Jokes

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Mick from Dublin appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire.

 

He was getting towards the end of the show, and had already won half a million dollars.

 

The presenter tells him that he only has one question left in order to win $1 million, and everything is on the line.

 

The presenter asks, "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? A: Sparrow B: Thrush C: Magpie D: Cuckoo."

 

"I haven't got a clue," says Mick, "So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin."

 

Mick calls his mate and explains the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

 

"Dat's simple Mick!" Says Paddy, "It's a cuckoo."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

Paddy says he's sure, so Mick goes with the cuckoo.

 

"Is that your final answer?" the presenter asks.

 

"Dat it is, sir."

 

There is a very long pause before the presenter finally screams "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million!"

 

The next night Mick is buying Paddy a drink, and he can't help but ask, "Tell me Paddy, how in heaven's name did you know is was da cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

 

"Because he lives in a clock!"

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

A guy walks into a psychologist's office.

 

He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've got a real problem."

 

"What is it?" The Doctor asks.

 

"I keep thinking I'm a labrador."

 

"Wow, that is a problem," replies the Doctor. "Jump up on the couch and tell me all about it."

 

He thinks he's a region of Canada?

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

If shared problems lessen the burden, how come we get so upset in a traffic jam?

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Perhaps because it's not truly a shared problem (i.e., a single problem that a group can work together on solving), but a single problem that affects each driver?

[nexus]

Re: Jokes

 

It wasn't the dance fighting and people inexplicably breaking into song that bothered me about West Side Story. It was that a guy ran through Spanish Harlem shouting "Maria!" and only one girl answered.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

 

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

 

"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

 

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

 

The Irishman explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

 

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

 

"well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

 

The woman giggles and replied, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

 

The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drinnk?"

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

We at PeTP (People for Ethical Treatment of Pumpkins) wish to express our outrage at the inhumane and cruel treatment of our little orange friends at the hand of unethical and barbaric pumpkin hunters!

 

Once again, with pumpkin season upon us, thousands of so called "humans" will take to the fields in a cruel and evil frenzy to capture and kill one of God's most harmless and beautiful creatures, the pumpkin.

 

Why must we allow this carnage to continue? Men no longer need to hunt the pumpkin to place food on their tables and feed their families. Must we allow the killing of millions of helpless pumpkins just to fill some caveman need for "sport"?

 

Oh yes, some hunters do used the poor little lifeless bodies of the pumpkins they ruthlessly kill to make pumpkin pies and pumpkin cookies and pumpkin bread, but such foods can be made from domesticated produce without having to track down and kill our poor wild pumpkins!

 

But, the vast majority of pumpkin hunters are trophy hunters, who stalk, track down, and kill poor little pumpkins just for a trophy for their porch or a window!

 

This sickness is only made worse in the way these hunters allow, yes, even encourage, their children (CHILDREN!) to cut, gouge, gash, and carve with knives the sad little gutted dead bodies of their prey. In this way, they both encourage a new generation to take up this hideous "sport" and teach poor little children to disrespect and treat in cruel way our fellow creatures on this planet.

 

Worse, many schools now take their children on field trips to the habitat of the wild pumpkins. They turn them loose to chase down the little orange creatures and rip them from their families. Furthermore, they carry them back to school where the awful and hideous mutilation of their poor trembling bodies is encouraged by their teachers!

 

This must stop! Our scientists have known that, like humans, pumpkins mate for life and form loving and caring family units. We at PeTP urge you to write your Representative and demand a stop to be put to this yearly slaughter of helpless pumpkins. We urge you to protest at stores which sell both captured pumpkins or the traps, knives, and guns used by those who hunt them. But most of all, we urge you, if you have trapped a pumpkin and he or she is still alive, PLEASE return him or her to wild so he or she may once be reunited with his or her family, to live out their lives as Mother Nature intended, free in the wild!

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

The local news station was interviewing an 84 year old lady because she just married for the fourth time.

 

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about wheat it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.

 

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

 

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

 

She paused for a moment, needing time to reflect on all those years.

 

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's a funeral director.

 

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asker why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

 

"Easy son," she smiled.

 

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!"

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

What's green and smells like pigs?

 

 

Kermit's finger.

 

Here's a follow-up question:

 

Why doesn't Kermit wash his finger?

 

 

He likes the smell of sweet and sour pork.

 

 

 

 

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: How many bloggers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A: None. Bloggers talk big, but in the final analysis, they never really change anything.

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

Reasons I might vote for Senator Barack Obama

 

I'm considering voting for this Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

 

I might vote for the Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

 

I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the 'bad guys' will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people.

 

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Toyota Prius.

 

I'm voting Democrat becaus e I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of unborn babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

 

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest to the government for redistribution as they see fit.

 

I'm voting Democrat because I believe three or four pointy-headed elitist liberals need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters.

 

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that when the terrorists don't have to hide from us over there, they'll come over here; and I don't want to have any guns in my house to shoot them.

 

I'm voting Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse.

 

I'm voting Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

[teh bunneh]

Re: Jokes

 

Heh. Those are pretty good.

