Jokes

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

...

 

Why did Dr. Manhattan cross the road?

 

It is May 18, 1979. I am crossing a road.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(courtesy Danny Sichel via MGK)

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

 

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there,' as he points out the location.

 

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer.

 

'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land.

 

No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

 

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

 

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.

 

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety.

 

The officer is clearly terrified.

 

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

 

'Your badge! Show him your badge!"

-----------

thought for the day: Laughter is to life what shock absorbers are to automobiles. It won't take the potholes out of the road, but it sure makes the ride smoother.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

 

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”

 

She answers, ‘My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

 

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun go down on me.”

 

She thinks a bit and then responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1 you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.”

 

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!”

 

The nun says, “OK, pull into the next alley.”

 

 

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

 

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

 

“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

 

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

 

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

 

“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

 

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

 

Funny that...

 

Kevin didn't detect that the cabby was Jewish while granting his fantasy.

 

 

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

Funny that...

 

Kevin didn't detect that the cabby was Jewish while granting his fantasy.

 

 

 

 

I don't think he actually cared.

 

[Shadow Hawk]

Re: Jokes

 

Funny that...

 

Kevin didn't detect that the cabby was Jewish while granting his fantasy.

 

 

 

While all Jews are, so are a lot of non-Jews. Like me.

[Ian Mackinder]

Re: Jokes

 

While all Jews are' date=' so are a lot of non-Jews. Like me.[/quote']

 

Presumably, SteveZilla isn't.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Correct. And I thought that among non-Jews it was an extreme rarity now (but a little more prevalent in the past as a "fad" that medicine went though ).

[Shadow Hawk]

Re: Jokes

 

Correct. And I thought that among non-Jews it was an extreme rarity now (but a little more prevalent in the past as a "fad" that medicine went though ).

 

The fad isn't over. I had to fight tooth and nail to avoid my son being circumsized. At one point I chased a nurse down the corridor to ask where she was taking my son, then telling her repeatedly NO, I DON'T WANT HIM CIRCUMCISED, THANK YOU. That was 10 (almost eleven!) years ago. My Daughter had a similar problem 2 years ago with my grandson.

 

Maybe it's a military hospital thing.

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

The fad isn't over. I had to fight tooth and nail to avoid my son being circumsized. At one point I chased a nurse down the corridor to ask where she was taking my son, then telling her repeatedly NO, I DON'T WANT HIM CIRCUMCISED, THANK YOU. That was 10 (almost eleven!) years ago. My Daughter had a similar problem 2 years ago with my grandson.

 

Maybe it's a military hospital thing.

 

I went through the same thing with my son, then my wife and my son's doctor did an end-run around my opposition by claiming "hypospadia". When they "corrected" the hypospadia, they completely removed my son's foreskin. I saw no evidence that anything had been done other than removing the foreskin.

[mwiggins]

Re: Jokes

 

The fad isn't over. I had to fight tooth and nail to avoid my son being circumsized. At one point I chased a nurse down the corridor to ask where she was taking my son, then telling her repeatedly NO, I DON'T WANT HIM CIRCUMCISED, THANK YOU. That was 10 (almost eleven!) years ago. My Daughter had a similar problem 2 years ago with my grandson.

 

Maybe it's a military hospital thing.

They've done a study that proved that a circumcised man is less likely to get AIDS.

http://www.who.int/hiv/topics/malecircumcision/en/index.html

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

 

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

 

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

 

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

 

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

 

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

 

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

 

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

 

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

 

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

 

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

 

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

 

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

 

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

 

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

 

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

 

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

 

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

 

WIFE: - silence -

 

HUSBAND: Bugger

[Old Man]

Re: Jokes

 

They've done a study that proved that a circumcised man is less likely to get AIDS.

http://www.who.int/hiv/topics/malecircumcision/en/index.html

 

That's pretty much the only reason I went ahead with it for my kids. It's not like the procedure has a 0% complication rate.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

A blonde got tired of everyone treating her like she was dumb, so she decided to dye her hair brown. She went out and about in the world to prove that she was smart. She came upon a sheep farmer and thought it would make the perfect opportunity to show off her brains. The now-brunette blonde asked the farmer if she could have one of his sheep if she could correctly guess how many sheep there were. The farmer looked at his sheep that were jumping and running about and thought to himself “that would be impossible” so he allowed her to guess. After a few minutes, the woman correctly guessed the number at 129. The farmer was amazed so he let her pick one of the sheep. The woman walked into the middle of the heard, picked up a fuzzy little critter and walked back to the farmer. The farmer smiled at her and said “If I can correctly guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?”

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A police officer pulls a mature, older woman over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Older Woman: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Older Woman: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Older Woman: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Older Woman: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Older Woman: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Older Woman: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Older Woman: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Older Woman: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Older Woman: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!

Moral - Don't mess with mature ladies.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

 

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

 

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"remarked his friend.

 

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

-----

Thought for the day: Destiny decides who you meet in your life, but it's our heart that decides who stays in our life.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A man owned a small farm in Australia.

 

The tax office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an representative out to interview him.

 

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the rep.

 

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

 

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

 

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

 

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

 

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

 

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

 

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"remarked his friend.

 

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

 

I was expecting the wife to say that she wanted a divorce because "he's not the same man that I married."

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

 

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

 

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, 'You know, I think my girl was dead!'

 

'Dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'

 

'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.'

 

His friend says, 'could be worse I think mine was a witch.'

 

'A witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'

 

'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... Took my teeth with her!'

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

 

These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous not scripted. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

 

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

 

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

 

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

 

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

 

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

 

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[Enforcer84]

Re: Jokes

 

Dave those Hollywood Squares quotes were awesome!

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

My wife and I went to the Royal Welsh Show in Builth Wells and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

 

THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR

 

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

 

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

 

THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR

 

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

 

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

 

THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

 

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

 

 

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

 

 

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, brain functions are normal and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

 

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b****es would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

 

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

 

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

 

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

 

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need."

 

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

 

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

 

 

"Your f**ing brother won't let me in without a tie!!!!"

 

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Joe was a long haul truck driver who found himself on the road one Christmas morning, far away from his home and family. He pulled into a familiar truck stop and was greeted by Mavis, a waitress who'd known Joe for more than ten years.

 

Mavis smiled brightly as he took his customary seat at the counter. "Merry Christmas, Joe," she said. "The usual?"

 

"Merry Christmas, Mavis," he answered. "No, I think I'll try something different this morning, being Christmas and all. Let me see a menu." Joe hadn't ordered anything but pancakes and coffee in years.

 

After looking at the menu for a bit, Joe decided to he was going to try the Eggs Benedict. A few minutes later Mavis brought him his holiday breakfast with toasted English muffins, Canadian bacon, and poached eggs, covered in hollandaise sauce, and with a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice on the side. It smelled delicious, but Joe was surprised by the big, shiny chrome plate that it came on. He asked Mavis, "What's with the fancy plate?"

 

"It's tradition," she answered. "Don't you know, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise?"