Jokes

[matrix3]

Re: Jokes

 

I know a guy that has 2 and they came to an arrangement. The LUCKY dog.

 

And I know a number of guys who don't really know what to do with the one they have...

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

I know a guy that has 2 and they came to an arrangement. The LUCKY dog.

 

And I know a number of guys who don't really know what to do with the one they have...

 

Q: What's the definition of polygamy?

A: One too many wives.

 

Q: What's the definition of monogamy?

A: Same thing.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Science Test Answers

 

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Twas the Night before Christmas (Postmodern Version)

 

Bryan Stone, Boston University School of Theology

12/10/2010

 

Twas a Postmodern Christmas, when all through the regime

Not a concept was stirring, not even a meme.

Essentialist dogmas were nurtured with care,

And imperialist ambitions still hung in the air

 

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While grand narratives of progress danced in their heads.

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just performed gender before taking a nap.

 

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew in a craze,

And incarnated an internalized masculine gaze.

 

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Hegemonically othered the objects below.

When, what to my binaried eyes should appear,

But a sleigh simulacrum, and virtual reindeer.

 

With a little old driver who had friends in Havana,

I knew right away it was postmodern Santa.

More rapid than eagles discourses they came,

As he named and destabilized each language game!

 

"Now Heidegger, Nietzsche! Now, Levinas and Lyotard!

On Derrida, Foucault! On Butler and Baudrillard!

To each modern foundation, to each stucturalist wall!

Now deconstruct! Deconstruct! Deconstruct all!"

 

His aesthetic was queer, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes juxtaposed with ashes and soot.

A bundle of kitsch he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a pastiche of red, white, and black.

 

What some crassly call fat, he called “differently weighted,”

The politics of hate in one stroke out-narrated

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Intertextual clues I had nothing to dread.

 

He spoke less in words than ambiguous gestures,

And filled all the stockings with empty conjectures.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

with critical distance, up the chimney he rose!

 

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew heterotopically spatial

But I heard him exclaim, as I stood there half-dreaming,

"Liberation to all, and an excess of meaning!"

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.

 

Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

[Darbor]

Re: Jokes

 

Think "honk" if you're a telepath - Bumper Sticker

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

A Lifetime to Learn

 

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

2. If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

 

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

 

4. People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

 

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

 

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

 

7. No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

 

8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

 

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

 

10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

 

11. Never lick a steak knife.

 

12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

 

13. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

 

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

 

15. Your REAL friends still love you anyway.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.

 

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

 

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

 

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

 

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."

 

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot the bear."

 

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

Ouch!

[Shadow Hawk]

Re: Jokes

 

Sven, a elderly man, comes into Dave's general store.

 

"Sven, good to see you. What brings you into town."

"I need to buy a wedding gift, Dave."

"One of your grandsons is getting married?"

"No, Dave, my Father is."

"Sven... your father? You're over seventy, he must be in his nineties as least!"

"He's a hundred and four, to be exact."

"Why does he want to get married?"

"I didn't say he wanted to. He has to!"

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

A Christmas funny courtesy of Dave Barry:

 

'Twas the Night Before the Morning After

 

Linked for length.

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

This is how the priest began his sermon tonight:

 

Three men passed away on Christmas Eve and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Since this is the Christmas season, show me something with a Christmas motif, and I'll let you in.

 

The first man rummaged through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He lit it and said, "It's a Christmas candle." He went through the Pearly Gates.

 

The second man rummaged through his pockets and pulled out his keys. He jingled them and said, "They're Christmas bells." He was let in.

 

The third man desperately rummaged through his pockets and pulled out a pair of women's sunglasses. Confused, St. Peter asked, what they were supposed to represent. The man replied,

 

 

They're Carol's.

 

[dmjalund]

Re: Jokes

 

You know the joke:

 

We walk through a graveyard and we hear the strange sound of classical music playing backwards.

