SteveZilla Posted June 2, 2008 Report Share Posted June 2, 2008 Re: Jokes You just bleu it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 2, 2008 Report Share Posted June 2, 2008 Re: Jokes You Munster! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh bunneh Posted June 3, 2008 Report Share Posted June 3, 2008 Re: Jokes Guy goes to see his doctor. He says, "Doctor, I've got this problem with gas. I'm constantly passing gas -- but the thing is, my flatulence is completely odorless, and completely silent. In fact, you probably haven't noticed but I've been farting since I came in here." So the doctor gives him some pills to take and says to come back in two weeks. Two weeks later, the guy goes back to the doctor. "Doc, I don't know what was in those pills you gave me, but now my gas smells horrible! It smells like a raccoon died in the middle of summer in a dumpster full of burning baby diapers!" The doctor smiles. "Excellent! We've fixed your sense of smell! Now to work on that hearing problem..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 5, 2008 Report Share Posted June 5, 2008 Re: Jokes What happened to the computer when it crashed? It got a slipped disk. Why did the computer go to the supermarket? To buy its mouse some cheese. Why did the computer cross the road? To get a byte to eat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 5, 2008 Report Share Posted June 5, 2008 Re: Jokes I will seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you, and when I am finished you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
proditor Posted June 5, 2008 Report Share Posted June 5, 2008 Re: Jokes How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location of the Dirt Bag. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer. Why Don't Blind People like to Sky dive? Because It Scares The Dog. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work? A Stick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NestorDRod Posted June 5, 2008 Report Share Posted June 5, 2008 Re: Jokes Wow. We're going back to the real oldies here. With that in mind... What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 7, 2008 Report Share Posted June 7, 2008 Re: Jokes Q: Why don't lobsters share? A: Because they're shellfish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 9, 2008 Report Share Posted June 9, 2008 Re: Jokes "Hello, is this the police?" "Yes it is. How can we help you?" "I'm calling to report my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call." The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They seach the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open very piece of firewood, but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave. The phone rings at Wazza's house. "Hey Wazz, did the cops come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop up your firewood for ya?" "Yep." "Happy birthday, maaaaaaaate!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
proditor Posted June 9, 2008 Report Share Posted June 9, 2008 Re: Jokes Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery! (Thanks to ARC) Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Somebody call the janitor- we'll need a mop. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord Of Darkness! Bo Bo! Come back! Bad dog! Wait a minute... If that's his spleen, what's this? Oh no! I just lost my Rolex! Oops! Has anybody ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before? Ya know, there's big money in kidneys, and, uh, this guy's got two healthy ones... Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration. Hey, let's make his leg twitch! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses! Sterile, schmerile, the floor's clean. What do you mean he WASN'T in for a sex change? Anyone see where I left that scalpel? Now, we remove the subject's brain, and place it in the body of an ape! Gee, I hope he already has some kids... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nexus Posted June 9, 2008 Report Share Posted June 9, 2008 Re: Jokes On seeing what must be the most beautiful women in the world a man approached her. They talk for awhile and when she realizes that he wants her, she makes it clear she's not interested in him romantically. Desperate he offered, "If I gave you a priceless diamond necklace, would you agree to make love with me?" She thinks a moment and then agrees He thinks a moment, and then asks, "How about for a full length mink coat?" Again, she agrees. He takes out his wallet and checks it then asks, "How about for 100 dollars?" Outraged the woman slaps him and shouts, "What do you think I am: a whore!?" Rubbing his cheek, the man smirked and replied "Well, your first answer established that; I thought we were haggling..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nexus Posted June 9, 2008 Report Share Posted June 9, 2008 Re: Jokes A woman is sitting in a bar and a guy walks up to her and starts hitting on her She says "I'm just here for a drink, I'm not interested" but he won't leave her alone Finally he says, "How about we play a riddle game. I'm really good at riddles, so if I ask you a riddle you can't get I'll give you $500, and if you ask me one I can't get you only give me $5" She sees he won't leave her alone so she says all right And he says, "What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the day, and three at night?" She doesn't even think about it, she just reaches in her purse and gives him $5 Then he says "You tell one now, I'll get it right off" So she says, "What is brown and has five legs going up the mountain, is yellow and has six legs at the top of the mountain, and is red and has twenty legs coming down the mountain?" And he thinks and thinks Pulls a riddle book out of his pocket and looks through it Opens his laptop and checks the internet Finally he gets disgusted and hands her $500. She puts it in her purse and just keeps drinking her drink And he finally shouts, "WELL WHAT IS BROWN AND HAS FIVE LEGS GOING UP THE MOUNTAIN, IS YELLOW AND HAS SIX LEGS AT THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN, AND IS RED AND HAS 20 LEGS COMING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN???" And she just reaches in her purse and gives him $5. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted June 9, 2008 Report Share Posted June 9, 2008 Re: Jokes A man is flying cross-country and is a considerable amount of time into the trip when the pilot's voice comes over the PA system. "Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost our #4 engine. However, since this plane still has 3 good engines, we have decided to continue to our destination. However, our arrival will be delayed 20 minutes." The flight continues, and about 90 minutes later, the pilot again announces over the PA system: "Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we just lost our #2 engine. However, the plane can easily continue on two engines. Unfortunately, we will be an hour late to our destination." About an hour after that, the PA starts up again. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to say our #3 engine just failed. But this plane was designed to stay aloft even on only one engine, so we decided to continue on our flight, but we will now be an hour and a half late." Fifteen minute pass, then the pilot's voice again comes over the PA. "Um, ladies and gentlemen, our last engine just stopped working..." "OH, THAT IS JUST GREAT!" shouts the passenger angrily. "We're gonna be up here ALL FREAKIN' DAY!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted June 11, 2008 Report Share Posted June 11, 2008 Re: Jokes A man is flying cross-country and is a considerable amount of time into the trip when the pilot's voice comes over the PA system. "Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost our #4 engine. However, since this plane still has 3 good engines, we have decided to continue to our destination. However, our arrival will be delayed 20 minutes." The flight continues, and about 90 minutes later, the pilot again announces over the PA system: "Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we just lost our #2 engine. However, the plane can easily continue on two engines. Unfortunately, we will be an hour late to our destination." About an hour after that, the PA starts up again. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to say our #3 engine just failed. But this plane was designed to stay aloft even on only one engine, so we decided to continue on our flight, but we will now be an hour and a half late." Fifteen minute pass, then the pilot's voice again comes over the PA. "Um, ladies and gentlemen, our last engine just stopped working..." "OH, THAT IS JUST GREAT!" shouts the passenger angrily. "We're gonna be up here ALL FREAKIN' DAY!!!" Heh. That joke reminds me of the Gimli* Glider incident. *Note: Not the LotR Dwarf! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 13, 2008 Report Share Posted June 13, 2008 Re: Jokes Q: Why did the preacher ban the study of Trigonometry in his congregation? A: When he looked at the textbook, he found sin on every page! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted June 13, 2008 Report Share Posted June 13, 2008 Re: Jokes Of course he did... ...cos it had to be there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted June 13, 2008 Report Share Posted June 13, 2008 Re: Jokes Why do Mathemeticians always get regular checkes from Dermatologists? Because they get frequent tans. What do you get when you cross the Math department with the Drama department? cos-play! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 13, 2008 Report Share Posted June 13, 2008 Re: Jokes Good to see so many math jokes. I've always felt that humor was in integral part of mathematics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 13, 2008 Report Share Posted June 13, 2008 Re: Jokes Not to get off on a tangent here, but something just doesn't add up. These jokes are the product of a degenerate mind. Hope that doesn't sound mean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted June 13, 2008 Report Share Posted June 13, 2008 Re: Jokes Have you heard about the fishmonger looking for love in all the wrong plaices ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 14, 2008 Report Share Posted June 14, 2008 Re: Jokes Not to get off on a tangent here' date=' but something just doesn't add up. These jokes are the product of a degenerate mind. Hope that doesn't sound mean.[/quote'] It's almost as if some of us have started to regress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Posted June 14, 2008 Report Share Posted June 14, 2008 Re: Jokes Maybe, but it's not exponential or unbounded. There is a limit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 14, 2008 Report Share Posted June 14, 2008 Re: Jokes Image deleted at the request of the image's host. It went something like this, though: i: "Be rational!" pi: "Get real!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lemming Posted June 14, 2008 Report Share Posted June 14, 2008 Re: Jokes I love the anti-link image. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 14, 2008 Report Share Posted June 14, 2008 Re: Jokes I heard this one from my boss today. An old man with two sons, one rich and one poor, passed away. The rich brother called the poor brother and said, “I just can’t get away from my work obligations to take care of this. So go ahead and plan the funeral and send me the bill. Make sure everything is first class, and I’ll pay for it all.” So the poor brother made all the arrangements, and it was a beautiful funeral. A month later, the rich brother got a stack of bills and paid them all. Then, a month later, he got another bill for $480. He went ahead a paid it. A month later, he received still another bill for $480, and he paid that. When the same bill arrived the following month, he decided he should look into it. So he called the poor brother and asked what the bill was for. “Well, you said I should make sure everything was first class,” he said. “So I rented Dad a tuxedo.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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