Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

[Susano]

Per Pop Culture Addict.

 

http://www.popcultureaddict.com/comicbooks/lamestsuperheroes.htm

 

Enjoy, discuss, rant.

[keithcurtis]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

I can't believe Matter-Eater Lad is on this list. Tenzil Kem is the coolest Legionnaire, ever.

 

Oh, and everyone knows that Streaky's powers came from Kryptonite-X, not white kryptonite, which only kills plant life.

 

Keith "we, uh, we did all know that, right?" Curtis

[Susano]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

Keith "we' date=' uh, we did all know that, right?" Curtis[/quote']

 

Uhm... sure, yeah.

[zornwil]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

This is great, thanks.

 

Being the best at being lame is a funny thing - it's being so lame that you stand out. Not just mediocre, boring, mundane, forgettable - but memorably, bizarrely inane. I think Matter Eater Lad deserves that. It doesn't detract from him being cool. But as an actual super power? I mean, it's pretty silly.

 

The Red Bee is pretty funny, that's great, I assume the trained bee had no powers besides stinging and being small - though to be fair, build a trained bee in HERO and I bet you could consume something like 350 easily (Shrinking, Desolid (the good old "not through airtight surfaces"), EB, Flight, Armor, and some skills such as Stealth, Security Systems for representing getting through many systems). Of course as a Follower you get to divide by 5...I've really got to make a Red Bee character, it's a great idea.

 

Dogwelder was really funny.

 

Arm Fall Off Boy had to have been inspired by the classic parental line about tearing off one's arm and beating one with it.

 

I would never have thought of the Legion of Superpets as lame, but I guess they do deserve their place in a "top 10" of lameness. Again, kitschy doofus-hip coolness, but really, I mean, what villain wants to say he got captured by Streaky, Beppo, and so on...

 

I wouldn't put Zan on the list - just plain colorless mediocrity. But I did just hear a pretty funny joke around Zan and Jayna on the TV show Scrubs the other day.

 

Kind of the same for Aqualad, to me he's just a clone sidekick and not really worthy of "best of the lame". Silver Age Robin, at least at his most annoying, might deserve it for setting the depth of annoying kid sidekicks, as he was the sidekick to the one of the greatest supers but remained the "boy hostage" basically in too many a story.

 

I think since the Inferior Five was deliberate parody you really can't include them, and I wouldn't even have stated them as also-rans.

 

I would consider '70s Dove for one of the lamest. I mean, here's a guy whose storylines most often involved not hitting someone or arguing with Hawk (who still ended up smacking the victim around). Basically, he had decent judo and IIRC didn't even actually fly but glided. And it's one of the most silly of the "socially relevant" trend, the whole Hawk and Dove thing.

[Ebon]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

Heh. This is what happens when you give someone too short of a deadline for an article. After bypassing tons of purposefully humorous or parody characters (such as Skateman), here's my list.

 

1. The Listener. Chuck Wilson of The Blackhawks had perhaps the lamest name and costume in a short-lived and very embarrasing stint as a superhero/secret agent when the team was revised to boost flagging sales. His power? Eavesdropping expert. His costume? A blue jumpsuit with pink ear symbols.

 

2. The Space Canine Patrol Agents. If I'm lyin' I'm dyin'.

 

3. Extrano ("strange") of the New Guardians. The first obviously gay character in a mainstream book and it had to be this flaming idiot? You could probably pad out the rest of this list with the others.

 

4. Dove. After creating a great dualist set of characters, DC drops the balls and makes Dove a whiny little wimp that only occassionally manages to get a bit of glory. The depiction in the Justice League cartoon was vastly better.

 

5. Aqualad. Much as I love Aqualad, in the Silver Age he was a total fifth wheel. No super strength yet, no sorcerous powers yet, no real telepathy, and if he was out of water for more than an hour, he died. He was in the Titans because he was (barely) a teen and his mentor was in the JLA. No wonder he eventually got a girlfriend and said 'screw you guys, I'm going home'.

 

6. The Groundhog. Yeah, if I'm given a suit capable of terraforming, I'm gonna call myself The Groundhog. Left Alpha Flight because of embarrasment.

[Haven Walkur]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

Sweet Kirby, but I'm getting tired of having to defend Legionnaires Bouncing Boy and Matter-Eater Lad to snickering ignorami (ignoramuses?) like the author of the article Susano has linked here.

 

{sigh}The linked article, like the "Maxim" article mentioned in it, was as dismissible as it was dismissive of some of my Legion favourites. Perhaps someone should explain to the two "pundits" responsible for these "Lamest Superheroes" articles that a character doesn't have to have to have a plain vanilla power-set -- i.e. have simplistic powers, with an obvious application -- in order to be effective as a hero.

 

The fact that neither article-writer is able to conceive of a way in which Bouncing Boy or Matter-Eater Lad could be useful speaks, I think, more to the writers' lack of imagination and knowledge of the characters than to any "lameness" on the part of the characters themselves.

 

Do your research before you sneer, litttle boys.

 

An overweight superhero with a profound practical grasp of dynamics and the ability to make his collisions with other objects almost perfectly elastic (the more he bounces, the faster he goes). Well, that's an obviously useless character. Lame, uh-huh. {heavy sarcasm here}

 

I beg to differ.

 

Did it ever occur to the article-writers just how hard Bouncing Boy could slam into someone or something...and all without taking any damage himself from the collision? Did the writers think about how difficult it would be to avoid BB's pile-driving attack when it could come from any direction and at incredible speeds?

 

No, obviously not.

 

A humanoid alien hero who can eat any form of matter...who can bite off, chew up and consume matter of all sorts -- and digest it. No, nothing useful there. Just another silly power. {more sarcasm}

 

Again, I beg to differ, d*mnit.

 

Obviously the writers of the "Lamest Superheroes" articles didn't stop to think that Matter-Eater Lad is the one character who cannot be physically bound or imprisoned, ever...because if M-E Lad can get his teeth to whatever is binding or imprisoning him, it's history! Ditto any physical substance that's binding or imprisoning anyone else.

 

Stone, metal, power dampers, kryptonite of every colour, radioactive ores of all kinds...M-E Lad can eat the lot, and furthermore, once it's in his stomach, the material is effectively neutralized. [Yes, fellow Legion fans, I know about the Magnozite problem M-E Lad has...but since he could bite through it, chew it up and swallow it, even though it would then poison him, I wasn't counting it as a limitation on his "eating" ability.]

 

Besides, would you like to tell a man whose teeth can bite through anything, whose jaws can chew up anything, that he's lame? What about a man whose digestive system is essentially a fusion reactor?

 

Since these article writers seem so fond of plain vanilla power-sets and applications, then let's consider Superman, the ultimate in straightforward power applications. And let's say Lex Luthor has used chains of green kryptonite to bind Superman. Oh no, Superman is incapacited and slowly dying from the toxic kryptonite effects!

 

Matter-Eater Lad eats the green K. And once it's in his stomach, the green K is gone, out of the area and no longer affecting Superman. And Superman begins to recover.

 

It's unfortunate that the writers of these "Lamest Superheroes" articles obviously know nothing about a little Universe-threatening device called the Miracle Machine. It was a Very Bad Thing, as in end-of-the-Universe bad. Its energies were all-pervasive and it was indestructible.

 

Matter-Eater Lad ate it.

 

The alien energies of the Miracle machine drove him temporarily insane, but this way, its effects weren't reaching anyone or anything else in the Universe. And that's why M-E Lad did it, because that's what heroes do....

 

But of course, Matter-Eater Lad's just one of the ten lamest superheroes ever, so it shouldn't count....

[Supreme Serpent]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

Lamest SuperHEROES?

 

Cross reference: Authority

 

 

[Lord Mhoram]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

S

It's unfortunate that the writers of these "Lamest Superheroes" articles obviously know nothing about a little Universe-threatening device called the Miracle Machine. It was a Very Bad Thing, as in end-of-the-Universe bad. Its energies were all-pervasive and it was indestructible.

 

Matter-Eater Lad ate it.

 

Long Live the Legion!

 

Preach on.. Every time I see a list like this I think "Okay so how many legionaires are going to be on it this time" - Chuck Taine was my second favorite legionaire, just after Karate Kid.

 

 

My personal list include people like the Punisher "Uh... I wear black and carry guns. I shoot gangsters" yeah, real Superheroic there. *sigh*

[zornwil]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

But what do we mean, really, by the word "lame"?

 

If we're using the term as a sneering derision, then, Haven, I agree with the spirit of your post (regardless of specifics).

 

But if we're using it more as a loving swipe at absurd constructs, which is how I took the article (not the Maxim one, the one Susano cited), then I think Matter Eating Lad or (good grief) Bouncing Boy fit the bill. It doesn't mean that the stories aren't necessarily enjoyable. But, to me anyway, come on, a guy who "eats anything" as his power? They did that with Holmes and YoYo, basically, and although that show has a cult following I strongly suspect the stories themselves are pretty poor compared to those of Matter Eating Lad or general Silver Age Legionnaires stuff. But either way, to me, it's an absurd, campy ability - "lame." That's not the same as saying the stories suck, that's an independent variable.

 

That said, I CREATE and USE lots of "lame" supers in my campaigns. They're fun and they can even be effective. But, look, I sure as heck wouldn't want to be the Living Tongue or Penishead!!!!!

[teh bunneh]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

It's unfortunate that the writers of these "Lamest Superheroes" articles obviously know nothing about a little Universe-threatening device called the Miracle Machine. It was a Very Bad Thing, as in end-of-the-Universe bad. Its energies were all-pervasive and it was indestructible.

 

Matter-Eater Lad ate it.

 

The alien energies of the Miracle machine drove him temporarily insane, but this way, its effects weren't reaching anyone or anything else in the Universe. And that's why M-E Lad did it, because that's what heroes do....

 

I agree. Tenzil Kem is the shiznit. And not only that, but eating the Miracle Machine seemed to give our young Tenzil some pretty amazing probability-altering powers (AKA incredible, unbelievable luck -- the Universe sometimes just seemed to bend to his unspoken will).

[OddHat]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

Most of these were meant to be light hearted fun. The writer is a self-hating Geek.

 

Cypher - Great character, incredibly potentially powerful if you give him Doc Strange's library or access to a computer.

 

Brother Power the Geek - 60s joke character. Doesn't count as lame.

 

Matter Eater Lad - Often very well written with a whimsical but effective power.

 

Dogwelder - Joke character and intended as such.

 

Arm Fall Off Boy - Joke character.

 

The Legion of the Superpets - Great whimsical fun, and can be written as heart wrenchingly sad or as darkly satiric. Fantastic characters.

 

Zan from the Wonder Twins - Standard kid's TV superhero.

 

Aqualad - Superstrong, moderately tough, can breath under water, fast under water, no worse than many power sets. The Aqua family gets a raw deal.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

Red Bee is always at the top of my lame list, no surprise to see him here. Or most of the list for that matter. (Hmm, matter...matter...matter...)

 

I completely agree about MEL (and Bouncing Boy, a childhood fave). So, the question is why does MEL get so little respect? If a character could disintegrate any material in their hands there would be no cries of 'Lame!' (although there might be cries of 'Bland!'). Obviously it's just the act of eating that seems so silly. Some people can accept the method of power, some can't. I have no problem with eating as power. If the character were a robot or cyborg with a massively oversized jaw and adamatium teeth he might be more acceptable at large. But he's not. He's an average looking teenager. I like that.

 

There is a limit though. If Up-His-Ass Lad could destroy anything he shoved into his rectum...I would have a problem with that.

 

 

 

(Note I was good and said nothing about Up-Her-Ass Lass...)

[Enforcer84]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

And no mention of the Punisher.

[CrosshairCollie]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

Another point in favor of Tenzil ... in the later Legion years, Tenzil was an incredibly effective person NOT because of his powers, but because of his charisma. The dude went into politics and probably did as much, if not more good, from that post than he did (directly) as a Legionnaire.

 

Of course, he did once bite the Persuader's Atomic Axe in half ...

 

MEL: "When the battle got tough, I realized that I had to rely on my strengths."

Reporter: "Which are ...?"

MEL: "Well, mostly eating and digesting."

[kjamma4]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

Obviously the writers of the "Lamest Superheroes" articles didn't stop to think that Matter-Eater Lad is the one character who cannot be physically bound or imprisoned, ever...because if M-E Lad can get his teeth to whatever is binding or imprisoning him, it's history!

 

Couldn't they devise something that straps his jaws shut so he can't bite?

 

Stone' date=' metal, power dampers, kryptonite of every colour, radioactive ores of all kinds...M-E Lad can eat the lot, and furthermore, once it's in his stomach, the material is effectively neutralized. [/quote']

 

That's one thing I never understood - why wouldn't the radioactive material have any effect BEFORE he put it in his mouth. I'll give you the "I can chew anything and digest it" but the radioactive material would still poison him prior to eating.

 

Of course much of the lameness of the character has to do with how they WERE used, not how they CAN be used.

[kjamma4]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

Of course' date=' he did once bite the Persuader's Atomic Axe in half ...[/quote']

 

From Wikipedia "The Persuader had no superpowers, but instead wielded an "atomic axe" on a long shaft, resembling a halberd. This axe could reportedly cut through anything, occasionally including purely metaphoric or intangable things, such as a person's air supply, the force of gravity, or the separation between dimensions."

 

This was always cheesy to me. I could go with a super sharp axe but cutting off gravity was just silly.

[OddHat]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

There's a certain segment of the Superhero Fan Base that can't deal with the fact that comic book characters, including characters included in otherwise "serious" adventure comic books, were often intended to be funny.

[death tribble]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

I can't see him on the list nor see a link to the Maxim article so why is Bouncing Boy being mentioned ?

 

I can see whyt many of these characters would be considered lame. Especially the Red Bee. Cypher, well apart from translating he couldn't do much. Look at the other New Mutants and yes they had useful powerful abilities and were allowed to develop. Not so Cypher.

