Jokes

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: Why did the blonde wash her hair in the sink?

 

 

A: That's where she washes all the vegetables.

 

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: Why are there so many blonde jokes?

 

 

A: Brunettes have to have something to do on Friday nights....

 

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

 

 

A: Three. The rest are true stories.

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

password joke:

 

 

Team Leader: What password did you use?

Barry: anicesimpleonenospaces

 

I made this up myself.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Little Johnny approached the coach of the football team and asked "Coach, I join the football team."

 

The coach said, "Can you pass a football?"

 

Little Johnny replied "I don't know, I've never eaten one."

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Sorry, Bazza, but a joke like that is hard to stomach.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Especially if the kid is a tight end.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Sorry' date=' Bazza, but a joke like that is hard to stomach.[/quote']

 

har har.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: Why did the veterinarian prescribe Viagra for a sick crocodile?

 

 

A: Because it had a reptile dysfunction.

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

 

It was her turn, and she rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature.

 

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

 

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[Cybertooth]

Re: Jokes

 

I hope this doesn't offend anyone and if it does, it is not my intention. Please accept my sincerest apologies in advance.

 

Answering Service At Mental Institution:

 

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

 

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

 

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

 

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

 

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

 

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

 

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

 

If you are dyslexic, press 69696969696969.

 

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

 

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

 

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

 

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

 

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

[Karmakaze]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: Why are there so many blonde jokes?

 

 

A: Brunettes have to have something to do on Friday nights....

 

The mating call of the blonde: "I'm sooooo drunk!"

The mating call of the brunette: "I *said* 'I'm soo drunk!"

The mating call of the redhead: "Next!"

 

Sadly, I am no longer blonde enough to pull off the punchline to "Why do blonds wear shoulderpads?" (at which point the blond tosses her head from side to side "I don't knooooow...")

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

The mating call of the blonde: "I'm sooooo drunk!"

The mating call of the brunette: "I *said* 'I'm soo drunk!"

The mating call of the redhead: "Next!"

 

Sadly, I am no longer blonde enough to pull off the punchline to "Why do blonds wear shoulderpads?" (at which point the blond tosses her head from side to side "I don't knooooow...")

 

How do you get a Blonde to kill herself?

 

Put spikes on her shoulderpads and ask her a question.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

A blind man walked into a bar one night. One of the patrons at the bar saw him and helped him get to a barstool and get a drink. After a few minutes, the blind man leaned over to his new friend and said, "I just heard the world's best blonde joke. Would you like to hear it?"

 

The other man said, "Friend, before you say another word, there's something you need to know."

 

"What's that?" the blind man asked.

 

"There are five people besides you in this bar. The bartender is blonde. The boucer is blonde. There are two women sitting at the end of the bar. One is an off-duty police officer, and the other is a Marine Corps gunnery sergeant, and they're both blond. I'm six-foot-four, two hundred and sixty pounds, and I've got a third degree black belt in karate, and I'm blonde.

 

"So," the man concluded, "Are you sure you really want to tell that joke?"

 

The blind man thought about it for a minute and said, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

[Mister Trent]

Re: Jokes

 

So, two guys run into each other in the afterworld and strike up a conversation about the circumstances of their deaths. The first one, Bob, said simply, "I froze to death. It sucked."

 

The second, Greg, nodded sympathically then recounted his tale:

 

"I was a rich man, and an insanely jealous husband. I was always paranoid that my wife was cheating on me. One day, I came home from the office and found another man's clothes thrown over the couch in the den. I tore through the entire house top-to-bottom looking for the bastard, screamed at my wife, and eventually collapsed from a sudden, fatal heart attack in the kitchen."

 

Bob shook his head. "that is a shame, really. Hell, if you had only looked in the walk-in freezer, one of us might still be alive."

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde

 

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin

 

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

 

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,

you'd better have a good hand." Pat Martin

 

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield

 

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual

arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."

Lynn Lavner

 

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia

 

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are

unimportant." George Burns

 

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone

 

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson

 

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's

genitals through his wallet." Richard Cranium

 

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Harry Butts

 

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

 

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

 

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld

 

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

 

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up

whom." Joan Rivers

[Lord Mhoram]

Re: Jokes

 

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

 

I don't get it....

 

 

 

 

 

[Zeropoint]

Re: Jokes

 

I can't get the video to play.

[Old Man]

Re: Jokes

 

Sigh.

[NestorDRod]

Re: Jokes

 

Men are like parking spaces.

 

The best ones are either taken or handicapped.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Capitalism: American Style

* You have two cows.

* You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

 

Bureaucracy: American Style

* You have two cows.

* Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

 

American Corporation

* You have two cows.

* You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

* You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

* Your stock goes up.

 

Socialism

* You have two cows.

* The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

* You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

 

Communism

* You have two cows.

* The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

* You wait in line for hours to get it.

* It is expensive and sour.

 

French Corporation

* You have two cows.

* You go on strike because you want three cows.

* You go to lunch and drink wine.

* Life is good.

 

Japanese Corporation

* You have two cows.

* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

* They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

 

German Corporation

* You have two cows.

* You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

* Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

 

Italian Corporation

* You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

* While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

* You break for lunch.

* Life is good.

 

Russian Corporation

* You have two cows.

* You have some vodka.

* You count them and learn you have five cows.

* You have some more vodka.

* You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

* The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

 

SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You

charge the owners for storing them.

 

CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity,

and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

 

BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

 

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them

that you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you

and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are

part of a Democracy...

 

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

A few more....

 

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.

 

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

 

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

 

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. Far out! Awesome!

 

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

JAPANESE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to.

 

EUROPEAN FEDERALISM: You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.

 

EASTERN EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You sell the milk (diluted with some water) at a high price to the neighbors or to anyone at the open-air market. If somebody asks for receipt, you charge for a two times higher price, so nobody will request an invoice. For concerned families with small babies you claim that the milk is "bio", though you collect the grass for feeding at the side of the highway and you keep the milk in plastic barrels used previously as containers of dangerous chemicals. Later, your neighbor or anybody from town will steal the cows and will buy their meat for a high price, and if you ask for a receipt, you will be charged for a two times higher price.

 

NORDIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. Soon you have to kill one of them because in the Netherlands there is an overproduction of milk and the European Union rules say so. When you do so, you realize that it was not necessary, only the system was too slow in getting you the up-to-date news. From the stress, you get an ulcer in your stomach so you go to a doctor. The doctor realizes that this ulcer is a serious one, so you need an urgent treatment. Therefore, you soon get a call to the local hospital. The call's date is for 3 months later, because there is a queue with more urgent cases. Then your ulcer becomes even more serious because you remember that 40 percent of your income is taken for social tax.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

How much does a Chinese restaurant weigh?

 

One tonne.

[Cancer]

Re: Jokes

 

It's funny ... people talk about making heads explode, but no one sticks heads in microwave ovens to see it really happen.