archer Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 I learned today that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands. Same thing with the Virgin Islands... ...no canaries there either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 A group of squirrels began to invade several churches. The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since. Tjack and tkdguy 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 (From a school in Pakistan) Teacher: "Students today is a surprise field trip, we're going to Bangladesh." Ladesh, standing up nervously, says: "I guess that's okay." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 What's a huge red flag, but also a big plus, so overall it's neutral? The Swiss flag Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 How did pharaohs get the money for their fancy tombs? Mostly through pyramid schemes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 My wife asked me if I was having sex behind her back. I replied, "I hope it's me. I don't see anyone else back here." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 I tried Bobsleighing this week for the first time. Don't think I am very good at it, I only managed to kill two Bobs and one Robert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 Scientists have discovered the particle which turn people into furries. They are calling it Furomones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 Back in the 20s when most kitchens didn't have refrigerators but ice boxes instead, a man is driving a horse drawn wagon selling blocks of ice around town. Rolling thru the streets he'd call out "Ice! Ice for sale! Ice!" A lady on the 5th floor of one building he's passing yells down, "I'll take some ice. Bring me a $.10 block of ice." So the iceman cuts off a $.12 block. It's a hot day, no elevator in the building by the time he makes it to her apartment, it'll be $.10. While he's gone he leaves his cart & horse parked up along side the street curb and just as a stranger comes walking down the sidewalk & is beside the horse, the horse turns his head and says, "What a life!". The man looks around and sees not another soul anywhere close to him except the horse. So the man looks at the horse and says, "Did you just say something to me?" The horse turns his head and replies, "Oh yes I did & I'll tell you why. Every day Monday thru Fri my owner has me pull this ice wagon all over town 6am till dark. Then on Saturday's he sells rides to the kids. And on Sundays he hitches me up to a carriage and it's sun up to sun down carrying people all around the park. So I've got a dang good reason to complain about my life." Flabbergasted the man askes the horse, "But, but, but does he realize you can TALK????" "No, and don't you tell him either! He'll make me yell, 'Ice'! " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 11 hours ago, archer said: World's Oldest Orangutan Dies https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/worlds-oldest-orangutan-inji-dies-23294748 (This is a do-it-yourself joke kit.) GRANDADDY!!!!! (Look at my pic.) 10 hours ago, archer said: (From a school in Pakistan) Teacher: "Students today is a surprise field trip, we're going to Bangladesh." Ladesh, standing up nervously, says: "I guess that's okay." Was it an all boys school? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 7 hours ago, archer said: My wife asked me if I was having sex behind her back. I replied, "I hope it's me. I don't see anyone else back here." If you’re there and she can’t tell...you may have other problems. SHE: “Are you in?” HE: “In hell, I’m done!” Redd Foxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician. BoloOfEarth 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 15 minutes ago, Logan.1179 said: People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician. And I'll bet they're blown away to learn you're no good with explosives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 16 minutes ago, Logan.1179 said: People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician. You're such a poor electrician, I'll bet you have to strip to make ends meet. Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted January 13, 2021 Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 There's a plot arc in there, quire possibly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning. Long story short, I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the f-ing pool!” slikmar and mattingly 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day, Teach a man to fish and he'll develop an addiction to buying fishing supplies he'll use once or twice a year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 A young man was threatened with losing his job for asking customers if they wanted “smoking or nonsmoking.” His boss kept trying to tell him the correct terminology in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 How do you tell the difference between a nerd and a masochist? Find out who their dungeon master is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 I'm not really a fan of steampunk. But I will say, it's one of the healthiest ways to prepare punk. Tjack 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 Henry was doing math homework, saying to himself... "2+5, the son of a bitch is 7" "3+6, the son of a bitch is 9" His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?" "Oh Mom. Don't worry. I am just doing my math homework." Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?" "Yes, mom." Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher: "Are you teaching math to children by saying... "2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?" There was silence for a moment then the teacher started laughing : "What I taught them was... "2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4." Hugh Neilson and tkdguy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 14, 2021 Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 A man and his wife were sleeping in their bedroom. The woman shouts in her sleep, "Run my husband is home!" The man automatically wakes up and jumps out the window. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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