Jokes

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator,"" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. ""Never mind,"" he said with a hiccup, ""I got in the back seat by mistake. """

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

The moral of the story:

A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

 

And that my friends, is a fine example of a shaggy dog story. Repped.

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

And that my friends' date=' is a fine example of a shaggy dog story. Repped.

 

For the older ones among us...

 

That reminds me of Milt Famey, the Detroit Tigers pitcher from the 1970s. Milt was a relief pitcher, far enough down the roster that he rarely got to pitch in a game. He'd bring a cooler full of beer, sit and watch the game from the dugout, while drinking his beer and piling up the empty cans into a pyramid in front of the dugout. But Milt always watched each batter very intently, studying them to see which pitches they'd swing at and which ones they'd let past.

 

During one game (against the Milwaukee Brewers) the main pitcher was out sick. The next pitcher in line was doing okay all the way until the ninth inning, when he let the Brewers tie the score 3-3. Then, while getting the second batter out, the pitcher hurt his shoulder, so the coach had to (reluctantly) put Milt Famey in. Heck, nobody was on base, and they had two outs. All Milt had to do was get one more batter out, and the Tigers could maybe pull it off in extra innings.

 

So Milt walked up to the mound. He took one look at the batter, shook his head sadly, and threw the first pitch. A ball. The second was a ball, as were the third and fourth pitches. To the resounding "boos" of the Tigers fans, the first Brewers batter walked to first.

 

The next batter came up, and again Milt shook his head. And again, he pitched four balls. Again, another batter walked. The Brewers now had runners on first and second, and the crowd was booing even louder.

 

As the next batter came to the plate, Milt again frowned and shook his head. Four more balls, and the bases were loaded. Tigers fans were starting to leave the stadium in disgust.

 

But as the final batter came to the plate, Milt's face split in a huge grin. He wound up, he pitched... "STRIKE ONE!" The crowd went wild. It looked like Milt knew what he was doing after all.

 

The second and third pitches were both low and outside, and elicited some more boos, but Milt's smile didn't falter. He still looked like he had a handle on things.

 

The next pitch was another strike, and again the crowd went wild. Maybe Milt could pull it off!

 

But on the next pitch, Milt's foot slipped, and the pitch went just a bit off the mark. Another ball.

 

All of the Tigers fans held their breath. It was the bottom of the ninth, score tied, bases loaded, with a full count. Everything was hanging on the last pitch.

 

But Milt was still smiling. He wound up... he pitched... the ball flew... "BALL FOUR!" He had walked the fourth batter, and the Brewers won the game.

 

Two Brewers fans, a husband and wife, were walking out of the statium when the wife pointed at the pyramid of cans in front of the Tigers dugout.

 

"What's that?" she asked her husband.

 

 

"Oh," he replied, "That's the beer that made Milt Famey walk us."

 

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

I went to the copy store to pick up some signage that I'd ordered, when I remembered that I was supposed to pick up some fancy paper to print out some thank you cards.

 

I didn't see that kind of paper around, and I was in too big a hurry to actually look for it, so I asked the woman at the counter, "Do you keep stationery?"

 

 

She replied, "Only for a few minutes, and then I just go wild!"

 

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

 

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: You don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

 

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

[Black Ops]

Re: Jokes

 

I am not sure if this one has been posted before but it is a good one:

 

A skeleton comes to the Dentist and lets him check its teeth.

Dentist checks the Teeth and says:

 

"Well your Teeth are pretty well.... but I do not like your gums......

[mwiggins]

Re: Jokes

 

from this months Playboy

 

 

A businessman is going over some billing paper work and is having problems. He askes his secretary "If I gave you $30 thousand dollars minus 15% what would you take off?"

She though about it for a few seconds and replied

 

Everything except my earings

 

 

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?

 

 

Daaaa-deee! I want to go to Ha-wa-iii!

 

(Apologies to any sorority girls reading this.)

 

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

 

[sNIP!]

 

You wouldn't believe how many cops have been saved that sort of embarrassment since the proliferation of dash cams!

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

You wouldn't believe how many cops have been saved that sort of embarrassment since the proliferation of dash cams!

 

Heck, even before that, I think they started leaving their radio mike open so that the conversations/sounds got recorded.

[Cancer]

Re: Jokes

 

The American movie rating system explained

 

G: Nobody gets the girl.

 

PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.

 

R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.

 

X: Everybody Gets The Girl.

 

XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.

I first saw this in the mid-1990s, and my son (turns 15 this weekend) finds it very amusing.

 

But it's not accurate. It would be closer to correct if it went

 

G: The good guy plays with other 'toon characters

 

PG: The good guy plays with the good girl

 

R: There are no good guys

 

X: The good guy plays with the bad guy

 

XXX: The good guy plays with the bad guy, the bad girl, the bad girls' sisters, their mothers, and the goat farm

[teh bunneh]

Re: Jokes

 

A husband and wife are in the bedroom making love, when they hear a creak at the door. They look up to see their young son standing in the doorway, staring wide-eyed at them. Without a word, the boy turns around and runs away to his room.

 

The husband sighs. "It's OK, honey," he says. "I'll go talk to him."

 

The husband goes down to the boy's room and opens the door. He is shocked to see the boy in bed, making vigorous love to grandma!

 

"What the hell is going on???" the husband demands, outraged.

 

"Yeah, not so funny now that it's your mom, is it?" the boy replies.

 

 

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1206.html

 

I just saw this and had to post it. Hilarious.

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”

 

“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”

 

“Get a boy friend.” Paul replied.

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

Not a joke, but it is funny: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6075289/1/Joint_Mission_to_Aessuma

 

"In which Teyla and Vala both write mission reports."

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew coffee each morning. She said, 'You should do it, you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

 

He said, 'You are in charge of cooking.'

 

She countered, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

 

He replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

What brand of car does the Pope prefer?

 

 

A Christ-ler

 

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

What did Homer Simpson forget to buy when he was going to bake bread?

 

"DOUGH!"

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

...Ow.

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

Sorry about that.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

Two corn cobs were walking down the street. One cob noticed that they were being followed everywhere they went.

 

He turned to the other cob and said, "Don't look now, but I think we have a stalker!"

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

Two corn cobs were walking down the street. One cob noticed that they were being followed everywhere they went.

 

He turned to the other cob and said, "Don't look now, but I think we have a stalker!"

*Groan*

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

Here's another one you'll hate

 

Why should you never make important arrangements with corn?

 

Because corn flakes.

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

Here's another one you'll hate

 

Why should you never make important arrangements with corn?

 

Because corn flakes.

Ow, my brain.

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

A couple were sitting in their house on their 50th anniversary, and the woman looked over to see her husband crying silently.

 

"You old coot!" she shouted. "You don't have a sentimental bone in your body. What the heck are you crying for?"

 

"Do you remember when your daddy caught us foolin' around in the barn? And he said that I either had to marry you or he'd send me to jail for 50 years?" He wiped away some tears. "Well, today I'd have been a free man."