tkdguy Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 Re: Jokes Today's Definition Propeller: A fan that keeps the pilot cool. Turn it off and wath him sweat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
input.jack Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 Re: Jokes A guy goes into a doctor's surgery and says, "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." The Doc asks, "How's that?" The guy threw his hands up in frustration, "Don't you start!" Um...I dont geddit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 I don't get it, either. This is more of that "Aussie humor" isn't it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austenandrews Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 Re: Jokes It's a cricket joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 11, 2008 Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 Re: Jokes A guy went to the doctor and said, "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." The doctor said, "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" Asks the man. "It's not unusual..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 11, 2008 Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 Re: Jokes Um...I dont geddit This is more of that "Aussie humor" isn't it? It's a cricket joke. Yes. To the last one. And cricket is played by the Aussies, West Indies, England, New Zealand, South Africa, India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Zimbabwe and Bangladesh; so to say that it is strictly Aussie humour is incorrect. "Howzat" is a common expression for "How's that" in making an appeal to the umpire to dismiss a batsman of the opposing team. Wikipedia says a similar concept in baseball is Appeal Play Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted November 11, 2008 Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 Re: Jokes I got the joke first time and I'm British Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted November 11, 2008 Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 Re: Jokes "I wish I had a glass of water." "Why? Are you thirsty?" "No, I want to see if my neck leaks." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyper-Man Posted November 11, 2008 Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 Re: Jokes I got the joke first time and I'm British I'm sorry. Is that contagious? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jtelson Posted November 11, 2008 Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 Re: Jokes I'm sorry. Is that contagious? Hereditary, mostly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 11, 2008 Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 Re: Jokes I got the joke first time and I'm British Well I knew you would get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 11, 2008 Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 Re: Jokes I'm sorry. Is that contagious? Only during Ashes tests. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted November 11, 2008 Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 Re: Jokes Only during Ashes tests. Ashes? Ashes? All fall down? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 11, 2008 Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 Re: Jokes Ashes? Ashes? All fall down? BWAHAHAHAAHA *knowingly evil laugh* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 Re: Jokes What do you call a three legged donkey? A wonky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 Re: Jokes An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked one question. "Is that one word or two?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 14, 2008 Report Share Posted November 14, 2008 Re: Jokes A man got talking to an older woman at a club. He thought she looked pretty good for a 61 year old, and found himself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. After a few drinks she asked if he'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. "What's that?" he asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she replied. "No," he said excitedly. When they finished their drink she told him tonight was his lucky night. They went back to her place. She walked in the door, flicked on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mum, you still awake?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edsel Posted November 14, 2008 Report Share Posted November 14, 2008 Re: Jokes Die Hard Deer Hunter A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near Highway 481 in Maverick Co., TX, early one cold December morning. Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the shrub with a tailgate feeder. Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leupold Scope on his .300 Winchester Magnum at the unsuspecting Buck. As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a Lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down highway 481. The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head, and then closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend." The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for thirty-five years." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 17, 2008 Report Share Posted November 17, 2008 Re: Jokes What did the scientist say when they found bones on the moon? "Oh dear, the cow didn't make it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 19, 2008 Report Share Posted November 19, 2008 Re: Jokes What do you do when a stockbroker arrives at your door? Give him the money for the pizza. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 19, 2008 Report Share Posted November 19, 2008 Re: Jokes Late one night a drunk falls asleep in a cemetary. Just before he drifts off he sees two guys carryin a coffin. Two hours later he wakes up and sees them again, and thinks to himself "They've lost the plot". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted November 25, 2008 Report Share Posted November 25, 2008 Re: Jokes I blame L. Marcus for Kuwait. Oman, you have got to be kidding! I bought something on eBay but it was junk, and got Egypt. So I contact the Dan the seller and said "Kuwait just a minute!" But I got no reply. My friend knew about him, and said "What are you donna do, Sudan?" Iraq my brains trying to think how to get my money back. Iran all over town looking for help, Russian to and fro. But I was like a bull in a China shop, and just made a Turkey of myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted November 25, 2008 Report Share Posted November 25, 2008 Re: Jokes LOUD SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.' 'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.' 'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!' QUIET SEX Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She glanced at him casually and replied, 'You're never home!' SOCIAL SECURITY SEX Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?' 'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.' 'Social Security sex?' 'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!' CONFOUNDED SEX A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small', $6,500 for 'medium', $14,000 for 'large.' The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. The man answered, 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.' WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.' 'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. ELDERLY SEX One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor 'assisted living apartment' ... killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex ... he could fly.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted November 25, 2008 Report Share Posted November 25, 2008 I wonder if it worked? Herbert A. Millington Chair - Search Committee 412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University College Hill, MA 34109 Dear Professor Millington, Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants. Sincerely, Chris L. Jensen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted November 26, 2008 Report Share Posted November 26, 2008 Re: Jokes During a routine check-up, the doctor leaves the room for a few minutes to get some medicines for his patient. The patient looks at his chart and sees somethng that makes his blood boil. When the doctor returns, the patient angrily shows the doctor the offending comment and demands an explanation. "First of all," said the doctor, "you had no business looking into my records. Second, those initials stand for Shortness Of Breath." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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