 

When we follow the sound we come across a tombstone that says "Beethoven Decomposing"

Well I find that joke disconcerting

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. As they came to a muddy part of the road, their car got stuck. While trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. They accepted and minutes later the car was free.

 

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

 

The husband looked around at the vast fields and asked the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"

 

 

"Nope," the farmer replied, "Night's when I put the water in the hole!"

 

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

The Four Stages of a Man's Life:

 

1. You believe in Santa Claus.

 

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.

 

3. You become Santa Claus.

 

4. You look like Santa Claus.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

A rich tourist walks into a hotel and places a 100 dollar bill on the front desk counter and tells the proprietor "here's a deposit for me to inspect the rooms to see if they are up to my standard, if they are I'll be back and pay you the balance".

 

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

 

The butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the hog farmer.

 

The hog farmer takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

 

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

 

The prostitute runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

 

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the front desk counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

 

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

 

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States government is doing business today

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

A rich tourist walks into a hotel and places a 100 dollar bill on the front desk counter and tells the proprietor "here's a deposit for me to inspect the rooms to see if they are up to my standard, if they are I'll be back and pay you the balance".

 

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

 

The butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the hog farmer.

 

The hog farmer takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

 

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

 

The prostitute runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

 

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the front desk counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

 

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

 

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States government is doing business today

*Starts singing Steve the Egg as the Dave the Barbarian theme song plays in the background*

 

Because they did something like that as a skit.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

Bejabbers!

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

"When life gets complex, don't panic. Just multiply by the conjugate."

 

(Told by my nerdy sister-in-law.)

[FireTiger]

Re: Jokes

 

“Oh my darling,” whispered the passionate young man. “Am I the first man you’ve ever made love to?”

 

“Yes, yes,” she replied, looking bored. “Why do men always ask the same silly question?”

[FireTiger]

Re: Jokes

 

And one more for today....

 

A young hitchhiker got a lift with a truck driver but halfway through the night they found themselves stranded along the highway. The driver told her they’d have to wait till morning before getting help so she could have his bed in the cabin and he would sleep on the seat.

 

After a while, the girl whispered, “It’s a shame you have to give up your bed, why don’t you come in here with me, there’s plenty of room.”

 

So the man got in beside her.

 

“It might be nice if we slept ‘married’,” she giggled.

 

“Whatever you like,” he said, and he turned his back to her and went to sleep.

[Shadow Hawk]

Re: Jokes

 

"We listed 'cause of death' as 'natural'."

"Natural, Doc? He was shot 15 times in the chest, and twice in the head!"

"And he died from that, naturally enough."

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

"We listed 'cause of death' as 'natural'."

"Natural, Doc? He was shot 15 times in the chest, and twice in the head!"

"And he died from that, naturally enough."

Of course, there's the question of what to put down, if he didn't die or revived (There can be only one!).

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Hitchhiking, lovingly known as the safest form of travel, has become more popular than ever now that cars cost more than college and airplanes are made of poison. Here are some tips for effective hitchhiking:

 

• Ingratiate yourself to the passing cars by complimenting them with a thumbs-up.

• Be prepared to give the driver some dating advice in exchange for a ride, as hitchhiking is based on the Will Smith movie, Hitch.

• Put the prospective rides at ease by writing, "Do not worry my arms are very weak and could not subdue an adult," on your sign.

• If you are hitchhiking as part of a comically mismatched duo, only accept rides in the back of a truck full of chickens.

• Most modern cars come equipped with a "hitch hole" under the floor where hitchhikers can sleep long after the car's owner thinks they've gone.

• Nothing bad has ever happened to a hitchhiker.

[teh bunneh]

Re: Jokes

 

Hitchhiking' date=' lovingly known as the safest form of travel, has become more popular than ever now that cars cost more than college and airplanes are made of poison. Here are some tips for effective hitchhiking: [/quote']

 

Gas, Grass, or Ass. No one rides for free!