Enforcer84 Posted September 21, 2008 Report Share Posted September 21, 2008 Re: Jokes Nice Bull. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Mackinder Posted September 21, 2008 Report Share Posted September 21, 2008 Re: Jokes Small town in Texas, with four places of worship - a Baptist church, a Pentecostal church, a Catholic church and a synagogue. It is perhaps a mark of Ghod's sense of humour that he chooses to afflict each of these places with a plague of squirrels. Thousands of the little varmints scampering around the rafters and under the floorboards, chewing on anything interesting that they can find, and disrupting proceedings with their incessant chattering. Unsurprisngly, each faith chooses a different way to cope with the problem. The Baptists have several meetings, and eventually decide that the squirrels are, after all, God's creatures and therefore killing them is not nice. Instead, the deacons opt for "catch and release' - capturing the little buggers and releasing them into the wild several miles outside of town. All of their squirrels are back in about a fortnight. The Pentecostals opt for a more traditional approach - using the power of prayer. A series of vigils and special prayer meetings are held where the participants pray for the squirrels to leave. Instead, their sqiuirrel population doubles. The Catholics take a more creative approach. They baptize their squirrels and make all of them members of the church. Now, they only see their squirrels at Easter and Christmas. The Jews are very very quiet about how their squirrel problem is dealt with, but the truth comes out, eventually. They caught just one squirrel, then had a special service at which that squirrel was circumcised before he was let go. They haven't seen a squirrel since ...... * * Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted September 21, 2008 Report Share Posted September 21, 2008 Re: Jokes what do you call a whale with no underpants on? Free Willy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 Re: Jokes Riddle: What's the difference between an old movie w/ sound made from a Lewis Carroll book, and a two-way radio that converts intelligible speech into gibberish? The first is a Jabberwocky Talkie, the second is a Jabber Walkie-Talkie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 Re: Jokes Where's that groan smiley...? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted September 29, 2008 Report Share Posted September 29, 2008 Re: Jokes I got this one in my e-mail the other day. A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the United States Government," says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep . . . "Now give me back my dog." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted September 29, 2008 Report Share Posted September 29, 2008 Re: Jokes Reminds me pretty much of the current financial "crisis" here. Government caused it, and now government is trying to "ride to our rescue". EDIT: Oh, wait, this is the Jokes thread. I know! The joke is... The U.S. Government. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted September 29, 2008 Report Share Posted September 29, 2008 Re: Jokes If "pro" is the opposite of "con", what is the opposite of "progress"? Congress If the entire Republican party and the entire Democratic party were in a boat in the exact center of the Mississippi River, and the boat started to sink, who would be saved? The United States Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted September 30, 2008 Report Share Posted September 30, 2008 Re: Jokes If "pro" is the opposite of "con", what is the opposite of "progress"? Congress If the entire Republican party and the entire Democratic party were in a boat in the exact center of the Mississippi River, and the boat started to sink, who would be saved? The United States Somebody hit this man with the Rep stick for me. I've apparently done it too recently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted September 30, 2008 Report Share Posted September 30, 2008 Re: Jokes Somebody hit this man with the Rep stick for me. I've apparently done it too recently. done Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted September 30, 2008 Report Share Posted September 30, 2008 Re: Jokes A woman was having trouble getting to sleep because her dog wouldn't stop snoring. She took the dog to the vet to get checked out. The doctor told her the issue would be solved if she tied a red ribbon around the dogs private area. She wasn't sure whether to believe him, but she went home and tried it out. Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring, and the woman got to sleep easily. She only woke up when her husband came home from the pub with mates and staggered into bed. He snored so loudly the bed almost moved. The woman looked at the dog and wondered whether the same treatment might work on her husband. All she could find was a blue riddon, so that's what she used. Sure enough, it worked, and the woman went back to sleep. When her husband got up in the morning to go to the bathroom she was still asleep. He almost tripped over the dog on the way to the door, when he noticed the blue ribbon. He looked at the dog and noticed it to had a ribbon. He said, "I don't know what we did last night, but apparently I came first and you came second." