Jokes

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

How much does a Chinese restaurant weigh?

One tonne.

I love Chinese food. I could eat Chinese food all day. I could eat Chinese food all day and dim sum.

 

The chicken I had at the Chinese restaurant last week was kind of hard to eat. I told the waiter, "This chicken is rubbery." He said...

 

"Thank you velly much."

 

[mwiggins]

Re: Jokes

 

This is a true story. I was there when it happened. I've submitted it to readers digest.

 

Back when I was a truck driver I stopped at a truck stop in North Carolina for breakfast.

The man next to me at the counter called the waitress over and said “I ordered ham, cheese and green onions on my omelet, and the cook put green peppers.”

The waitress takes it back to the cook and explains the problem

The cook responds “But we’re out of green onions.”

“Why didn’t you put regular onions?” Asked the waitress

“But their not green!”

The cook remakes the mans order

The customer peeks inside of his new omelet, sighed, looked at me and said “He forgot the ham.”

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Steve's business meeting ended a little early, so he decided to take in a quick nine holes of golf before going home. When he got to the course, he was told that he could not play unless there was at least a twosome. Looking around, he saw an old man sitting on a nearby bench. "I'll play a round with you, sonny," he said. Having no other option, Steve signed himself and the old man up for the next tee time.

 

The game turned out to be a lot of fun. The old man was a pretty good golfer, with a good sense of humor and a hundred stories of how good he had been "in the old days". Before he knew it, Steve was setting up his tee shot on the ninth hole.

 

He drove the ball solidly into the rough, and it landed right behind a huge oak tree. As he surveyed the situation, trying to see the best way to get around the big oak, the old man spoke up.

 

"When I was your age, I would've taken out my 5-iron and knocked the ball right over the top of that tree and onto the green."

 

Steve, feeling challenged by the old man's claim, strode over to the cart and took the 5-iron out of his bag. He lined up his shot, swung the club and

 

>> SMACK! <<

 

hit the ball right into the trunk of the tree. The ball bounced back and rolled to a halt less than a foot from where Steve had found it.

 

The old man smiled. "Of course, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall...."

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Why is Fay a good name for this tropical storm running across Florida right now?

 

 

Because Fay Dunaway with the drought!

 

[jtelson]

Re: Jokes

 

I love Chinese food. I could eat Chinese food all day. I could eat Chinese food all day and dim sum.

 

The chicken I had at the Chinese restaurant last week was kind of hard to eat. I told the waiter, "This chicken is rubbery." He said...

 

"Thank you velly much."

 

I used to eat at a Chinese German place the only problem was ...

 

...an hour later I was hungry for power.

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

After the station owner suddenyl died, his wife takes over with the help of a man who answers a newspaper advertisement.

 

Though a little odd, he proves to be a hard worker, and even helps clean the house in the evening before retiring to the spare room.

 

For two months, the two of them work hard and the station goes so well that one day the widow says, "You have done a really good job, Oscar, and the station looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

 

Oscar readily agrees and slips into town on Saturday night.

 

When he quietly lets himself back into the house at 2:30am he is amazed to find the widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine.

 

"Oscar," she says, "unbutton my blouse and take it off."

 

Trembling, he does as she directs.

 

"Now take off my boots."

 

He does as she askes, ever so slowly.

 

"Now take off my skirt."

 

He slowly unbuttons it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

 

"Now take off my bra."

 

Again, with trembling hands, he does as he is told.

 

 

 

Then she looks at him and says: "Oscar, if you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

 

["V"]

Re: Jokes

 

My girlfriend and I were sitting in a Chinese restaurant having finished our starters, when the kitchen door opened and a three foot tall duck wearing a tuxedo emerged. It waddled across the room, hopped up on our table and then dropped a rose in front of my girlfriend. In a Donald Duck style voice it said to her "Your eyes are like the blue of summer skies, and your hair is the colour of my fondest dreams."

 

I waved the nearest waiter over and said "No, I'm sorry.

