Random Television Quotes

[Pariah]

"Blimey bloody bollocks!" 

[Tjack]

“Welcome to the Nancy Tribe.”

[Pariah]

"I'm flattered you think I know what I'm doing!"

[Pariah]

"Yay! And look, new parents who aren't soul-crushing monsters. Group hug!" 

[dmjalund]

Run rebel! But you'll never defeat the forces of Voltarr!

[Pariah]

"How long was she alone?"

 

"Too long."

[Pariah]

"How did you do it?"

 

"I couldn't have done it without all of you. I just followed your instructions. And taught myself quantum science, computer engineering, and so much math."

[Pariah]

"By the Green Fists of Smash!"

[Pariah]

"That would be so cool if it wasn't going to hurt us!"

[Pariah]

"And Jesus fed the gathering with the five loaves and the two fishes, apart from the vegan with the wheat allergy who had to bring his own stuff."

[Tjack]

5 hours ago, Pariah said:

"And Jesus fed the gathering with the five loaves and the two fishes, apart from the vegan with the wheat allergy who had to bring his own stuff."

    This will be a little off topic, but I heard some yahoo going on about this miracle at some length today.

Rather than some mystical ability to produce food doesn’t it make sense that Jesus said something like...

     “We’re going to be talking for a while here today and we have a lot of hungry people here and only five loaves and two fish here.  So we’re going to pass around some baskets and if you’re hungry take just what you need, and if you have some food with you, please put whatever you can spare in the basket for someone else.”  And there was food enough for all with many baskets worth left over.

   Simple kindness.  Everything he was preaching about.  Such a basic concept that it didn’t even make it into the written remarks afterward.  And when you think about the usual course of human nature isn’t that the greater miracle.

***********Sorry folks, we return you now to your topic.*****************

[Pariah]

"Hey, just so you know, 16-year-old me would have been all over you. You could've been the girlfriend in Canada I told everyone I had."

[Cancer]

"Sorry about that, Chief."

[Pariah]

"It's not the greatest country in the world, professor, that's my answer."

 

"You're saying—"

 

"Yes."

 

"Let's talk about—"

 

"Fine. Sharon, the NEA is a loser. Yeah, it accounts for a penny out of our paychecks, but he gets to hit you with it anytime he wants. It doesn't cost money, it costs votes. It costs airtime and column inches. You know why people don't like liberals? Because they lose. If liberals are so f****** smart, how come they lose so G****** ALWAYS!

 

"And with a straight face, you're going to tell students that America's so starspangled awesome that we're the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom. Japan has freedom. The UK, France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Australia, Belgium has freedom. Two hundred seven sovereign states in the world, like 180 of them have freedom.

 

"And you—sorority girl—yeah—just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there are some things you should know, and one of them is that there is absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're seventh in literacy, twenty-seventh in math, twenty-second in science, forty-ninth in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, third in median household income, number four in labor force, and number four in exports. We lead the world in only three categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next twenty-six countries combined, twenty-five of whom are allies. None of this is the fault of a 20-year-old college student, but you, nonetheless, are without a doubt, a member of the WORST-period-GENERATION-period-EVER-period, so when you ask what makes us the greatest country in the world, I don't know what the f*** you're talking about?! Yosemite?

 

"We sure used to be. We stood up for what was right! We fought for moral reasons, we passed laws, struck down laws for moral reasons. We waged wars on poverty, not poor people. We sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors, we put our money where our mouths were, and we never beat our chest. We built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases, and cultivated the world's greatest artists and the world's greatest economy. We reached for the stars, and we acted like men. We aspired to intelligence; we didn't belittle it; it didn't make us feel inferior. We didn't identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election, and we didn't scare so easy. And we were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed. By great men, men who were revered.

 

"The first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one—America is not the greatest country in the world anymore.

 

"Enough?"

[Pariah]

"What do you want?"

 

"To live."

 

"Can't help you there. That's between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute, you are your god. That's a problem."

[Pariah]

"Forgive me, Dr. Jacobs. Are you an M.D.?"

 

"A Ph.D."

 

"A Ph.D."

 

"Yes, sir."

 

"In psychology?"

 

"No, sir."

 

"Theology?"

 

"No."

 

"Social work?"

 

"I have a Ph.D. in English Literature."

 

"I’m asking because on your show people call in for advice – and you go by the name Dr. Jacobs on your show – and I didn’t know if maybe your listeners were confused by that and assumed you had advanced training in psychology, theology or health care."

 

"I don’t believe they are confused, no, sir."

 

"i like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an 'abomination'."

 

"I don’t say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does."

 

"Yes it does. Leviticus."

 

"18:22."

 

"Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I wanted to sell my youngest daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She’s a Georgetown Sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be?

 

"While thinking about that, can I ask another? My chief of staff, Leo McGary, insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? Or is it okay to call the police?

