Jokes

[lemming]

Re: Jokes

 

What has four legs, is green, and can kill you if it falls out of a tree on you?

 

 

 

A Pool Table

 

 

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

The Ventriloquist

 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas .

 

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

 

'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'

 

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells,

 

'You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little guy on your lap.'

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

 

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure. It 's a great house.'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'>

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No. I'm sure s he'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'

HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?'

HUSBAND: 'No. She's left-handed.'

WIFE: - silence -

HUSBAND: ' . . . crap.'

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

 

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

 

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.

 

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

 

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

 

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Why did the Zucchini and the Squash have to get married in a full-blown ceremony?

 

Because they Cantaloupe.

 

 

What do you get when you cross a dog with a rosebush?

 

A Cauliflower.

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

Disabled Vet

 

A man applies for a job at the Department of Transportation.

 

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?' He says 'Yes - just caffeine.

 

'Have you ever been in the service?' 'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

 

The interviewer says, 'That will give you five extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

 

The guy says, 'Yes 100%..an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

 

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM.

 

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

 

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?

 

'This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

[NestorDRod]

Re: Jokes

 

Heh.

 

Three kids are standing around bragging about their fathers.

 

The first one says, "My dad is so fast he can play catch all by himself."

 

The second one retorts, "Well, my dad is so fast he can shoot an arrow and get to the target before it does."

 

The third one leans back and says, "My dad can beat that. He works for the government. He can leave work at 5 and get home by 3:30."

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Apple announced today that is has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

 

The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

 

This is considered a major social breakthrough.

 

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[proditor]

Re: Jokes

 

Occasionally you have to work blue.

 

 

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says

 

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A school teacher asked her students to make up a rhyming story.

 

Little Billy got up and said, "Mary had a little hen, she kept it in a bucket, every time she let it out the rooster used to chase it."

 

The teacher, feeling a little flushed said, "That's could Billy, but it does not rhyme."

 

 

 

"No," said Billy, "the rooster hasn't caught it yet."

 

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

A school teacher asked her students to make up a rhyming story.

 

Little Billy got up and said, "Mary had a little hen, she kept it in a bucket, every time she let it out the rooster used to chase it."

 

The teacher, feeling a little flushed said, "That's could Billy, but it does not rhyme."

 

 

 

"No," said Billy, "the rooster hasn't caught it yet."

 

Reminds me of this little poem:

 

Mary had a little lamb,

She tied it to a pylon.

Ten thousand volts ran through its fleece

And turned the wool to nylon.

[proditor]

Re: Jokes

 

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

 

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

 

"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of- the-art watch and I was just testing it."

 

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

 

Bond explains, " It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

 

The lady says, what's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

 

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

 

Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

[input.jack]

Re: Jokes

 

Mary had a little sheep

And with it, Mary went to sleep

But the sheep was quite a ram,

And Mary had a little lamb...

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

You've obviously been spending too much time with Mightybec....

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

(I borrowed this joke from wanderer68.)

 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

 

"Well," said the Director, "We have a very simple test. We fill up a bathtub, then we offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bathtub."

 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket, because it's bigger than the teaspoon or the teacup."

 

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug and just let the tub drain. Would you like a bed near the window?"

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking spot.
*


 

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.* If you find me a parking spot I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life, and give up me Irish Whiskey!"


 

Miraculouly, a parking spot appeared.
*


 

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

All of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo at the Sydney airport - he doesn't travel light.

 

The driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

 

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

 

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

 

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" Protests the driver.

 

After another moment the driver reluctantly got in the back as the Pope climbs behind the wheel.

 

The driver quickly regrets this decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 150 km/hr on the M2.

 

"Please slow down You Holiness!" Pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

 

"Oh no, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

 

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

 

"I need to talk to the Police Commissioner," he says to the dispatcher.

 

The Police Commissioner hets on the radio and cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 150."

 

"So bust him," says the Commissioner.

 

"I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," said the cop.

 

"All the more reason!" Exclaimed the Commissioner.

 

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

 

"Who have you got there," the Commissioner asked, "the Premier?"

 

"Bigger," says the cop.

 

"The Prime Minister?" Asks the Commissioner.

 

"Bigger."

 

"Well," says the Commmissioner, "Who is it?"

 

"I think it's God!"

 

"What makes you think it's God?" Asks the Commissioner.

 

"He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"

[AliceTheOwl]

Re: Jokes

 

Reminds me of this little poem:

 

Mary had a little lamb,

She tied it to a pylon.

Ten thousand volts ran through its fleece

And turned the wool to nylon.

Mary had a little lamb

with mint jelly.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

The Martial Chef:

 

"Karateee Chop!"

"Judooo Chop!"

"Laaamb Chop!"

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Mary had a little lamb

with mint jelly.

 

Dot's Poetry Corner, perhaps?

 

Here's one of my favorites:

 

Little Miss Muffet

Sat on her tuffet

And what a big tuffet she had!

So if you're insecure,

Just go stand next to her

And then you won't feel quite so bad.

 

Thank you.

[AliceTheOwl]

Re: Jokes

 

Dot's Poetry Corner' date=' perhaps?[/quote']

Yep.

 

I miss Animaniacs. The boxed sets can only do so much.

[proditor]

Re: Jokes

 

A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books. Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much!" The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

 

Mick says to Paddy, "I can't be bothered to walk all that way."

 

"I know," says Paddy, "but we've no money for a cab, and we've missed the last bus home."

 

"We could steal a bus from the depot," Mick suggests.

 

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.

 

After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, "Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?"

 

Paddy shouts back, "I can't find a No. 91."

 

"Oh hell, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!"

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

1) Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician.

 

2) Hear about the constipated accountant?

 

Couldn't budget, but he worked it out with a pencil.

[nexus]

Re: Jokes

 

My girlfriend asked me," Have you been having sex behind my back?"

 

Startled, I replied,"Well, who the Hell did you think was back there?"