 

 

..we ordered AROMATIC duck."

 

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

At that same restaurant, I tried to order some chicken. But, sue to food allergies, I need to know how my restaurant dishes are cooked. So I asked the waiter how they prepared their chickens. And he told me...

 

"We just tell them they're going to die."

 

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

A scorpion and a turtle stood at the edge of a river. As the turtle prepared to swim across, the scorpion asked, "Will you give me a ride across?"

 

"Absolutely not," the turtle responded. "You are a scorpion, and you will sting me before we get to the other side."

 

"No I won't," the scorpion answered. "That wouldn't make any sense, because if I sting you while we cross, we'll both drown. I want to get to the other side as much as you do. I don't want to die. So let's work together, what do you say?"

 

It took a while, but the scorpion finally convinced the turtle to let him ride on his back as he swam across the river. As they drew close to the opposite shore, the scorpion raised his tail and stung the turtle.

 

"What did you do that for?" the turtle cried. "Now we're both dead!"

 

The scorpion just shrugged his shoulders as they sank into the cold, dark water and said, "Welcome to the Middle East."

 

 

 

(Inspired, if that's the right word, by the Political: Whose Side Are You On, Anyway? thread.)

[Captain Obvious]

Re: Jokes

 

A scorpion and a turtle stood at the edge of a river. As the turtle prepared to swim across, the scorpion asked, "Will you give me a ride across?"

 

"Absolutely not," the turtle responded. "You are a scorpion, and you will sting me before we get to the other side."

 

"No I won't," the scorpion answered. "That wouldn't make any sense, because if I sting you while we cross, we'll both drown. I want to get to the other side as much as you do. I don't want to die. So let's work together, what do you say?"

 

It took a while, but the scorpion finally convinced the turtle to let him ride on his back as he swam across the river. As they drew close to the opposite shore, the scorpion raised his tail and stung the turtle.

 

"What did you do that for?" the turtle cried. "Now we're both dead!"

 

The scorpion just shrugged his shoulders as they sank into the cold, dark water and said, "Welcome to the Middle East."

 

 

 

(Inspired, if that's the right word, by the Political: Whose Side Are You On, Anyway? thread.)

 

Wow...that's not funny, cuz it's true.

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

So I try out this new restaurant during lunch break, and I can't decide what to order. The waiter is waiting patiently. Since there was someone else nearby who was ordering food, I decided I'd get what he got.

 

He said, "I'll have a cheeseburger."

 

So I said, "I'll have a cheeseburger."

 

He said, "I also want a diet Coke."

 

So I said, "I also want a diet Coke."

 

Then he took out a pack of cigarettes and said, "Get me an ashtray, please."

 

So I took out a pack of cigarettes and said, "Get me an ashtray, please."

 

Then he yelled out to me, "Hey! Why are you repeating everything I say? Make up your own mind!"

 

So I said,

 

 

What? Are you the only one here who eats ashtrays?

 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Open Mic Night at the Acroplis...

 

But seriously, folks...Did you hear about the British empiricist who told his wife she was nothing but a collection of sense data?

 

"Oh yeah?" she said. "How do you think it feels going to bed every night with a man who's got no ding an sich?"

 

I'm not kidding, I was married for ten years before I realized that my wife was all existence and no essence. I mean her esse really was percipi.

 

What'sa matter, folks? It's so quiet in here, you could hear a tree fall in the forest...even if you weren't there! Schopenhauer said there would be nights like this.

 

Kids today, huh? The other day my son asked me for the keys to the car, and I said, "Son, in the best of all possible worlds you'd have your own car."

 

And he said, "But, Pop, this isn't the best of all possible worlds."

 

And I said, "So go live with your mother!"

 

By the way, a funny thing happened on my way over here tonight: I stepped in the same river...twice!

 

Hey, the other day Plato and a platypus walk into a bar. Te bartender gave the philosopher a quizzical look, and Plato said, "What can I say? She looked better in the cave."

