Pariah Posted February 9, 2021 Report Share Posted February 9, 2021 1 hour ago, archer said: How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire? Just one, unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up. 1 hour ago, archer said: The CDC is announcing the Kansas City Vaccine. After you take it, you won’t catch anything. Harsh, but fair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 9, 2021 Report Share Posted February 9, 2021 Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? A:You pull the pin and throw it back! Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run, she's got a grenade in her teeth! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted February 9, 2021 Report Share Posted February 9, 2021 2 hours ago, Bazza said: Cricket test matches can go 5 days before there is a result, and if no result, it is called a draw. There’s a joke in there somewhere about that fact and the static combat strategy of WW1 vs. rugby and the aggressive strategies of WW2. But we may need to send Mel Brooks to West Point to work it all out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 9, 2021 Report Share Posted February 9, 2021 Sure, I experimented with sex and drugs in college. I was in the control group. mattingly and tkdguy 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 9, 2021 Report Share Posted February 9, 2021 John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent. On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert him to be Catholic. They went over and talked with him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to church and the priest sprinkled some water over him and told him "Your were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist and now you are a Catholic". The men of the neighborhood were SO relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved. The next year's Lent rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighborhood was setting down to their fish dinners came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on??? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was a Friday in Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak on the grill and saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish." wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 9, 2021 Report Share Posted February 9, 2021 I failed my Greek Mythology exam. That subject has always been my Achilles' elbow. Pariah and slikmar 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 Each branch of the military has an annual ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.) And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school. So I asked her how she knew it was going to school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 Why couldn't the hobbits fly the Eagles to Mordor? Because they were on tour and only got back at the end. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 COVID has really helped my dating life. There's just so many more women now who have no taste. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 A teacher asks the class, "Jack has 40 chocolate bars and he eats 35 of them. What does Jack have now?" Little Johnny raises his hand and answers, "Diabetes!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 A cop pulls over a car... Walking to the car, he can clearly smell weed. So, hoping for an easy bust, he asks the driver "How high are you?" The driver thinks for a moment and replies "No officer. It's pronounced 'Hi, how are you?'" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 What OS does a Jedi's computer use? The Degobah System. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 After I won the game, I threw the ball into the crowd... but apparently that's frowned upon when bowling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 My wife thinks I’m obsessed with golf. It came to a head in an argument at about 11.30 last night, when she yelled: “Golf! Golf! Golf! That’s all you ever think about!” Scared the crap out of me: you don’t expect to meet anyone on the 14th green at that time of night. aylwin13 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 An engineer is having is lunch. It is a beautiful day so he takes his brown bag lunch outside to the fountain beside the office. He sits on the edge and is about to tuck into his sandwich when a frog hops out of the fountain and says to him "Hello! Thank goodness you're here. I am a beautiful princess who has been cursed by a witch. Only a kiss will turn me back to my human form. Please kiss me and let me return to my people!" The engineer blinks, smiles, picks up the frog and tucks it into his shirt front pocket. Having finished lunch he begins a walk around the campus in the sunshine. The frog furrows its brow. "Um... maybe you didn't hear me. I am a princess! Please, kiss me and make me human again. I am sure my people will pay handsomely for my return!" The engineer pats the frog on top of its head and begins to whistle. The frog panics. "Please, I beg you, I cannot be a frog any longer. Kiss me and I will marry you. You will be royalty and will want for nothing the rest of your days." "Look froggie" The engineer finally says.... "I'm an engineer. I wouldn't know what to do with a wife... but a talking frog? now that's really cool" Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 "Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline. If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly. If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now. If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7. If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7. If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7. If you are Fatalistic-Suicidal, it doesn't matter what button you press. Nothing will happen anyway. If you are Paranoid-Schizophrenic, you may hang up now. We know who you are. And where you live." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 A drunk in a bar is unloading on the bartender. "For 20 long and wonderful years," mused the gent at the bar, "my wife and I were deliriously happy." "Then what happened?" asked the bartender. "We met." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 "Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "Door mom" "Door mom who?" "Dormammu, I've come to bargain." mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 If you get an email starting with Knock Knock don’t open it. It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 Why was the 18 year old caveman so troubled? midlife crisis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 My life used to center on math, additions and subtractions, until I found a quote that expanded my worldview: "The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 20 years of his life." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 4 hours ago, archer said: Why couldn't the hobbits fly the Eagles to Mordor? Because they were on tour and only got back at the end. Do you really want Joe Walsh in charge of flying you anywhere? His brain is like the one IN the frying pan in the drug commercial. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 Before my operation, the anesthesiologists asked if I wanted to be knocked out via gas or boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 10, 2021 Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." He responds, "Well then give me the one my wife made!" mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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