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Quote of the Week From My Life.

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Today, I was driving to the local game store and was cut off by a reckless driver.

On his car were multiple Christian religious symbols.

I made a rude gesture (pinkie finger upraised, "I don't care enough to send the very best")

At the next stoplight, he proceeded to cuss at me using language that would make a sailor blush.

I said "I can tell you're a Christian."

He turned from red to purple.

 

Bump, set, SPIKE!

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Today, I was driving to the local game store and was cut off by a reckless driver.

On his car were multiple Christian religious symbols.

I made a rude gesture (pinkie finger upraised, "I don't care enough to send the very best")

At the next stoplight, he proceeded to cuss at me using language that would make a sailor blush.

I said "I can tell you're a Christian."

He turned from red to purple.

 

Oh, I love it when a hypocrite gets apoplexy! Repped! :thumbup:

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This week's dating outtakes

 

my girlfriend: (to her coworker) "Do you remember that guy I told you about, the one who dressed up as a gorgeous witch last Halloween?"

coworker: "Yes."

my girlfriend: "Now I'm dating him."

coworker: :nonp:

 

During a discussion on dating.

me: "Men are supposed to make the first move, so women have learned how to give us hints to let us know when we're supposed to make that first move."

 

One of my dance partners is a 59-year-old woman who still looks good in bare-midriff outfits.

me: (to the 59-year-old dance partner) "My girlfriend thinks you look hot tonight."

dance partner: "I'm taking home with me tonight." :eg:

 

Talking to the same dance partner two nights later.

me: "Did you notice how I snuck my girlfriend out before you could steal her away."

dance partner: "I hate smart men." :mad:

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Tonight, on going from being lost and bewildered to knowing exactly where I was, how I got there, where I was going, and that it was actually where I wanted to go:

 

"I'm not as confused as I think I am!"

 

 

The palindromedary still thinks I spoke too soon

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

When my eldest daughter was still very young (like 3-4 years old), one local radio station had a jingle they'd play just before giving the weather report. The words to that jingle were "WNIC... Detroit weather..."

 

One day, I was driving someplace, with my daughter in the backseat and the radio playing that station. And when they played that jingle, my daughter sang out, "WNIC... Detroit weapons..."

 

I'm still not sure her version isn't more appropriate. :D

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

"Wow, have I spent twenty minutes in here complaining about the timesheet system?"

 

"Yes, but what I want to know is, how are you going to account for that on your timesheet?"

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Halloween party

 

Like any good roleplayer, I put on a persona to match my costume.

 

This year I dressed as a Rastafarian pasta chef.

Written on the back of my chef's coat:

Pastafarian

"Try de special sauce, Mon!"

 

random partygoer: "So where's your special sauce?"

me: (pulling a jar out of my pocket, and showing them a jar labeled 'Pastafarian Special Sauce') "Right 'ere, mon. You know dis be de real ting, 'cause it say so right on de jar." (flipping the the jar over to show the other side which was labeled, 'De real ting')

random partygoer: "What's in that stuff?"

me: "It be me secret family recipe. It be a special blend of herbs and" (pause) :think: "more herbs."

random partygoer: "It sounds good."

me: "It be so good it make you see Jeezus."

 

my girlfriend: (suggestively) "I'll try your special sauce." ;)

me: "You try anything me pull outta me pants."

 

Asking a woman to dance.

me: "Ay girlie, j'wanna come dance wit' I?"

 

After dancing with a pretty girl

me: "Dammit"

pretty girl: "What?"

me: (pulling a pasta spoon out from under my chef's coat) "Dare really be a pasta spoon in me pocket. For a minnit dare me tink me jus' 'appy to see you." :love:

 

One of my friends dressed as a cheap hooker

cheap hooker: "Why don't you come see me anymore."

me: " 'Cause me see de two dollar pin to you belt an realize you raise you rate."

 

The cheap hooker costume had a strip of condoms hanging from her belt. When I danced with her and spun her, they swung out and slapped across my leg.

me: "Dat be de firs' time in me life me ever bin smack wid a condom."

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

"I can hear the wind whistling through my mustache."

Brian 10/31/09 [dressed as a circa 1970's pr0n star]

 

Dude, if there was anyone in my life that would be a sociopath, it would be you."

"That's not the first time I've heard that."

Krista and Drew 11/1/09

 

"More stories! Now with carbon monoxide!"

Ali[aka me] 11/2/09

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

"Daddy?"

 

"Yes, son?"