 

Me, I voted Democrat this year because the Evangelical Socialists have stolen away my once-beloved party. Where once the GOP was about fiscal responsibility and hands-off government, they've become a borrow-and-spend (which is essentially tax-even-higher-in-the-future-to-pay-back-what-we-borrowed-and-spend), "we think it's the government's business to intrude into your bedroom" party.

 

I don't have really high hopes that the Democrats, once in charge, will practice a lot of fiscal responsibility -- but on the other hand, last time we had a Donkey in the White House we had a balanced budget. So I'm holding out hope. I figure the odds are better with them than with the GOP.

 

Once the Republicans start showing signs of becoming fiscally responsible again, and once they stop trying to stick their noses into peoples' private lives, then I'll happily go back to voting for them.

 

No joke.

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

Heh. Those are pretty good.

 

Me, I voted Democrat this year because the Evangelical Socialists have stolen away my once-beloved party. Where once the GOP was about fiscal responsibility and hands-off government, they've become a borrow-and-spend (which is essentially tax-even-higher-in-the-future-to-pay-back-what-we-borrowed-and-spend), "we think it's the government's business to intrude into your bedroom" party.

 

I don't have really high hopes that the Democrats, once in charge, will practice a lot of fiscal responsibility -- but on the other hand, last time we had a Donkey in the White House we had a balanced budget. So I'm holding out hope. I figure the odds are better with them than with the GOP.

 

Once the Republicans start showing signs of becoming fiscally responsible again, and once they stop trying to stick their noses into peoples' private lives, then I'll happily go back to voting for them.

 

No joke.

If Obama ends up like Clinton, we'd be okay. Unfortuneately I think he'll be more like Carter.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

If Obama ends up like Clinton' date=' we'd be okay. Unfortuneately I think he'll be more like Carter.[/quote']

 

As in, "Nobody will take him seriously until he's been out of the White House for 15 years"?

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

As in Stagflation, double digit Inflation, and a depressed economy.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

If Obama gets in, you can just about count on "cap and trade" going into effect to combat "global warming". I have heard him on tape say that his changes (once in office) would bankrupt the coal industry in America, and make the cost of electricity skyrocket.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Not speaking as a mod, by the way

 

Ok, guys, there are plenty of other serious political threads. Can we please keep this for jokes?

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

I thought the U.S. government *was* the joke?

 

(Okay, okay, I swear my next post to this thread will be a real joke).

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: How many politicians does it take to shingle a roof?

 

 

A: Depends on how thin you slice 'em.

 

[input.jack]

Re: Jokes

 

Whats black and white and red, and wont fit thru a revolving door?

 

 

A Nun with a javelin thru her head!

 

[Cybertooth]

Re: Jokes

 

As in Stagflation' date=' double digit Inflation, and a depressed economy.[/quote']

 

Ok, kind of like it is right now?

 

Anyhoo...

 

Why should golfers wear two pairs of pants?

 

 

A: In case they get a hole in one.

[Bazza]

Re: Not speaking as a mod, by the way

 

Ok' date=' guys, there are plenty of other serious political threads. Can we please keep this for jokes?[/quote']

 

Q: How do you make your politician work?

 

A: Don't vote for him.

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

A politician was out of work for a while, so he went to a farmer and asked if there was any work he could do. The farmer, thinking to make the politician's live miserable, took him to the stables and pointed to the stalls.

 

"I want all of that horse manure put into that wagon." Knowing that this would be a long, miserable task, the farmer went off, chuckling.

 

A little over an hour later, the politician walked out to the farmer in the field and said, "Okay, I'm done with that. What next?"

 

The farmer, thinking there is no way anyone could have cleared out the stalls that fast, went to the stables. But sure enough, all of them were empty and the manure wagon was full.

 

"Okay," said the farmer, "I need you to pick up all the cow patties in the field. Use that other wagon."

 

Again, a little over an hour later, the politician returned to say, "That's done as well. What do you want done now?"

 

The farmer checked, and sure enough, all of the cow patties had been picked up and put in the wagon. Impressed, the farmer said, "You've done a great job, and we're coming up on lunch time. Why don't you take that pile of potatoes and sort them -- the big ones in that bushel, the small ones in the other. When you're done with that, come in for lunch."

 

An hour passed, then two. Lunchtime had come and gone, and the farmer was getting concerned. He went outside to see that the politician has only sorted about a half dozen potatoes in those two hours. "I don't understand," the farmer said. "You did those other jobs so quickly, and so wonderfully. What happened?"

 

The politician replied,

 

"I can shovel sh*t all day long, no problem, but now you're asking me to make a decision..."

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A beautiful blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet $20, 000 on a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

 

With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come one baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!"

 

She hugged eached of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothese and quickly departed.

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

 

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

 

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 

The Moral of the Story:

 

Not all Irish are stupid, not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A guy goes into a doctor's surgery and says, "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."

 

The Doc asks, "How's that?"

 

The guy threw his hands up in frustration, "Don't you start!"