 

Arm Fall Off Boy ? Never saw it but yes that is lame.

 

As is Dog Welder and the Legion of Super Pets.

 

I think the one you might have the real argument with is Aqua lad.

 

The Authority had very useful powers.

Access to healing and the collected wisdom of the ages (the Doctor);

Solar power (Apollo);

Ability to do practically anything with machines (Engineer);

Draws power from cities (Jack Hawksmoor);

Can fight any battle in his head before a blow is struck and thus wins (Midnighter);

What Jenny Sparks can do I won't mention but if you are Earth's line of defense against any attack that is pretty strong.

[Supreme Serpent]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

Lamest SuperHEROES?

 

Cross reference: Authority

 

 

 

The Authority had very useful powers.

 

Indeed. I take no issue with the "super" part of the term.

[Doug McCrae]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

Good list, I'd not heard of Arm Fall Off Boy, a bit similar to the Split! Captain Marvel.

 

Red Bee is unbelievable. I'd read before that it sometimes wasn't a swarm but a single bee called Malcolm, which I thought must surely be a mistake. If it's true he has to be #1.

[Haven Walkur]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

There's a certain segment of the Superhero Fan Base that can't deal with the fact that comic book characters' date=' including characters included in otherwise "serious" adventure comic books, were often intended to be funny.[/quote']

 

According to this segment of the Superhero Fan Base, at least:

 

Lobo=funny, joke character

Howard the Duck=funny, joke character

Ambush Bug=funny (pain in the @ss, but funny), joke character

Bessie the Hellcow (vampire farm animal)=funny, joke character

Bizarro Superman=funny, joke character

Captain Carrot and the Amazing Zoo Crew=funny, joke characters

 

Bouncing Boy=funny moments, not a joke character

Matter-Eater Lad=funny moments, not a joke character

The Legion of Substitute Heroes=funny moments, but NOT joke characters

[zornwil]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

Most of these were meant to be light hearted fun. The writer is a self-hating Geek.

 

Cypher - Great character, incredibly potentially powerful if you give him Doc Strange's library or access to a computer.

 

Brother Power the Geek - 60s joke character. Doesn't count as lame.

 

Matter Eater Lad - Often very well written with a whimsical but effective power.

 

Dogwelder - Joke character and intended as such.

 

Arm Fall Off Boy - Joke character.

 

The Legion of the Superpets - Great whimsical fun, and can be written as heart wrenchingly sad or as darkly satiric. Fantastic characters.

 

Zan from the Wonder Twins - Standard kid's TV superhero.

 

Aqualad - Superstrong, moderately tough, can breath under water, fast under water, no worse than many power sets. The Aqua family gets a raw deal.

I think that the Aqua family gets a raw deal whereas Submariner gets a "cool!" factor simply because of the original ignoble presentation of Aquaman. Obviously they tried to spruce that up in the last couple decades, but I think in general the human psyche sees being under water as something less grand, less connected, and slightly threatening (against us), so unless you do something such as was done with Submariner and give him the anti-human thing and/or play up the nobility people immediately form a more negative than positive perception once one is past the "gee whiz" stage of viewing superpowered people.

 

That and in general power sets that involve commanding animals tend to get dissed, too, partly I think as we generally look at animals as inferiors and the power to manipulate them so indirect that it's less clearly powerful. Such as the common (and generally from non-geeks) disses of Antman.

[zornwil]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

There's a certain segment of the Superhero Fan Base that can't deal with the fact that comic book characters' date=' including characters included in otherwise "serious" adventure comic books, were often intended to be funny.[/quote']

Speaking of which, Flaming Carrot is undeniably "lame" but given he's so off-the-wall he carves his own unique niche.

 

One can EASILY put the entire Mysterymen into the "lame" category. I would - but that's hardly a diss.

[zornwil]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

According to this segment of the Superhero Fan Base, at least:

 

Lobo=funny, joke character

Howard the Duck=funny, joke character

Ambush Bug=funny (pain in the @ss, but funny), joke character

Bessie the Hellcow (vampire farm animal)=funny, joke character

Bizarro Superman=funny, joke character

Captain Carrot and the Amazing Zoo Crew=funny, joke characters

 

Bouncing Boy=funny moments, not a joke character

Matter-Eater Lad=funny moments, not a joke character

The Legion of Substitute Heroes=funny moments, but NOT joke characters

By the same token, a joke character can still exhibit pathos and be used in serious moments. Shades of gray and all.

[keithcurtis]

Re: Top 10 List of the Lamest Superheroes of All Times

 

Lamest Superheroes:

 

Captain Marvel Jr. (Freddy Freeman)

Professor Xavier

Niles Caulder

Donald Blake

...

 

what?

 

oh.

 

Keith "never mind" Curtis