 

"Here’s one that’s really important, because we’ve got a lot of sports fans in this town. Touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point?

 

"Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you?

 

"One last thing. While you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building when the president stands, nobody sits."

[Tjack]

On 4/4/2022 at 9:09 AM, Pariah said:

"It's not the greatest country in the world, professor, that's my answer."

 

"You're saying—"

 

"Yes."

 

"Let's talk about—"

 

"Fine. Sharon, the NEA is a loser. Yeah, it accounts for a penny out of our paychecks, but he gets to hit you with it anytime he wants. It doesn't cost money, it costs votes. It costs airtime and column inches. You know why people don't like liberals? Because they lose. If liberals are so f****** smart, how come they lose so G****** ALWAYS!

 

"And with a straight face, you're going to tell students that America's so starspangled awesome that we're the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom. Japan has freedom. The UK, France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Australia, Belgium has freedom. Two hundred seven sovereign states in the world, like 180 of them have freedom.

 

"And you—sorority girl—yeah—just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there are some things you should know, and one of them is that there is absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're seventh in literacy, twenty-seventh in math, twenty-second in science, forty-ninth in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, third in median household income, number four in labor force, and number four in exports. We lead the world in only three categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next twenty-six countries combined, twenty-five of whom are allies. None of this is the fault of a 20-year-old college student, but you, nonetheless, are without a doubt, a member of the WORST-period-GENERATION-period-EVER-period, so when you ask what makes us the greatest country in the world, I don't know what the f*** you're talking about?! Yosemite?

 

"We sure used to be. We stood up for what was right! We fought for moral reasons, we passed laws, struck down laws for moral reasons. We waged wars on poverty, not poor people. We sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors, we put our money where our mouths were, and we never beat our chest. We built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases, and cultivated the world's greatest artists and the world's greatest economy. We reached for the stars, and we acted like men. We aspired to intelligence; we didn't belittle it; it didn't make us feel inferior. We didn't identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election, and we didn't scare so easy. And we were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed. By great men, men who were revered.

 

"The first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one—America is not the greatest country in the world anymore.

 

"Enough?"

 

2 hours ago, Pariah said:

"Forgive me, Dr. Jacobs. Are you an M.D.?"

 

"A Ph.D."

 

"A Ph.D."

 

"Yes, sir."

 

"In psychology?"

 

"No, sir."

 

"Theology?"

 

"No."

 

"Social work?"

 

"I have a Ph.D. in English Literature."

 

"I’m asking because on your show people call in for advice – and you go by the name Dr. Jacobs on your show – and I didn’t know if maybe your listeners were confused by that and assumed you had advanced training in psychology, theology or health care."

 

"I don’t believe they are confused, no, sir."

 

"i like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an 'abomination'."

 

"I don’t say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does."

 

"Yes it does. Leviticus."

 

"18:22."

 

"Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I wanted to sell my youngest daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She’s a Georgetown Sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be?

 

"While thinking about that, can I ask another? My chief of staff, Leo McGary, insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? Or is it okay to call the police?

 

"Here’s one that’s really important, because we’ve got a lot of sports fans in this town. Touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point?

 

"Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you?

 

"One last thing. While you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building when the president stands, nobody sits."

      If we had a President who truly believed in and spoke the way Aaron Sorkin writes I’d follow him thru the gates of Hell.

[Michael Hopcroft]

"How are you feeling, Darling?"

"Ahm- not all that good, Blackadder. Rather hoped I'd get through the whole show, go back to work at Pratt and Sons, keep wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen, marry Doris. Made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply says: "Bugger".

[Ragitsu]

"Oh, I'm a monster. Perhaps you should speak to me more softly, then. Monsters are dangerous and just now kings are dying like flies."

[Pariah]

"Could you imagine your only two choices in life being Roy and Siberia? One is cold, vast, and depressing, and the other is way the hell in Russia." 

[Pariah]

"I'm curious, do you think that Khonshu chose you as his Avatar because your mind would be so easy to break, or because it was broken already?"

[Pariah]

"YOU FOOL!"

[L. Marcus]

"No! You fool! You foolish fool!"

[Tjack]

....and the father says....The Aristocrats!

 

    The first time most of America heard it was when he did it on the Comedy Central Roast of Hugh Hefner.
        So it counts.    But if you want to be a stickler for the rules.....

       AFLAC!!!!

 

[Pariah]

"Oh, I see. You think you could do better?"

 

"I couldn't do worse."

 

"Okay, I dare you both to come down here and entertain."

 

"We should."

 

"Oh yeah? Do you sing?"

 

"No."

 

"Do you dance?"

 

"No."

 

"Can you get laughs?"

 

"No."

 

"Then what would you do?"

 

"Just what you're doing!"