Shadow Hawk Posted September 11, 2010 Report Share Posted September 11, 2010 Re: Jokes more VIPER jokes Q: What do VIPER agents do with a burned out light bulb? A: Execute it for failure! Q: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a dumb UNTIL agent and a smart VIPER agent find a dollar on the road. Who gets the dollar? A: The dumb UNTIL agent. There's no such thing as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or a smart VIPER agent. Q: Why do VIPER bases use astroturf instead of real grass? A: It keeps the agents from grazing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow Hawk Posted September 13, 2010 Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 Re: Jokes For sale: VIPER blasters. Never Fired. Dropped once. Huge inventory must go as we are running out of space. Contact Defender, c/o The Champions for details. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted September 13, 2010 Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 Re: Jokes A man came into the barber, closely followed his little girl, who was eating a snack cake. As the Barber prepared to cut the man's hair he warned the little girl: "You better step back, honey, you'll get hair on your Twinkie". Excitedly, the little girl replied "Yeah, and I'll get BOOBS, too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwiggins Posted September 24, 2010 Report Share Posted September 24, 2010 Re: Jokes From this months Playboy A little girl askes her mother, "Can I have a Barbie doll and a GI Joe?" Mom says "But sweetie, Barbie comes with Ken." The girl replies "No, she comes with GI Joe, she only fakes it with Ken!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
"V" Posted September 24, 2010 Report Share Posted September 24, 2010 Re: Jokes A friend of mine is dating twins. I asked him how he told them apart. He said, "It's easy. Helen wears her hair a little longer, and she has a cute little dimple in her cheek when she smiles. And Trevor has a c*ck." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matrix3 Posted September 24, 2010 Report Share Posted September 24, 2010 Re: Jokes A friend of mine is dating twins. I asked him how he told them apart. He said, "It's easy. Helen wears her hair a little longer, and she has a cute little dimple in her cheek when she smiles. And Trevor has a c*ck." He's dating twins? Both of them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted September 28, 2010 Report Share Posted September 28, 2010 Re: Jokes Every news website article about a scientific finding, ever: http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/the-lay-scientist/2010/sep/24/1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Escafarc Posted September 28, 2010 Report Share Posted September 28, 2010 Re: Jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Escafarc Posted September 28, 2010 Report Share Posted September 28, 2010 Re: Jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted September 29, 2010 Report Share Posted September 29, 2010 Re: Jokes @Escafarc: I'd give you math geek rep, but I gotta spread some. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 Re: Jokes Halloween Lines That Sound Dirty But Aren't 10. She's a goblin! 9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack. 8. Let me see your bag ... OH! - You're having a great night! 7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head. 6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch 5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer. 4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts. 3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth, 2. You scared me stiff! 1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 Re: Jokes Why Trick-Or-Treating is Better Than Sex 10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6. It's okay when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the morning after. 1.You can DO the whole neighborhood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 Re: Jokes Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and... PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why... BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire... OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ... (better start again) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 Re: Jokes ADHD: Do You Hear What I Jingle Bells of Santa Claus Decking The Halls and Silver Bells, etc.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 Re: Jokes Three cooks, one from Kentucky, one from California and one from Oregon were sitting on a park bench passing the time. Suddenly, the cook from Kentucky reaches under the bench and drags out a new bottle of bourbon, takes a big swig, tosses the bottle into the air and shoots it with a pistol. "What did you do that for?" asks the cook from California. "We got lots of bourbon in Kentucky" was the reply. Next the cook from California takes out a bottle of fine wine, takes a huge swig, throws the bottle into the air and shoots it with a pistol. "What did you do that for?" asks the cook from Oregon. "We got lots of wine in California" was the reply. The cook from Oregon takes out a bottle of Henry's Private Reserve beer, takes a humongous swig and shoots the cook from California. "What did you do that for?" asks the cook from Kentucky. "We got lots of Californians in Oregon" was the reply. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 Re: Jokes For Halloween Why'd the evil chicken cross the street? To gorge itself on tasty human meat Lucius Alexander The palindromedary hears the call of Cluckthulu Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 Re: Jokes Why'd the chicken not cross the road? The light wasn't green yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 15, 2010 Report Share Posted October 15, 2010 Quite Possibly the Nerdiest Joke Ever Posted Here Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: -e^(pi*i) e^(pi*i) + 1 = 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted October 18, 2010 Report Share Posted October 18, 2010 Re: Quite Possibly the Nerdiest Joke Ever Posted Here 1978: Long hair 2010: Longing for hair 1978: KEG 2010: EKG 1978 : Acid rock 2010: Acid reflux 1978: Moving to California because it's cool 2010: Moving to Arizona because it's warm 1978: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1978: Seeds and stems 2010: Roughage 1978: Hoping for a BMW 2010: Hoping for a BM 1978: Going to a new, hip joint 2010: Receiving a new hip joint 1978: Rolling Stones 2010: Kidney Stones 1978: Screw the system 2010: Upgrade the system 1978: Disco 2010: Costco 1978: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1978: Passing the drivers' test 2010: Passing the vision test 1978: Whatever 2010: Depends Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list: *The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1992. *They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. *Their lifetime has always included AIDS. *Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. *The CD was introduced the year before they were born. *They have always