Tim Posted August 13, 2010 Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 Re: Jokes Its Mike’s first day on the job as a bartender. As he serves a customer a Manhattan, a piece of parsley falls into the drink. “What the heck is that?” the customer asks. “It’s your Manhattan. And there’s Central Park.” He replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwiggins Posted August 13, 2010 Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 Re: Jokes A old man goes to his doctor and says "I think my wife is going deaf." The doctor replies "She might, here's how you check...." and he explains The old man goes home and is wife is reading in the living room. He gets all the way across the room and askes "Honey, what's for dinner?" Getting no response he moves to the center of the room and again asks "Honey, what's for dinner?" She still dosent respond so he gets right behind her and again asks "Honey, what's for dinner?" She turns around and yells "For the third time, CHICKEN!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marcus Impudite Posted August 13, 2010 Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 Re: Jokes Joe walks into his favorite bar and grill and notices they have a midget playing a piano in place of the karaoke machine. He asks the manager, Frank, "Since when can you afford to hire live entertainment?" "Well, I sort of wished for him from the magical wishing tree out back." Frank replied. Joe looked at him quizzically and then said, "There's no such thing." "Come on," Frank said. "I'll show you." They go out back to the tree, and Frank tells Joe, "Go ahead, make a wish." Joe smirked and then said, "Okay, I wish I had a million bucks." Suddenly, a massive flock of ducks came flying out of a knot hole in tree, one million in all. Joe shakes his head and looks at Frank. "This magic tree of yours doesn't quite work right." Joe complained. "Tell me about it," Frank sighed. "Do you honestly think I'd wish for a three foot pianist?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted August 14, 2010 Report Share Posted August 14, 2010 Re: Jokes Carmen Miranda Rights You have the right to fresh fruit. If you cannot afford fresh fruit, you have the right to canned, dried, or otherwise preserved fruit. If you cannot afford any fruit, you have the right to a peel, but your peel will be fruitless and you will not suck seed. You have the right to one cup of fruit juice, fresh or from concentrate, as long as you don't get fresh and concentrate on answering our questions. Now tell us what we want to know or you will be subjected to further pun-ishment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted August 14, 2010 Report Share Posted August 14, 2010 Re: Jokes Ack! That one hit me like a can of a cheap brand of beer while I was surprised. I.e.: [ATTACH=CONFIG]36759[/ATTACH]-whacked! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 15, 2010 Report Share Posted August 15, 2010 Re: Jokes Two corn cobs were walking down the street. One cob noticed that they were being followed everywhere they went. He turned to the other cob and said, "Don't look now, but I think we have a stalker!" Here's another one you'll hate Why should you never make important arrangements with corn? Because corn flakes. You may not be the General of Bad Jokes, but you're at least a Colonel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted August 15, 2010 Report Share Posted August 15, 2010 Re: Jokes You may not be the General of Bad Jokes' date=' but you're at least a Colonel.[/quote'] Or have the ear of one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted August 15, 2010 Report Share Posted August 15, 2010 Re: Jokes You're just trying to butter me up, aren't you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted August 15, 2010 Report Share Posted August 15, 2010 Re: Jokes You're just trying to butter me up' date=' aren't you?[/quote'] Why would I want to butter up an old corn like you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted August 16, 2010 Report Share Posted August 16, 2010 Re: Jokes Shucks, you beat me to it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted August 16, 2010 Report Share Posted August 16, 2010 Re: Jokes Carmen Miranda Rights You have the right to fresh fruit. If you cannot afford fresh fruit, you have the right to canned, dried, or otherwise preserved fruit. If you cannot afford any fruit, you have the right to a peel, but your peel will be fruitless and you will not suck seed. You have the right to one cup of fruit juice, fresh or from concentrate, as long as you don't get fresh and concentrate on answering our questions. Now tell us what we want to know or you will be subjected to further pun-ishment. I don't know whether to be flattered, or disappointed.... Lucius Alexander The palindromedary suggests that with as much material as we've swiped over the years, I've little room to complain.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted August 16, 2010 Report Share Posted August 16, 2010 Re: Jokes I ran across it, and knew that it had to be shared once again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 18, 2010 Report Share Posted August 18, 2010 Re: Jokes something from work: 1) Bill: is it just me or are the weeks seeming to drag? Yet we are speeding towards christmas!???? Fred: not just you. I blame electionitis. its contagious Bill: lol 2) Fred: may the unicorns bless you today. Bill: i hope so. well, bless me, not sneeze on me Fred: there is a difference? Damn I'm doing it wrong. Bill: lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 Re: Jokes An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?" She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwiggins Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 Re: Jokes Uncle Sams Misguided Children Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow Hawk Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 Re: Jokes The pilot was old, and looked it, and the passenger airline he worked for wanted a excuse to retire him for his appearance upset the passengers. So they sent him to a medical exam, telling the doctor to find a excuse, any excuse, to ground him. But the doctor couldn't! The man was in perfect health, with perfect eyesight and hearing, lightning reflexes, with a sharp memory. Finally, the doctor asked about his sex life. "When's the last time you had sex?" The doctor asked. "Nineteen fifty six" the pilot replied. The doctor was astonished. "That long ago!" he exclaimed. The pilot looked startled, checked his watch and said "Shoot, Doc, it's only twenty one thirty Zulu now!" . . . . . . For those who don't get it, the pilot was using military time; 1956=7:56 pm. "Zulu" refers to "Zulu time zone" aka Greenwich Mean Time. Pilots (and sailors!) often uses "Zulu Time" because they can lose track of what time zone they're in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwiggins Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 Re: Jokes Darn, I was going to do that one, but thought it would be too dirty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted August 29, 2010 Report Share Posted August 29, 2010 Re: Jokes One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now! Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, What am I going to do now? But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marcus Impudite Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 Re: Jokes A depressed-looking fellow walks into a bar and orders scotch on the rocks. After watching him down four shots and sit there staring at the floor, the bartender asks him "Hey pal, you alright?" The man replies "I just walked in on my wife doing my best friend tonight." "I'm sorry to hear that," The bartender says sympathetically. "So, what did you do?" "I told that two-timing whore to pack up her things and get out." The man says. "I'll be filing for divorce in the morning." "Good for you buddy, sounds like a sensible way to handle the situation." The bartender pats the man's shoulder. "So what did you say to your friend?" "I said, 'bad dog, that's a very bad dog...'" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted September 3, 2010 Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Re: Jokes Did you know that Greyhounds are actually good at math? "Leave the deriving to us." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted September 3, 2010 Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Re: Jokes Did you know that Greyhounds are actually good at math? "Leave the deriving to us." ...That's it, I'm blowing up the Earth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xavier Onassiss Posted September 3, 2010 Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Re: Jokes This guy walks into the Doctor's Office with a duck on his head. The Doctor looks at him and asks cautiously, "Can I help you?" And the duck says, "Yeah, Doc. Get this guy off my @$$!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted September 3, 2010 Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Re: Jokes And hte duck says, "It started out as a wart!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SatinKitty Posted September 3, 2010 Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Re: Jokes Why did the monkey fall out of the tree ? Because he was dead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted September 4, 2010 Report Share Posted September 4, 2010 Re: Jokes Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree ? He was dead too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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