Jokes

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

When To Clean Out the Fridge...

 

EGGS:

When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

 

BREAD:

Sesame seeds and poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy or hairy-looking green or white growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

 

DAIRY PRODUCTS:

Milk is sopiled when it starts to look like yogurt.

Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.

Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.

Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can not generally spoil more than it already has.

Blue cheese is spoiled when you don't remember ever buying blue cheese.

 

FLOUR:

Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

 

CANNED GOODS:

Any canned goods that have become the size and/or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

 

CARROTS:

A carrot in which you can tie a clove hitch is not fresh.

 

RAISINS:

Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

 

POTATOES:

Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

 

CHIP DIP:

If you can take it out of the container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

 

UNMARKED ITEMS:

You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware should not burp when you open it.

[Shadow Hawk]

Re: Jokes

 

Kitchen Tips for Bachelors*:

 

Never, EVER fry chicken in your underwear.

 

I use a pan.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

What smells funny?

 

Clown poo.

[Ian Mackinder]

Re: Jokes

 

Kitchen Tips for Bachelors*:

1. The absorbent pad in the bottom of the meat package is not reusable. Throw it away.
    
    
   
2. Never, EVER fry chicken in your underwear.
    
    
   
3. It doesn't matter how much that cut of meat cost you. If you left it on the counter overnight, throw it away.
    
    
   
4. If you can't identify an object you just removed from the refrigerator or freezer because it's covered in green fuzz, it doesn't matter what it used to be. Pitch it.
    
    
   
5. Never fry anything marinated in fat-free dressing. It welds whatever was marinated in it to the pan.
   

* I learned these things through personal experience. #2 is especially important!

 

Sorry, dude. I must be really slow on the uptake - WHY (in the name of all that is holy) would a chicken be in your underwear?

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

BREAD:

Sesame seeds and poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.

If the seeds have begun to sprout, time to throw it out.

 

RAISINS:

Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

Raisins in the hamster cage are NOT raisins.

 

CHIP DIP:

If you can take it out of the container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

If it does not bounce, it's fine. Go ahead and dip your chips into the puddle on the floor for good healthy eating.

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

I want to know what the chicken was doing in your underwear in the first place.

 

I was unable to extract that bit of information from that chicken or I'd tell you.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

Answer (by Tomás de Torquemada): Give me ten minutes alone with that chicken and I'll find out.

[EvilDrPuma]

Re: Jokes

 

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

Answer (by Salvador Dali): Was the chicken carrying a melted clock by any chance?

[matrix3]

Re: Jokes

 

I want to know what the chicken was doing in your underwear in the first place.

Better than hunting elephants in his underwear..

[Balabanto]

Re: Jokes

 

A man goes to his doctor and says "Doctor, I'd like to live longer, how can I accomplish this?"

 

"You diet and exercise?"

 

The man says "Yes. But is there anything else I can do?"

 

The doctor says "Well, you could marry an orthodox jewish girl and live close to her family?"

 

"Will I live longer?"

 

The doctor says "No, you'll live the same amount of time. But it will seem like an eternity."

[Lucius]

Re: Jokes

 

If you get an email purporting to be from WHO, CDC, or the local Board of Health, warning you that due to concerns about swine flu you should avoid eating canned pork products, ignore it.

 

It's just spam.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary thinks it's a treet.

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

21 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

 

1. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

2. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word.

3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

4. Ahh, I see the screw up fairy has visited again.

5. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

6. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

7. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

8. Someday well look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

9. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

10. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

11. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

12. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

13. What am I? Flypaper for geeks?

14. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

15. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. It's a thankless job, but I've got Karma to burn off.

18. No, my powers can be used only for good.

19. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Spoilered as it contained f-words, the odd s-word and language is mature. Still incredibly funny.

 

 

My job is so f***ing unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

 

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

 

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

 

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the f***ing stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big f***ing dog to work. Every f***ing day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Sometimes, it's so f***ed up that it makes these weird noises like it's trying to talk. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single f***ing day.

 

Anyway, I drive these ftards around in my van and we solve mysteries and s***.

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Spoilered for mature themes.

 

 

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

 

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

 

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

 

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

 

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

 

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

 

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all

eternity?' persisted Satan.

 

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

 

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

 

'Nope,' said the old man.

 

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

 

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Been wanting to post this for a couple of weeks, but not sure where. Not a joke but funny nonetheless. Spoilered as some maybe inappropriate, some are self-correcting on the swear words, spoilered to be on the safe side.

 

 

 

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

 

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

 

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to

ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

 

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

 

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

 

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

 

Do you remember when you were a kid; playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in the world did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or faq's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

 

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

 

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

 

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

 

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

 

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

 

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say"

 

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

 

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

 

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

 

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a d1ck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

 

Everytime I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

 

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

 

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

 

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

 

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

 

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

 

Bad decisions make good stories.

 

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted.

546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

 

Is it just me or do high school girls get s1uttier & s1uttier every year?

 

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

 

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

 

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

 

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

 

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

 

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this.It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

 

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

 

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

 

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my itunes.

 

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

 

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

 

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

 

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.

There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@stard before dinner.

 

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

 

I wonder if cops ever get p1ssed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

 

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

 

 

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

21 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

 

1. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

2. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word.

3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

4. Ahh, I see the screw up fairy has visited again.

5. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

6. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

7. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

8. Someday well look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

9. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

10. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

11. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

12. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

13. What am I? Flypaper for geeks?

14. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

15. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. It's a thankless job, but I've got Karma to burn off.

18. No, my powers can be used only for good.

19. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

 

So many T-shirts, so little time and money.

 

Spoilered for mature themes.

 

 

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

 

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

 

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

 

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

 

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

 

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

 

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all

eternity?' persisted Satan.

 

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

 

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

 

'Nope,' said the old man.

 

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

 

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

 

He has more than one sister (or are they daughters?) I was married to one and dated the other. They're wonderful at the start, but after a while they drop the fasçade.

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

 

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

 

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

 

 

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

 

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

The AMA on the "the Health Care Plan"

 

 

 

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new "Health Care Plan".

 

The Allergists voted to scratch it,

the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

 

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,

the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

 

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

 

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, Oh, Grow up!'

 

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

 

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

 

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

 

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

 

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

 

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arse holes in Washington.

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

A man driving around the backwoods of Montana sees a sign in front of a broken down house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him that the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

 

'You talk?' he asks.

 

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks 'So, what's your story?'

 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help my country, so I contacted the CIA. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

 

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible drug deals and was awarded a batch of medals.'

 

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

 

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s***.'

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said "I don't like the looks of your wife at all"

 

"Me neigher Doc" said the husband.

 

"But she's a great cook.. and really good with the kids"

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

 

Three - a left ear, a right ear and a wild front ear (frontier).

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A man and a giraffe walk into a pub and have a few drinks.

 

They both go to leave, but the giraffe falls down to the floor and passes out.

 

The surprised barman yells out to the man, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!"

 

The man replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

So a neutron walks into a diner and asks the waitress, "How much for a slice of cherry pie?"

 

The waitress replies, "For you, no charge."

 

(I told that one in class today, and they groaned. I said, "Hey, if it helps you remember it on a test, you'll thank me.")

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Later, the waitress sees the neutron on the floor, looking around.

 

She asks, "What's wrong?"

 

He replies, "I lost an electron."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"I'm positive!"

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

That's bad, Pariah will love it.