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted September 30, 2008 Report Share Posted September 30, 2008 Re: Jokes Reminds me of the old "Scotsman" novelty song. Nice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 7, 2008 Report Share Posted October 7, 2008 Re: Jokes Why did the jellybean go to school? Because he wanted to be a smartie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh bunneh Posted October 7, 2008 Report Share Posted October 7, 2008 Re: Jokes Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austenandrews Posted October 7, 2008 Report Share Posted October 7, 2008 Re: Jokes Did you hear Paris Hilton's dog got diarrhea? It was all over the papers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted October 7, 2008 Report Share Posted October 7, 2008 Re: Jokes Are you guys trying to drive me away from this thread? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austenandrews Posted October 7, 2008 Report Share Posted October 7, 2008 Re: Jokes No, that's just a pleasant side-effect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 8, 2008 Report Share Posted October 8, 2008 Re: Jokes Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 8, 2008 Report Share Posted October 8, 2008 Re: Jokes Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. Somebody hit this man with the bo staff of Rep for me, please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted October 8, 2008 Report Share Posted October 8, 2008 Re: Jokes Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK' date=' uncertainty has now hit Japan.[/quote'] I took my paycheck to the bank. It's too small to go by itself. I asked the teller to check my balance. So she pushed me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
input.jack Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 Re: Jokes The local university has a vacancy for the position of Dean. The President of the University considers all the potential candidates, and decides that three people are the most likely for the job: a mathmetician, a theologian, and a lawyer. He calls the mathmetician into his office and asks him to sit down. "Ill keep this brief." he says. "Id just like for you to answer one question for me. What is one plus one?" The mathmetician smirks and offhandedly replies "The real, whole value of one, added to an identical real, whole value of one, yeilds the whole value of positive two." "Thank you. That will be all." the President of the university tells him. He then calls in the next applicant; the theologian. "What is one plus one?" he asks. "Well," the theologian begins, " that depends upon a lot of your basic assumptions. In some philosophical models, the world is all an illusion, and therefore there is no -real- value when you add the one and one together; they attain whatever value you believe they have to you. On the other hand, if we were to assume that, hypothetically speaking, the values of one were actually as they appear, then the total would be two, in that case." "Thank you for your time". the President says. Calling in the attorney, he poses the question again. "What is one plus one?" The attorney looks thoughtful for a moment, straightens his cufflinks, then gets up and closes the office door. He then draws all the blinds, and takes the phone off the hook. Then, leaning in close, he says... "How much do you WANT it to be?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Mackinder Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 Re: Jokes Stalin (yes, THAT Stalin!) arranges for his grandmother to visit him. She is conveyed in a luxury railway carriage from her remote Georgian village to Moscow, Upon arrival, she is settled in opulent quarters within the Kremlin, and Stalin delights in showing her just how well he has done. Big parades, his picture on every wall, huge state receptions singing his (and her) praises, a fleet of limousines, a gigantic fireworks display, everything one could imagine, and then some. However, the old lady does not seem to particularly enjoy any of this. She says nothing and, if anything, looks increasingly worried as time goes by. Undaunted, Stalin has the two of them conveyed in his personal aircraft to his dacha (holiday house to you non-Russians) on the Black Sea. When they settle there, ships of the Soviet Navy put on a display just offshore, and there are further hordes of 'happy' workers to sing the praises of the Great Leader, and wait on the two of them hand and foot. Stalin says to her, "Look at all this. Don't you think I have done well?" She nods but, by now, is looking VERY worried. Stalin sees this and asks, "What worries you, grandmother?" The old lady carefully looks around, then leans forward and whispers to him, "What happens if the Communists come back?" * * Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 Re: Jokes What's the difference between a New York stockbroker and a pigeon? At least the pigeon can still leave a deposit on a BMW. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 Re: Jokes The old lady carefully looks around' date=' then leans forward and whispers to him, "What happens if the Communists come back?"[/quote'] The first line of your sig fits perfectly in as a reply to that question. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 Re: Jokes In the spirit (so to speak) of the Halloween season: Q: What do you call a ghost that haunts a hen house? A: Poultrygeist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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