 

"Can I have this fire truck for Christmas?" (it's a ride-on)

 

"No, you're a big kid now. You're too big for that one."

 

"What if I get small again?"

 

"What? Uh, no, you're only going to get bigger from now on."

 

"But what if I accidentally walk into a shrinking machine and it shrinks me? Or if I get too close to one? Then I'll be small again."

 

"...Well, I don't think there are too many shrinking machines around here, so I don't think we need to worry about that." (wtf is mommy letting you watch on tv, kid?)

 

"What if I make a shrinking machine? Then can I have the fire truck?"

 

"Kid, if you invent a shrinking machine, you can pretty much have whatever you want."

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

"Daddy?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"How does Spider-Man go to sleep?"

 

"Well, he takes off his costume, takes a bath, brushes his teeth, and goes to bed. Just like you."

 

"Not the fake Spider-Man, Daddy. The real one."

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

"Daddy?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"How does Spider-Man go to sleep?"

 

"Well, he takes off his costume, takes a bath, brushes his teeth, and goes to bed. Just like you."

 

"Not the fake Spider-Man, Daddy. The real one."

 

I have to spread it. Your Kid(s) are on a roll!

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

When I was in Sunday school, the teacher was handing out sugar cookies. I got a little over-eager, and accidentally dropped mine on the floor. But being a seven year old kid, I picked it up, dusted it off, and was -just- about to take a bite out of it, when the Sunday school teacher took it away from me.

 

Me: Whyd you take my cookie?

 

Teacher: It fell on the floor. it has germs on it now.

 

Me: *exhasperated* Jesus and germs! Jesus and germs! Its all anyone ever talks about and you cant see either one!

 

Teacher: *turns red in the face and abruptly leaves the room*

 

I was convinced that Id made her really angry and was going to be in BIG trouble when she came back. I even hid under a table :(

 

But when she came back, she coaxed me out and gave me a new cookie!

 

I found out from my mom, years later, that she had left the room so quickly and gone red in the face because she didnt want to bust out laughing in front of the class! :D

 

(Apparently they still talk about it at St. Pauls cathedral in Oklahoma City)

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

In one of my classes the other day I heard some of the students talking about Swing Club, an extracurricular organization where students get together and learn swing dancing. I made the comment, "Swing club...so easy, even a caveman can do it," complete with a subtle clubbing motion. Three minutes later I heard an audible groan from one of my students, followed by "Oh, that's awful!"

 

At least someone got the joke. :D

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

I'm walking down the hall at work, and I see a group of our engineers staring up at the ceiling, where one of the ceiling panels has been removed. I stop and look up at it, too.

 

Me: I've seen this before.

Engineers: :confused:

Me: You've got ninjas. Best to clear them out now. If they start to multiply up there, you'll have a whole clan, and then they'll be impossible to get rid of.

Engineers: :confused::nonp::confused:

Me: :D

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

My loveleh bunneh wife and I were talking about the new movie, "The Box"...

 

Me: If that old dude gave me the box, I'd totally push that button. Ka-ching! Million dollars! Push it again, ka-ching! A million more! Ka-ching ka-ching ka-ching!

My wife: You wouldn't even hesitate?

Me: Ka-ching!

My wife: You're evil! :mad:

Me: Why am I evil?

My wife: Because you would push the button!

Me: That doesn't make me evil.

Me: :think:

Me: ...At least, not any more evil than all the other stuff. :eg:

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Me
: I hit a kangaroo the other day..

Co-worker
: Did you tell [the work manager?]

Me
: No. It didn't stop to give me its insurance details, after all

 

Regarding a woman wearing slippers, in a wheelchair

 

Purrdence
: Are those bears on her feet?

Me
: Probably. The endangered Amazonian Footbear. She must be part of the breeding program.

Purrdence
:
:confused:

Me
: They spawn once they chew their way up the knees.

 

One of our friends is already putting up her Christmas decorations

Anita
: It looks like a tinsel bomb went off in my house

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

I would totally press the button. There are far too many people in this world!

 

I havent read the story, and I havent seen the movie, but....

 

 

Ill just bet you that the "catch" is that the next person who gets the box doesnt know YOU, and YOU are the person who dies when they press the button.

 

As a "reward" for being so gorram callous with other peoples' lives.

 

If you DONT press the button (indicating that you have a conscience), then you are NOT the one who dies the next time its pressed....That honor goes to the last person who actually pressed it.

 

 

And if it doesnt work that way, the writers should be rochambeaux'ed

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