Bazza Posted May 19, 2008 Report Share Posted May 19, 2008 Re: Jokes In 1986 an Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through t bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Junior were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NestorDRod Posted May 19, 2008 Report Share Posted May 19, 2008 Re: Jokes In 1986 an Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. Don't know about anyone else, but this one failed the humor test with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 19, 2008 Report Share Posted May 19, 2008 Re: Jokes Q: Why was six afraid of seven? A: Because seven ate nine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 19, 2008 Report Share Posted May 19, 2008 Re: Jokes Don't know about anyone else' date=' but this one failed the humor test with me. [/quote'] Punchline worked for me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nexus Posted May 19, 2008 Report Share Posted May 19, 2008 Re: Jokes Punchline worked for me Great shaggy dog story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 20, 2008 Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 4 Log-man A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm. "Do you have any fish cakes? he asks. "Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner. "Great," replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, "It's his birthday." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted May 20, 2008 Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Re: Jokes Not really a Joke, but what the hey. As we know it: The World: Endurance Reserve: 10000000000000000 END, 1 REC - Side Effects("I Feel Fine"; -0) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lemming Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 Re: Jokes Not really a Joke, but what the hey. As we know it: The World: Endurance Reserve: 10000000000000000 END, 1 REC - Side Effects("I Feel Fine"; -0) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 Re: Jokes An English Literature professor noticed one of his students sleeping during the lecture and threw a copy of The Canterbury Tales at him. "What was that?" said the student. "Oh, nothing," replied the professor. "Just a flying Chaucer." *** Old Testament Joke: Q: What was Boaz like without his wife's calming influence? A: Ruthless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Re: Jokes Two more Old Testament jokes: Q: Who was the most financially-minded woman in the Old Testament? A: Pharaoh's daughter. She made it through the rushes on the banks and drew out a little prophet. Q: Who was the most financially-minded man in the Old Testament? A: Noah. He kept his stock afloat while the rest of the world was in liquidation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Obvious Posted May 31, 2008 Report Share Posted May 31, 2008 Re: Jokes DOG DIARY 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tal! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! CAT DIARY Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet a he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow—but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released—and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted May 31, 2008 Report Share Posted May 31, 2008 Re: Jokes From the Tri-Lams of Adams College: Dont cha wish your boyfriend was smart like me Dont cha wish your boyfriend was a geek like me Dont cha, dont cha, baby Dont cha wish your boyfriend was l33t like me Dont cha wish your boyfriend was fun like me Dont cha, dont cha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted June 1, 2008 Report Share Posted June 1, 2008 Re: Jokes http://www.JumboJoke.com/wants_to_know_1631.html This is an actual inquiry sent to the Montrose (Colorado) Enterprise newspaper -- and published there on June 5, 1906: Wants to Know Kind and respected sir: I see in the paper that a man named John Sipes was attacked and ate up by a bear whose cubs he was trying to get ... in the mountains near your town. What I want to know is did it kill him or was he only partly ate up. I think he is a distant husband of mine. My first husband was of that name but I thought he was killed in the war. I have been married twice since. If it is him, you will know by his six toes on the left foot. He also has a spread eagle tattooed on his front chest and an anchor on his right arm. If alive don't tell him I'm married to Joe White because he never liked Joe. Maybe you'd better act as if I'm dead, but find out all you can about him and please answer back. P.S. Was the bear killed? Also was he married again and did he leave any property with me laying claims to? (As collected by The Fore-Kin Trails Genealogical Society, Montrose, Colorado) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted June 1, 2008 Report Share Posted June 1, 2008 Re: Jokes Bill and Hillary Clinton, when they first reached the White House, set a new standard of the politically active spouse. It was almost like they were "co-presidents". So much so that the two of them were known by one name: "Billary". Now that Hillary is running to get back into the Oval Office, the roles would be reversed. In the unlikely event that she makes it, and Hillary would have "top billing", their presidential name would have to be reversed too. Yep: they'd be Hillbilly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 1, 2008 Report Share Posted June 1, 2008 Re: Jokes Bill and Hillary Clinton, when they first reached the White House, set a new standard of the politically active spouse. It was almost like they were "co-presidents". So much so that the two of them were known by one name: "Billary". Now that Hillary is running to get back into the Oval Office, the roles would be reversed. In the unlikely event that she makes it, and Hillary would have "top billing", their presidential name would have to be reversed too. Yep: they'd be Hillbilly. Sir, as a hillbilly, I'm offended. Me and you's a feudin'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted June 1, 2008 Report Share Posted June 1, 2008 Re: Jokes Ah C'mon Jed. It ain't like I kissed your sister or nuthing. She's still all pure fer yer twos weddin' night. :sneaky: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted June 1, 2008 Report Share Posted June 1, 2008 Re: Jokes I should start a website for unattached Wiccans. I'd call it Craft Singles Lucius Alexander The palindromedary thinks that's a cheesy joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 1, 2008 Report Share Posted June 1, 2008 Re: Jokes There are three dolls in a man's life. His daughter is his 'Baby Doll'. His girlfriend is his 'Barbie Doll. His wife is his 'Panadol'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted June 1, 2008 Report Share Posted June 1, 2008 Re: Jokes I'm thinking of starting a restaurant that specializes in whole grains and cheese. I'll call it Maizes & Munsters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 1, 2008 Report Share Posted June 1, 2008 Re: Jokes These cheese puns are grate! I'll try to wedge something in later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted June 1, 2008 Report Share Posted June 1, 2008 Re: Jokes Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give edam. I know; that one was no gouda. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyper-Man Posted June 1, 2008 Report Share Posted June 1, 2008 Re: Jokes Now cut that out! the cheese I mean... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted June 1, 2008 Report Share Posted June 1, 2008 Re: Jokes What did Pepper Jack ever do to deserve that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 2, 2008 Report Share Posted June 2, 2008 Re: Jokes No whey I'm getting involved in this one.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 2, 2008 Report Share Posted June 2, 2008 Re: Jokes No need to curd your enthusiasm here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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