had an answering machine. *They have always had cable. *They cannot fathom not having a remote control. *Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show (well, almost always). *Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. *They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. *They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.." *They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. *McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. *They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted October 18, 2010 Report Share Posted October 18, 2010 Re: Jokes I was at a humorous speech contest this weekend, and I spent some time with one of the contestants (http://www.amazingbarry.com) before showtime, swapping jokes. Here's one that he told me: A man with a giant orange head walks into a doctor's office. "Doc, you gotta help me." The doctor asked, "What in the world? I've never seen anything like this. What happened?" The man replied, "I'd really rather not say. Can you help me?" "This is completely outside my realm of experience. The more you can tell me about how this happened, the better chance I'll have of being able to help you." "Okay, okay. I was on the beach last week, and I tripped over a magic lamp, when a genie came out, and--" "Come on, I need to know what really happened." "This is what really happened. Do you want to know or not?" "Okay, okay. Please continue." "Anyway, I was granted three wishes. First, I asked for unlimited funds. And now, there's always money in my wallet no matter how much I pull out." He reached into his wallet and pulled out a few thousand to show the doctor. "Wow, that's amazing!" "Yeah, then I wished for a beautiful wife that totally loved me. And the genie granted it. She's great, doc, I gotta tell ya." "This is unbelievable. And what was your third wish?" "I wished for... ...a giant orange head." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Mackinder Posted October 18, 2010 Report Share Posted October 18, 2010 Re: Jokes I was at a humorous speech contest this weekend, and I spent some time with one of the contestants (http://www.amazingbarry.com) before showtime, swapping jokes. Here's one that he told me: A man with a giant orange head walks into a doctor's office. "Doc, you gotta help me." The doctor asked, "What in the world? I've never seen anything like this. What happened?" The man replied, "I'd really rather not say. Can you help me?" "This is completely outside my realm of experience. The more you can tell me about how this happened, the better chance I'll have of being able to help you." "Okay, okay. I was on the beach last week, and I tripped over a magic lamp, when a genie came out, and--" "Come on, I need to know what really happened." "This is what really happened. Do you want to know or not?" "Okay, okay. Please continue." "Anyway, I was granted three wishes. First, I asked for unlimited funds. And now, there's always money in my wallet no matter how much I pull out." He reached into his wallet and pulled out a few thousand to show the doctor. "Wow, that's amazing!" "Yeah, then I wished for a beautiful wife that totally loved me. And the genie granted it. She's great, doc, I gotta tell ya." "This is unbelievable. And what was your third wish?" "I wished for... ...a giant orange head." So, what happened then? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwiggins Posted October 18, 2010 Report Share Posted October 18, 2010 Re: Jokes Man walks into a bar. He's very well dressed, has a beautiful woman an his arm. And a 12" man sitting on his shoulder. He says to the bartender "Give me 12 shots of the most expensive whiskey that you have" Bartender pours them. The man gives him a thousand dollars and says "Keep the change" As the man reaches for the first, the little man runs down his arm and kicks them all over. The man says "give me 12 more" The bartender pours 12 more. The man gives him another thousand. again saying "keep the change" He reaches for the first and the little man runs down his arm and pisses in all of them. The bartender askes "What's with the little man?" "Well, I found a genie and he gave me 3 wishes. First I asked for all the money I could ever use. Then I asked for a smart, beautiful woman that would love me. Then I asked for a 12" dick. This must be him Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted October 23, 2010 Report Share Posted October 23, 2010 Re: Jokes I was at a humorous speech contest this weekend' date=' and I spent some time with one of the contestants (www.amazingbarry.com) before showtime, swapping jokes. Here's one that he told me: A man with a giant orange head walks into a doctor's office. "Doc, you gotta help me." The doctor asked, "What in the world? I've never seen anything like this. What happened?" The man replied, "I'd really rather not say. Can you help me?" "This is completely outside my realm of experience. The more you can tell me about how this happened, the better chance I'll have of being able to help you." "Okay, okay. I was on the beach last week, and I tripped over a magic lamp, when a genie came out, and--" "Come on, I need to know what really happened." "This is what really happened. Do you want to know or not?" "Okay, okay. Please continue." "Anyway, I was granted three wishes. First, I asked for unlimited funds. And now, there's always money in my wallet no matter how much I pull out." He reached into his wallet and pulled out a few thousand to show the doctor. "Wow, that's amazing!" "Yeah, then I wished for a beautiful wife that totally loved me. And the genie granted it. She's great, doc, I gotta tell ya." "This is unbelievable. And what was your third wish?" "I wished for... ...a giant orange head." So' date=' what happened then?[/quote'] Either I'm missing something or that was a "Shaggy Dog Story". Upon reading the Wikipedia article I just referenced, i realized that the "Purple Passion/Spaghetti/Donut" joke referenced is identical to the one I used to tell about "The Blue Preacher", except for the color involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted October 24, 2010 Report Share Posted October 24, 2010 Re: Jokes "Shaggy Dog Story" The joke is a joke on a listener, because there is no clever twist at the end. The listener spends most of the telling wondering what pun could have been misinterpreted as a big orange head, like the twleve inch pianist joke, but the punchline it's so obvious and stupid that it's funny. See also: What's brown and sticky? A stick! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted October 24, 2010 Report Share Posted October 24, 2010 Re: Jokes The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. "She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, then she ran out of bullets, she killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "Did your Daddy tell you the moral to this horrible story?" "He sure did": "Don't f**k with Mommy when she's been drinking." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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