mattingly Posted April 9, 2010 Report Share Posted April 9, 2010 Re: Jokes What did Tarzan say when he looked over the hill and saw the elephants coming? "Here come the elephants!" How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant? Grapes are purple. What did Jane say when he she saw the elephants coming over the hill? "Look, here come the grapes!" (She was color blind.) What did the elephants say when they saw Tarzan coming over the hill? Nothing, elephants can't talk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted April 9, 2010 Report Share Posted April 9, 2010 Re: Jokes Think I've heard all of those before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted April 11, 2010 Report Share Posted April 11, 2010 Re: Jokes I heard this one at a convention tonight. I applauded from the front row, The rest of the audience all booed. -- Picture the Middle Ages, in a dark dungeon. There are some red-robed figures surrounding a man who is tied to a chair. He has been beaten, bludgeoned, and bloodied to the edge of death. Gasping for breath, he lifts his head and faces his tormentors. "Why? Why are you doing this? What is it that you want? What do you expect from me?" The leader of the robed figures replies, in a harsh, high-pitched voice. "Expect? Expect?!? No one inquisits the Spanish expectation!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted April 11, 2010 Report Share Posted April 11, 2010 Re: Jokes What is the catchphrase of the guy whose job it is to count prostitutes? Tally Ho! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xavier Onassiss Posted April 13, 2010 Report Share Posted April 13, 2010 Re: Jokes So did you hear about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austenandrews Posted April 13, 2010 Report Share Posted April 13, 2010 Re: Jokes Did you hear about the famous dog who got dysentery? It was all over the papers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted April 21, 2010 Report Share Posted April 21, 2010 Re: Jokes I'm about to join a group starting up the World's Largest Dungeon, and we were discussing races, classes, and certain spells (Blink in particular). One player (likely playing a Drow) said they should make a magic item of Blinking. I chimed in and said that they should make it into an amulet. That way it would be: Blink Bling Bling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted April 21, 2010 Report Share Posted April 21, 2010 Re: Jokes Obligatory D&D Joke: The Umber Hulk is a fearsome monster. But is its coloring raw umber or burnt umber? Depends on whether or not it got hit by the fireball spell. I'm sorry; I had to get that out of my system. I'll be quiet now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted April 21, 2010 Report Share Posted April 21, 2010 Re: Jokes Obligatory D&D Joke: The Umber Hulk is a fearsome monster. But is its coloring raw umber or burnt umber? Depends on whether or not it got hit by the fireball spell. I'm sorry; I had to get that out of my system. I'll be quiet now. *Chases after tkdguy whilst waving a chunk of lumber* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted April 21, 2010 Report Share Posted April 21, 2010 Re: Jokes So does that make Narf a "Lumber Hulk"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 22, 2010 Report Share Posted April 22, 2010 Re: Jokes Q - How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb? A - However many gives the most plusses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 22, 2010 Report Share Posted April 22, 2010 Re: Jokes Q - How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb? A - However many gives the most plusses. and XP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 22, 2010 Report Share Posted April 22, 2010 Re: Jokes and XP. Point taken. (So to speak.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwiggins Posted April 22, 2010 Report Share Posted April 22, 2010 Re: Jokes This one's a slightly dirty, so I'm putting it under a spoiler. A man askes his friend "If I had sex with your wife, would that make us related?" His friend replies "No, but it would make us even." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 24, 2010 Report Share Posted April 24, 2010 Re: Jokes A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: >To: My Loving Wife >Subject: I've Arrived > I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed > to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that > everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! > Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was. > > P.S. Sure is hot down here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted April 24, 2010 Report Share Posted April 24, 2010 Re: Jokes A bonde texted me: What does IDK stand for? I replied: I Don't Know The Blonde texted back: OMG! No one does! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enforcer84 Posted April 26, 2010 Report Share Posted April 26, 2010 Re: Jokes A bonde texted me: What does IDK stand for? I replied: I Don't Know The Blonde texted back: OMG! No one does! Was it "James Bonde"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted April 26, 2010 Report Share Posted April 26, 2010 Re: Jokes so I can't type Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted April 26, 2010 Report Share Posted April 26, 2010 Re: Jokes I went to a convent one day and I saw one of the sisters on the roof fixing the tiles. I ask "Who's she?" One of the others says "She's the Mother Superior, she had to learn all the trades. It's in the job description." "Huh?" "You know "Jack of all trades, master of nuns" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted April 26, 2010 Report Share Posted April 26, 2010 Re: Jokes If you ever go to a convent, you'll find it empty. Why is that? Think about what kind of person would live there. Nun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted April 27, 2010 Report Share Posted April 27, 2010 Re: Jokes The Silent Generation are people born before 1946. The Baby Boomers are people born between 1946 and 1959. Generation X are people born between 1960 and 1989. Generation Y are people born between 1990 and now. Why do we call the last one generation Y? I did not know, but a cartoonist explains it eloquently below...learned something new today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh bunneh Posted April 27, 2010 Report Share Posted April 27, 2010 Re: Jokes Guy goes to his doctor, says, "Doc, I keep having these terrible headaches. It's like there's this vice-like pressure on my temples, and ..." "And your neck is stiff and sore?" the doc asks. "Yes!" the man exclaims. "How did you know?" "I used to get the exact same thing. It's caused by stress -- the muscles in your neck and head are too tense. Here's what I did to cure them. Every night, I gave my wife oral sex. When she had an orgasm, she squeezed her thighs tightly against my head. That relieved the pressure, and the headaches went away! Try it, and I guarantee good results." Two weeks later, the guy went back to see the doctor again. "Doc, your cure worked great! It's been two weeks, and I haven't had a headache since! Oh, and by the way, I really like your house." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted April 27, 2010 Report Share Posted April 27, 2010 Re: Jokes [go back & look at the picture if you need to.] I'd give you Plumber's Butt rep, but I seem to be out for the day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted May 12, 2010 Report Share Posted May 12, 2010 Re: Jokes Benny worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. His primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him. "Master," the genie began, "I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you: You must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever." Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49 percent of the total Microsoft stock, which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife, and lo and behold, she was. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune, and he instantly became a worldwide celebrity. Over the years, Benny's beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and more irritating, while the memory of the genie's warning faded. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn, to stay there forever. The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 12, 2010 Report Share Posted May 12, 2010 Re: Jokes The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned. that is bad. Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. " "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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