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A guy is driving down the I-95 highway at night, listening to his radio when an emergency broadcast comes on.

 

"A warning to drivers on I-95, there is a car traveling down the highway in the wrong direction."

 

The guy snarls "Well it isn't just one car, it's dozens of them!"

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A man in Phoenix called his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and said, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is e

1 hour ago, Ockham's Spoon said:

A guy is driving down the I-95 highway at night, listening to his radio when an emergency broadcast comes on.

 

"A warning to drivers on I-95, there is a car traveling down the highway in the wrong direction."

 

The guy snarls "Well it isn't just one car, it's dozens of them!"

Reminds me of Planes, Trains and Automobiles : 

They say we're going the wrong way.

Ahh, their drunk, how would they know which way we are going.

Yeeaaahhh. <shouts over> Thank you!!!

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Jesus and Satan decided to settle their dispute by doing a typing contest.

 

Satan had a last generation computer, three monitors, two keyboards, he was a beast dishing out words, typing whole paragraphs in seconds, everyone was astonished by his typing skills.

 

Jesus had a Pentium IV, barely finding the letters and slowly typing with only his index fingers. Everyone was sure about the outcome and feared for the fate of humanity.

 

The bigger text after one hour would take the prize. At the 59 minute mark Satan had typed 3000 pages of text while Jesus was barely finishing his second, when suddenly the lights went out and both computers reset.

 

When it all came back, Satan had lost all his work and Jesus, with his one and a half pages was the winner of the clash.

 

Moral of the story: Only Jesus saves.

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Joke Noir:

 

I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a desk.

Then I saw her through the window. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall because I was on the third floor.

She rolled her deep blue eyes at me. I picked them up and rolled them back.

We kissed. She screamed. I took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.

There was a tap at the door. I thought “funny place to put a tap” so I turned it, and to my surprise, the door opened.

There stood a redhead. Nothing more, just a red head. Then up the stairs strode a brunette, she took my hand. I asked for it back.

She told me of a friend who was dying, so I decided to go and see him. We took the lift to the ground floor. It was rather heavy, but we got there eventually.

I said to the porter, “Call me a taxi.” So he said “Sir, you’re a taxi.” The taxi pulled up with a jerk. The jerk got out and we got in.

We arrived at the dying man’s house, where I discovered he had swallowed a chicken bone. I said “does it hurt?” and he said “only when I laugh.” So I told him a joke and he died laughing.

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It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

 

Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.

 

He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.

 

Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

 

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

 

Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"

 

"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."

 

Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.

 

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

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"So, what do you do?"  

 

"I'm a supervillain."

 

"I'd never have guessed from the costume. What's your name?"

 

"I'm The Auto-Corrector!"

 

"Really? HAHAHA! Are you Sirius? What's your super powder? Wait a minion... what the help is happy ninja to me? PLEATS MAKE IT DUCKING STOP!"

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The teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made.

 

She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. “Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked.

 

Cindy put her hand up and said “Moooo!”

 

“Very good” replied the teacher, ”What sound does sheep make?”

 

“Baaaa” answered Jimmy.

 

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, “What sound does a pig make?” All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class.

 

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, “Freeze! This is the police!"

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A cop pulls over a car for reckless driving. He taps on the glass and leans in as it's rolled down.

"Sir, do you realize how much your car was swerving between lanes?"

"Officer, I've had five shots of vodka, 3 gin and tonics, and 4 drinks I don't remember the name of."

The cop thinks for a moment, "Sir, even given that, I don't think it was a good idea to let your wife drive."

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A woman was working at a lingerie counter when a customer approached with a pair of frilly panties.

 

"I'd like to buy these," she said, "but only if you can embroider 'If you can read this, you're too close' on the back."

 

So the saleswoman took the panties to the tailor in the backroom and described the rather unusual request. The tailor said, "I can do that. Does she want block letters or script?"

 

Since the saleswoman didn't know, she went back around to the counter, and asked, "Do you want that in block letters or script?"

 

The customer replied with a smile, "Braille."

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Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A Very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand Dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t Mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice And yelled, “Mama needs new clothes!” Then she Hollered…”YES! YES! I WON! I WON!” She jumped up and Down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all The money and her clothes and quickly departed.

 

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

 

Finally, One of them asked, “What did she roll?”

 

The other answered, “I don’t know, I thought YOU were watching!

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God says to the angel Gabriel: "I'm going to create a land called Canada."

 

"And Canada will be one of the largest and wealthiest in the world, stretching from the Arctic circle to the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, with breathtaking natural beauty and vast natural resources.

 

And Canada will have a rich cultural heritage, and its people will be renowned all over the world for their kindness and politeness."

 

The angel Gabriel says to God: "Wow, this Canada sounds amazing! Aren't you worried that this land will be so great that it will make the other countries jealous?"

 

God chuckled and said "Nah, wait until you hear the accent I'm going to give them!"

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3 minutes ago, Logan.1179 said:

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

 

Me: Can we change the subject?

 

My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.

 

This is a perfect example of what linguists refer to as the passive-aggressive voice.

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