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Great Moments in the History of Philosophy

 

530 BC: On the eighty third day under the bodhi-tree, Gautama smiles inscrutably at a knock-knock joke.

 

381 BC: Plato sees shadows on the wall of a cave and interprets them to mean six more weeks of winter.

 

1328: William Occam invents the Gillette Mach 3

 

1504: A prankster puts a "Random Acts of Kindness" bumper sticker on Nick Machiavelli's carriage.

 

1650: Rene Descartes stops thinking for a second and dies.

 

1844: Tired of always being called "The Melancholy Dane," Kierkegaard attempts to change his citizenship.

 

1954: Jean-Paul Sartre abandons his philosophical career to become a waiter.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

Moses descends from Mount Sinai with a stone tablet under each arm. ‘‘The good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still on it.”

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

A bricklayer was hired to build a wall and wass given 100 bricks. He wass supposed to use all of them. He sketched out a design, but it only needed 99 bricks. He sketched another design, and again, it only needed 99 bricks. Try as he might, all the designs only required 99 bricks. He sat down and thought about it. Eventually, he made a decision. He went back to his original design and used 99 bricks. What did he do with the last brick?

 

 

He threw it away.

 

 

There were two passengers on a plane: a woman with a poodle, and a man smoking a cigar. The woman didn't like the smell of the cigar, so she asked the man to throw it overboard. The man replied he'd throw the cigar overboard if the woman threw her poodle overboard too.

 

"I won't do that," protested the woman. "I love my poodle!"

 

"And I love my cigar," said the man, and he kept on smoking.

 

Eventually, the smell drove the woman crazy, and she agreed to the man's terms. The cigar and the poodle were thrown out of the plane. The plane landed. The poodle, who miracuously survived, ran towards the woman. Guess what it was carrying in its mouth?

 

 

You think it was the man's cigar? Nope! It was carryig the brick that was thrown away in my last joke!

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A patron in an old cinema came up to the manager and complained about a gentleman in the back of the stalls making noise and complaining that he was disturbing the movie.

 

The manager went to investigate and found a gentleman lying across several seats and groaning loudly.

 

The manager said "Sir, I will have to ask you to be quiet because you are disturbing the movie for other cinema goers."

 

The man simply lay there and looked rather glassy eyed at the manager and continued to groan loudly.

 

The manager said "I am sorry sir, you must be quiet, otherwise I will have to ask you to leave."

 

The man continued to just look glassy eyed at the manager and groan loudly.

 

The manager finally said "Very well sir I have given you fair warning, now I have to ask you to leave. Now where did you come from?"

 

The reclining gentleman lifted one arm limply and pointed upwards.

 

Finally he spoke.

 

"The balcony."

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

*Amazingly Simple Home Remedies*

 

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

3. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

5. You should only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

6. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

What did one kiwi statue say to another kiwi statue?

 

"Stat-you bro?"

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

two people walked in to a service station and stole a calendar. They got 6 months each.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Just when I got my head together my body fell apart.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

What did one casket say to another?

 

Is that you coffin?

[proditor]

Re: Jokes

 

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

 

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100...then the reality of the situation hit him.

 

"What am I doing?", he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go".

 

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!".

 

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[Acme]

Re: Jokes

 

A man decides to go ice fishing. He gathers his gear, finds a nice clear patch of ice, picks up his auger and is about to drill in when he hears:

 

THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE!!

 

He looks around, but doesn't see anybody. Nevertheless, he moves all of his gear to another spot on the ice, sets up, and is about to drill again when he hears the same voice:

 

THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE, EITHER!!

 

Confused and a little alarmed, he looks around again. Still nobody. He moves to yet another spot on the ice and has barely even set down his gear when he hears:

 

THERE'S NO FISH THERE, EITHER!!

 

Finally, he's had enough. The man yells out, "Who are you?"

 

 

I'M THE RINK MANAGER!!

 

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

[Hermit]

Re: Jokes