Cancer 6,928 Posted January 20 Report Share Posted January 20 15 minutes ago, archer said: I have a rival, but I can only fight him when we meet up under curved architectural structures. He's my arch enemy. I thought you used that term for the guy who smashed your feet. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dmjalund 1,239 Posted January 21 Report Share Posted January 21 9 hours ago, Cancer said: I thought you used that term for the guy who smashed your feet. Not the sole definition Pariah and Cancer 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
L. Marcus 2,430 Posted January 21 Report Share Posted January 21 That's not instep with current thought. BoloOfEarth 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BoloOfEarth 3,191 Posted January 21 Report Share Posted January 21 36 minutes ago, L. Marcus said: That's not instep with current thought. Watch it, or we'll have to give you the boot. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
archer 1,929 Posted January 22 Report Share Posted January 22 Laws of physics vs the law Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm were driving down a highway when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop asks Heisenberg if he knew how fast he was going, as you can surmise, he claimed he didn't know because he knew exactly where they were. The cop, finding this suspicious asks them to open the trunk. He comes back to the front and asks them why they have a dead cat in the trunk and Schrodinger responds, "because you opened the trunk you fool!!". The cop, now visibly irritated promptly moves to arrest all three. Ohm, resisted. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
archer 1,929 Posted January 22 Report Share Posted January 22 You find a magic lamp, and a genie comes out of it. Genie: Hello, I am a genie. I will grant you 1 wish, what is your wish? You: I wish I didn’t exist Genie: Your wsh has been granted. You: Nothng happened? Gene: Take a moment to consder what you sad there. Wll be on my way now, bye. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
archer 1,929 Posted January 22 Report Share Posted January 22 A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker walk into a restaurant in France. The hostess says “Excuse me, due to a Mad Cow Disease there is a shortage of steak so we currently don’t have any.” The Texan says “What’s a shortage?” The Russian says “What’s a steak?" The New Yorker says “What’s 'excuse me'?” mattingly 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
archer 1,929 Posted January 22 Report Share Posted January 22 A young man is having a hard time selling his goods on the street... "Coats for $50, watches for $25" he shouts whenever someone walks by, but even the few people who stop don't purchase. Eventually an old Neapolitan man approaches and tells him he's doing it all wrong. "Step back and watch how we do it in Napoli." The young man stands aside and watches as the old man moves around the watches and coats. " Coats for $250, watches for $500" the old man shouts to gather a crowd. "Here, try on this coat and tell me it isn't the warmest coat you've ever worn" the old man says forcing the nearest customer into a coat. The customer humors the old man, then asks "what do these cost again?" "I'll give you the coat fot $200, but $500 is lowest I can go on the watches." "Ok I'll take the coat." After watching him sell 5 coats this way, the young man pulls the old Neapolitan aside, flabbergasted. "I never would have thought I could charge so much more for these crappy coats, just by forcing them on the customers... So how do I sell the watches?" The old Neapolitan shakes his head and tells him "you don't sell the watches. You put a watch in the pocket of each coat, then jack up the price. This way you end up robbing everyone who thinks they're stealing from you." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
archer 1,929 Posted January 22 Report Share Posted January 22 WWII era joke: "When a silver aeroplane flies over, it's American. When there's a green 'plane, it's British. When there are no aircraft, that's the Luftwaffe." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
archer 1,929 Posted January 22 Report Share Posted January 22 What do Alexander The Great and Winnie The Pooh have in common? Same middle name. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
archer 1,929 Posted January 22 Report Share Posted January 22 When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
archer 1,929 Posted January 22 Report Share Posted January 22 My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill. So I sent him a "get well soon" card. mattingly and slikmar 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
archer 1,929 Posted January 22 Report Share Posted January 22 I absolutely love and admire the unintelligent, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years... Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant? Pariah 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
archer 1,929 Posted January 22 Report Share Posted January 22 The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?" I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch. He's been chasing me for 45 minutes. slikmar and Ockham's Spoon 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Logan.1179 6,258 Posted January 25 Report Share Posted January 25 Finally, my winter fat has gone. Now, I have spring rolls. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cancer 6,928 Posted January 25 Report Share Posted January 25 On 1/21/2021 at 6:24 PM, archer said: A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker walk into a restaurant in France. The hostess says “Excuse me, due to a Mad Cow Disease there is a shortage of steak so we currently don’t have any.” The Texan says “What’s a shortage?” The Russian says “What’s a steak?" The New Yorker says “What’s 'excuse me'?” There was a version of this I heard about 40 years ago (so this is c. 1980): Four people, an American, an Israeli, a Pole, and a Russian are seated on a park bench when a newsman comes to the group and says, "I'm conducting a public opinion survey about shortages of meat in your country." The Russian asks, "What's public opinion?" The American asks, "What's a shortage?" The Pole asks, "What's meat?" The Israeli asks, "What's 'excuse me'?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pariah 8,083 Posted January 29 Report Share Posted January 29 A local dentist was recently named the region's Medical Professional Of The Year. All he got was a little plaque. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pariah 8,083 Posted January 29 Report Share Posted January 29 "Quasimodo, What makes you think you need to go to a chiropractor?" "Oh, I have a hunch." Logan.1179 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Logan.1179 6,258 Posted January 31 Report Share Posted January 31 Science puns make me numb, but math puns make me number. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Christougher 223 Posted February 1 Report Share Posted February 1 Two eastern Europeans vacation in the United States. They look scruffy and rough around the edges, so the bellhop warily asks what he can do for them. "Me and the Russian would like two rooms please." The bellhop snidely replies, "It's not 'me an the Russian', use proper grammar." The customer winces and says, "But every time I say Fukov and I, people attack me." mattingly 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Christougher 223 Posted February 2 Report Share Posted February 2 Inspired by a post in Funny Pics: Do you believe in the Bible? Believe in it? Hell, man, I've SEEN one! Cancer, Ockham's Spoon and slikmar 2 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pariah 8,083 Posted February 2 Report Share Posted February 2 A: How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb? Spoiler Q: None. Although they make a lot of noise, ultimately conspiracy theorists don't change anything. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pariah 8,083 Posted February 2 Report Share Posted February 2 I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you...." Logan.1179 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bazza 4,730 Posted February 2 Report Share Posted February 2 4 hours ago, Pariah said: A: How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb? