Jokes

[Ian Mackinder]

Re: Jokes

 

Either I'm missing something or that was a "Shaggy Dog Story". Upon reading the Wikipedia article I just referenced' date=' i realized that the "Purple Passion/Spaghetti/Donut" joke referenced is identical to the one I used to tell about "The Blue Preacher", except for the color involved.[/quote']

 

Ayup, knew that. Consider my response of feigned cluelessness to be a commentary on the joke.

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

The Big Orange Head joke disappointed me only because its a lame form of the shaggy dog story (and it took some time for the penny to drop). I prefer the kind which has a punchline that's relevant to the story, but fails to enlighten you as to the main object of curiosity within the joke.

 

Once I told the Blue Preacher to a co-worker after several months of build-up. The actual telling took at least five minutes, and he felt so cheated when he heard the punchline he pestered me for a week to tell him who the Blue Preacher was. Alas, that's not part of the joke so I never learned it.

 

After that telling I retired the Blue Preacher, as I could not imagine a more successful telling of it than the last one. It's been 28 years since I last told it.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: What's red and smells like blue paint?

 

 

A: Red paint, of course.

 

[FireTiger]

Re: Jokes

 

“Doctor, doctor, I’m so worried,” said the anxious man. “Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son’s just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been going on?”

 

“Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do you have sex?”

 

“About 5 times a year.”

 

“Well, there’s your answer then, you’re just a little rusty.”

[FireTiger]

Re: Jokes

 

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip to Dartmoor and as they lay down for the night Sherlock Holmes said, “Doctor Watson, my old friend, when you look up into the darkness, please tell me what you see.”

 

“Well, I can see a very clear sky, there are no clouds and the stars are out in their millions. I can see the Milky Way and I believe that extra bright star over there is the planet Venus which you can see at this time of the year. I would also deduce that being such a clear night will mean that it will get quite chilly.”

 

Watson laughed and said, “But knowing you, Sherlock, I’m sure there are many things I have missed. What have you deduced?”

 

There was a moment’s silence and then Holmes replied, “Somebody’s stolen our tent.”

[Drhoz]

Re: Jokes

 

Comic Sans walks into a bar. The barman yells "Get out, we don't don't serve your type in here!"

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. "Excuse me," he says to the bartender. "Do you serve IRS agents here?"

 

The bartender takes one look at the alligator, gulps, and says, "Uh... yeah, sure!"

 

So the guy sits down, alligator at his side, and says, "Okay, I'll have a beer. And the 'gator here will have an IRS agent."

[Drhoz]

Re: Jokes

 

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "How much for a pint?"

 

The barman pushes a glass over and says "For you, no charge"

[Escafarc]

Re: Jokes

 

A geneticist, a physiologist and a physicist were summoned to meet a wealthy racehorse magnate. He told them he would give a million pounds to the one who could accurately identify race-winning horses. After six months of hard work, they returned to present their results to the expectant millionaire.

The geneticist said, "I've looked into all the current genetic research, checked blood-lines going back decades, but there are just too many behavioural and environmental factors. I can't help."

The physiologist said, "I've looked at muscle mass, bone volume and density, and all the other factors I can think of, but the problem's too complex. There's just no guarantee of predicting a winner."

Finally, the physicist calmly walks up to the millionaire and gives him an index card. "Here you go," he says "I've found an equation that solves the problem for you."

"Wow," said the millionaire, "That's impressive...I'll get my cheque book."

"Great. But there's one thing you should know," said the physicist. "It only works for a spherically symmetric horse travelling in a vacuum."

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Q - Why do ghouls hang out with demons?

 

 

A - Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

 

 

Happy Halloween, everyone!

[Escafarc]

Re: Jokes

 

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

My favorite way to kid someone on Halloween:

 

 

"So, did you carve out a pumpkin, or will you just look out the window tonight?"

 

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Q - Where did the cyborg go to get his sense of smell repaired?

 

 

A - Back to the ol' factory.

 

[Drhoz]

Re: Jokes

 

Q - Where did the cyborg go to get his sense of smell repaired?

 

 

A - Back to the ol' factory.

 

ARGH *flees the room holding my nose* ( high praise indeed for a pun that egregious )

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Q - Where did the cyborg go to get his sense of smell repaired?

 

 

A - Back to the ol' factory.

 

ARGH *flees the room holding my nose* ( high praise indeed for a pun that egregious )

 

That pun was worthy of being a guest on a TV show:

 

 

Egregious & Kelly!

 

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

ARGH *flees the room holding my nose* ( high praise indeed for a pun that egregious )

 

That pun was worthy of being a guest on a TV show:

 

 

Egregious & Kelly!

 

Nuts, I can't Rep either of you for your responses. A little help, someone?

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

I got Drhoz for you, but couldn't rep SteveZilla just yet.

[Drhoz]

Re: Jokes

 

I got Drhoz for you' date=' but couldn't rep SteveZilla just yet.[/quote']

 

Got him

[FireTiger]

Re: Jokes

 

A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing a paper suit and is immeadiately arrested by the sherrif for rustling.

[FireTiger]

Re: Jokes

 

A music hall entertainer is stopped by police for having a faulty break light, and on the car's back seat, is a large set of knives. The officer asks the man why he has them -- doesn't he know that it's against the law to carry knives like that.

 

The man explains that the knives are usign in his act -- he juggles them.

 

The officer insists that the man get out of the car to show him so he is soon standing on the side of the road performing his act. Just then, another car drives by and the driver of that car turns to his wife, saying, "Thank goodness I gave up drinking, just look how the police test you these days!"

[FireTiger]

Re: Jokes

 

And one more for today...

 

"Mister Luckless, before I pass sentence, do you have anyone you can present as a chartacter witness on your behalf?" asked the judge.

 

"Yes, your Honor, I do." replied Mister Luckless. "Him, over there" and he pointed to a police officer.

 

"But your Honor," sputtered the officer, "I've never met this man in my life."

 

"Exactly," exclaimed Mister Luckles, triumphantly. "I've lived in this town for nearly twenty years and the police still don't know me. Now doesn't that show good character?"

[Lucius]

Re: Jokes

 

Q - Why do ghouls hang out with demons?

 

 

A - Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

 

 

Happy Halloween, everyone!

 

No no, it's

 

 

A - Because demons are a ghoul's best FIEND.

 

 

Lucius Alexander

 

a palindromedary's best friend

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

No no, it's

 

 

A - Because demons are a ghoul's best FIEND.

 

 

Lucius Alexander

 

a palindromedary's best friend

 

I stand corrected. Repped, of course.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

 

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

 

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.

 

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you jack@ss, show up and drink the whole thing!

 

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever to touch its fur.

 

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it."

Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

 

Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.

 

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

 

The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla!

 

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and

said, "Tag! You're it!"