, 2023 What did the drummer name his triplet daughters? Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 1234. mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 16, 2023 Report Share Posted December 16, 2023 I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all my fruit. I am peachless. mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 16, 2023 Report Share Posted December 16, 2023 They stole all my fruit too! The night before my wedding. Now I cantaloupe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 16, 2023 Report Share Posted December 16, 2023 Ladies, if your man can’t appreciate a good fruit joke. You gotta let that mango. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 16, 2023 Report Share Posted December 16, 2023 And what do the two color blind men have in common? They are both on the spectrum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 16, 2023 Report Share Posted December 16, 2023 Someone stole all my lamps, you'd think I'd be upset. Actually I'm de-lighted! BoloOfEarth 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 16, 2023 Report Share Posted December 16, 2023 I was woken very early this morning to some guy trying to steal my front gate. I thought it best to leave him alone as he might take a fence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 16, 2023 Report Share Posted December 16, 2023 To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 16, 2023 Report Share Posted December 16, 2023 Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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