Jokes

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

This is a silly thread of conversation.

 

Better "silly thread" than "silly string," I guess.

[Captain Obvious]

Re: Jokes

 

I'm coming to the end of my rope with these puns. We should string up the next guy who comes in here adding to the problem.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

I'm coming to the end of my rope with these puns. We should string up the next guy who comes in here adding to the problem.

You sound fit to be tied.

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

...I'd like to be fit to be pied. Pie sounds good. A nice, round food.

[Lawnmower Boy]

Re: Jokes

 

Silly boy. Pie are squared.

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

No, Pie are round. Cobblers are square.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Tim, you should work on overcoming your shoemaker phobia. Try geting to the sole of the problem.

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

Not that kind of Cobblers. COBBLERS

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

Silly boy. Pie are squared.

...Oh no! Without a real Vic-20 and specialized hardware, I'll never crack the case!

 

...Did I win something?

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Yes, a genuine Les Paul copy.

[FireTiger]

Re: Jokes

 

This one should probably go into something like the Funny Pictures thread, but since it is essentially a visual joke, I present it here.

 

Now then...CSLs all to DCV...prepared to abort to dodge...

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]37580[/ATTACH]

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

This one should probably go into something like the Funny Pictures thread, but since it is essentially a visual joke, I present it here.

 

Now then...CSLs all to DCV...prepared to abort to dodge...

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]37580[/ATTACH]

 

So the NFPA 704 placard would be?

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

 

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet," the wife asked?

 

"Both," the caller replied. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

 

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

 

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

 

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

 

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

 

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"

 

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

[Lucius]

Re: Jokes

 

Cobblers are square.

 

On the contrary, cobblers aren't square - they have a lot of sole!

 

Lucius Alexander

 

All around the cobbler's bench, Lucius chased the palindromedary

[Lucius]

Re: Jokes

 

This one should probably go into something like the Funny Pictures thread, but since it is essentially a visual joke, I present it here.

 

Now then...CSLs all to DCV...prepared to abort to dodge...

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]37580[/ATTACH]

 

I think that one's outdated. Under hazards it should read "possession of more than one specimen is illegal in most jurisdictions, but possible if a safe distance is maintained between specimens."

 

Lucius Alexander

 

Cornering the palindromedary market

[FireTiger]

Re: Jokes

 

I think that one's outdated. Under hazards it should read "possession of more than one specimen is illegal in most jurisdictions, but possible if a safe distance is maintained between specimens."

 

Lucius Alexander

 

Cornering the palindromedary market

 

I found it a few years back, and I've still not seen a version of the MDS for Man. And now....

 

Deep in the heart of Sherwood Forest, Robin Hood was lying in bed in his cottage, only a few days from death. "Little John," he croaked "give me my bow and arrow and open the window. I will fire the arrow and wherever it lands, please bury me there."

 

And indeed, a few days later, Robin died, and having promised to carry out his final wish, Little John and the rest of the Merry Men buried Robin on top of the wardrobe.

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

I found it a few years back, and I've still not seen a version of the MDS for Man. And now....

 

Deep in the heart of Sherwood Forest, Robin Hood was lying in bed in his cottage, only a few days from death. "Little John," he croaked "give me my bow and arrow and open the window. I will fire the arrow and wherever it lands, please bury me there."

 

And indeed, a few days later, Robin died, and having promised to carry out his final wish, Little John and the rest of the Merry Men buried Robin on top of the wardrobe.

...That could turn into an awesome crossover with Narnia.

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: Why is Santa so jolly?

 

A: Because he knows where all the naughty boys and girls live.

 

True story: One Santa was fired by Macy's for telling that joke. He was hired by a pub across the street from Macy's.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Woody Allen explained how his series of vodka ads came to be. "A big vodka company wanted a prestige ad. And they wanted to get Noel Coward but he was not available ... They tried to get Laurence Olivier ... They finally got me. The phone rings and the voice on the other end says, 'How would you like to be this year's vodka man?' And I said 'No, I'm an artist. I do not do commercials. I don't pander. I don't drink vodka. If I did I wouldn't drink your vodka.' He said, 'Too bad. It pays fifty thousand dollars.' I said, 'Hold on, I'll put Mr. Allen on the phone."

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Advice From A Retired Husband

 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

 

My name is Mel. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Bonnie.

 

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bonnie to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

 

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bonnie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

 

However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Mel.

 

NOTE: Mel died suddenly yesterday of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Bonnie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Mel, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

 

1. Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?

 

2. Multiple Personality Disorder -- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

 

3. Dementia -- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

 

4. Narcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

 

5. Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and.....

 

6. Paranoid -- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

 

7. Borderline Personality Disorder -- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

 

8. Personality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

 

9. Attention Deficit Disorder -- Silent night, Holy oooooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

 

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

 

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her immediate medical assistance.

 

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

 

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

 

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him for you." Bob brings his wife in.

 

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do." "Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

 

With that, Igor picks Betty up and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

 

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more and pass away....

 

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody flows through-out the house.

 

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting organ music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit straight up!!!

 

Unable to contain himself, he rushes up the stairs to the music conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

 

"Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

[Shadow Hawk]

Re: Jokes

 

"I lost my job. Well, I didn't lose it, it's still there, it's just that there's some new guy doing it now.

"I lost my girlfriend..."

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They're completely silent and French. Mimes, or Ninjas?

-

 

These men are celibate, like their fathers, and their fathers' fathers before them.

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"Fools! I will destroy you all! (Ask me how!)" - T shirt

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After Tuesday, even my calendar says W-T-F.

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You've got to be careful with homeopathy. If you forget to take your medication, you might die of an overdose!

-

"There once was a game called D&D. It was like World of Warcraft for Amish."

[mwiggins]

Re: Jokes

 

I think that one's outdated. Under hazards it should read "possession of more than one specimen is illegal in most jurisdictions, but possible if a safe distance is maintained between specimens."

 

Lucius Alexander

 

Cornering the palindromedary market

I know a guy that has 2 and they came to an arrangement. The LUCKY dog.