Narf the Mouse Posted December 26, 2009 Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 Re: Jokes It won't let me rep Pariah - Someone gut...Er, get...Him for me, ok? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted December 29, 2009 Report Share Posted December 29, 2009 Re: Jokes A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need." Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. "Your f**ing brother won't let me in without a tie!!!!" I will happily sell you a tie for $50.00! Lucius Alexander The palindromedary thinks it's a win for the man with the ties. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted December 29, 2009 Report Share Posted December 29, 2009 Re: Jokes I will happily sell you a tie for $50.00! Lucius Alexander The palindromedary thinks it's a win for the man with the ties. Thank you! He'll be here all week! Try the veal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 Re: Jokes I will happily sell you a tie for $50.00! Somebody please rep Lucius, I need to spread more rep around before I can hit him again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 Re: Jokes Somebody please rep Lucius' date=' I need to spread more rep around before I can hit him again.[/quote'] Done. You're welcome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 Re: Jokes What would happen if Zod (from Superman II) became a High School shop class teacher? "Anneal before Zod!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 Re: Jokes The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that..." "...the word is sternum." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted January 2, 2010 Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 Re: Jokes "...the word is sternum." Dammit! That's the word! I'd rep you but I gotta spread some first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted January 8, 2010 Report Share Posted January 8, 2010 Re: Jokes This fellow walks into a Dublin supermarket one day. The shop assistant comes up to him and says 'How can I help you'. The guy says 'I'm looking for a deodorant'. The assistant says to him 'Ball or aerosol ?' The fellow replies quizzically 'No. For under the arms'. Always look on the bright side of life, if you can't see the bright side polish the dull side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 10, 2010 Report Share Posted January 10, 2010 Re: Jokes A couple of noteworthy jokes: Q: How much wood does it take to construct a piano? A: Several cords. Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A-flat minor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted January 11, 2010 Report Share Posted January 11, 2010 Re: Jokes How did the miner avoid the piano falling down the mine shaft? He could C-sharp, and saw it coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted January 11, 2010 Report Share Posted January 11, 2010 Re: Jokes What sort of message did the mafia boss send with the falling piano? B-Flat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 16, 2010 Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 Re: Jokes I saw this on an Engineering professor's door several years ago. I don't know if it's true or not, but it sure made me chuckle. -- The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Obvious Posted January 16, 2010 Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 Re: Jokes I saw this on an Engineering professor's door several years ago. I don't know if it's true or not, but it sure made me chuckle. I've seen that before. One version goes on to say that the space shuttle's boosters were designed to be transported by rail, so those horses' asses even pave the way into space. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow Hawk Posted January 16, 2010 Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 Re: Jokes I've seen that before. One version goes on to say that the space shuttle's boosters were designed to be transported by rail' date=' so those horses' asses even pave the way into space.[/quote'] Not really true, but it makes a good story. http://www.snopes.com/history/american/gauge.asp Design inertia still exists: automobiles are still about two horses wide. So are trucks. So are tanks, since they are designed to be transported by trucks. Since everything (almost) is either transported by truck or train at one point, it's all designed to break up into parts that are less than two horses wide (more or less). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted January 16, 2010 Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 Re: Jokes Snopes puts a lot of effort into it, but their reasoning seems more of a "Well, it didn't really work that way, blah, blah, blah..." They're not convincing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Holck Posted January 16, 2010 Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 Re: Jokes I've seen that before. One version goes on to say that the space shuttle's boosters were designed to be transported by rail' date=' so those horses' asses even pave the way into space.[/quote'] Cobra, (she clone) made a vacuum flower and watered and fed it in sub-geosynchronous orbit Inside the three mile flower is the pod that contains normal earth atmosphere. A root has shoot down that provides a sky hook at 50,000 feet 15,000 m Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 16, 2010 Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 Re: Jokes Cobra, (she clone) made a vacuum flower and watered and fed it in sub-geosynchronous orbit Inside the three mile flower is the pod that contains normal earth atmosphere. A root has shoot down that provides a sky hook at 50,000 feet 15,000 m Umm... what? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted January 16, 2010 Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 Re: Jokes Umm... what? Seconded. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted January 16, 2010 Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 Re: Jokes My advice is to just ignore him (her? them? it?) I don't think it's a "bot," but attempting to interact with it has proven to be about as useful. Lucius Alexander The palindromedary agrees with Narf about Snopes and the Roman chariots. Normally Snopes makes a lot of sense, but not this time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Obvious Posted January 16, 2010 Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 Re: Jokes Cobra, (she clone) made a vacuum flower and watered and fed it in sub-geosynchronous orbit Inside the three mile flower is the pod that contains normal earth atmosphere. A root has shoot down that provides a sky hook at 50,000 feet 15,000 m And the invisible blue trapezoid sleeps furiously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 16, 2010 Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 Re: Jokes And the invisible blue trapezoid sleeps furiously.But wet birds don't fly at night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted January 16, 2010 Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 Re: Jokes And the invisible blue trapezoid sleeps furiously. ones So I've heard, but I gnu a woman lovely in her bare(n)ness intim ID (h)ated where? Lucius Alexander Feed it to the palindromedary! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow Hawk Posted January 16, 2010 Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 Re: Jokes ones So I've heard, but I gnu a woman lovely in her bare(n)ness intim ID (h)ated where? Lucius Alexander Feed it to the palindromedary! The one 'L' Lama, he's a priest. The two 'L' Llama, he's a beast. But I will bet a silk pajama There's no such thing as a three 'L' Lllama. (The author has been made aware of a type of conflagaration known as a three alarmer. To such puns the author says 'pooh'.) Ogden Nash Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted January 18, 2010 Report Share Posted January 18, 2010 Re: Jokes car names meaning: BMW: Brings Me Women. FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology. FORD: For Only Rough Drivers. HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive. ... VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object. PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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