matrix3 Posted February 15, 2013 Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 Re: Jokes I think I'm going to start an 'alternative religious organization'. It will worship guns, and to a lesser extent, beer. I'm going to call it: Cult 45 I've been thinking of starting a church: The Church of the Universal Life Triumphant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 22, 2013 Report Share Posted February 22, 2013 Re: Jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 26, 2013 Report Share Posted June 26, 2013 (I don't know who wrote this, but it's awesome!) If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software... ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers.. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START".... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 26, 2013 Report Share Posted June 26, 2013 Re: Jokes How about a funny limerick? (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 * 4 ^ .5) / 7 + 5 * 11 == 9 ^ 2 + 0 A dozen, a gross, and a score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by 7, plus 5 times 11, is nine squared, and not a bit more. Mind. Blown. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 Why did Bilbo get annoyed when the Dwarves told him to shut up? Because he had to listen to their singing for hours, and he hadn't said anything about it. Then they got all uppity, and he was only Tolkien. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 Heisenberg and Schrodinger are taking a leisurely Sunday drive one afternoon when they get pulled over by the police. The officer asks to see Heisenberg's license and registration, then asks him, "You have any idea how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I can tell you exactly where we are." The officer is unamused by this answer. He asks them both to get our of the car, and begins searching it. After a few minutes, he calls them over and asks, "You know you've got a dead cat in the trunk of your car?" Schrodinger says, "Well, now we do." FrankL 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 And then there was the butcher who accidentally backed into a meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 3, 2013 Report Share Posted July 3, 2013 Or the time when Liberace accidentally backed into a candelabra and burned his end at both candles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted July 4, 2013 Report Share Posted July 4, 2013 Sulu wanted to go on shore leave so he asked Spock for permission. Spock said he would grant Sulu shore leave if he answered a question about Captain Kirk. Sulu agreed to the terms. Spock asked, "How many ears does Captain Kirk have?" "Two," answered Sulu. "Wrong," said Spock. "He has three: a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted July 16, 2013 Report Share Posted July 16, 2013 Three young men graduated from the seminary and were ordained Father Brown, Father Ryan, and Father Secola. They began a life of service. After ten years, they were known as Monsignor Brown, Monsignor Ryan, but still Father Secola. Father Secola was disappointed, but he held his peace. After another ten years, they were known as Bishop Brown, Bishop Ryan, but still Father Secola. Father Secola was even more disappointed, but he still said nothing. After yet another ten years, they were known as Cardinal Brown, Cardinal Ryan, but still Father Secola. Father Secola was now too upset to stay quiet, and he complained to his Archbishop. "I entered the seminary and was ordained at the same time as those two," complained Father Secola. "I've done just as good a job as they did, and yet I haven't advanced as they have. Why is that?" "Please understand," answered the Archbishop. "The next step is the Vatican, and you know that anything can happen there. And the world just isn't ready for a Pope Secola." SteveZilla, bigbywolfe and Hyper-Man 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted August 23, 2013 Report Share Posted August 23, 2013 Top 10 jokes from the Edinburgh film festival 1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." 2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. " 3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." 4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." 5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y." 6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." 7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." 8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" 9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." 10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances." Pariah and Ockham's Spoon 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted October 14, 2013 Report Share Posted October 14, 2013 A small-time crook named Artie, looking to move up in the criminal world, decided to become a hit man. Not having much experience in the field, he had a hard time breaking into the business. Finally, he agreed to do a job for just one dollar. He strangled his victim one night at the parking lot of a supermarket. Two other people witnessed the crime, so he was forced to strangle them as well. However, he was caught and arrested. The following day, the newspaper had this headline: "Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar at the A&P." Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigbywolfe Posted October 25, 2013 Report Share Posted October 25, 2013 "Knock knock""Whose there?""Interrupting Coefficient of Friction""Interrupting Coeffic...""MU!" tkdguy and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 A high school student, unhappy with a grade he had received from a teacher, confronted the teacher and asked, "Do you know who my father is?" The teacher replied, "You should probably ask your mother about that." (The teacher in this scenario is one of my coworkers.) tkdguy, lemming and Roter Baron 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted December 1, 2013 Report Share Posted December 1, 2013 What do you call it when two hobbits live together? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . cohobbitation tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted December 1, 2013 Report Share Posted December 1, 2013 What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted December 3, 2013 Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Why did Cruella De Vil become a scientist? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . For the Lab coat! Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted December 3, 2013 Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 4, 2013 Report Share Posted December 4, 2013 Yes. Yes, it is a good joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 4, 2013 Report Share Posted December 4, 2013 Q - Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? A - Fo' drizzle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted January 13, 2014 Report Share Posted January 13, 2014 What did James Cagney say to Mickey Mouse? "You dirty rat!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted February 5, 2014 Report Share Posted February 5, 2014 This story takes place in the old days, when only nobles could be officers, and they could discipline their troops however they wished. A captain realized one of his men was missing during a drill. After a quick search throughout the camp, he found the soldier sitting on a grassy field. "Why did you not attend the drill?" asked the captain. "I was hungry, so I went to get something to eat," replied the soldier. The captain drew his pistol. "Then eat some grass, or I will shoot you." The soldier bent down and ate some grass. As he stood, he grabbed the gun away from the captain and pointed it at him. "Now you eat grass, or I will shoot you." As the captain started to bend down, he said, "I will only do this on one condition. You will not tell the men we ate together." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 14, 2014 Report Share Posted February 14, 2014 It's unreal what some people find humorous. Cancer, death tribble, Lucius and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L. Marcus Posted February 14, 2014 Report Share Posted February 14, 2014 ... On Google. tkdguy and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 14, 2014 Report Share Posted February 14, 2014 Q: How many TV executives does it take to change a light bulb? A: Does it have to be a light bulb? lemming, death tribble, tkdguy and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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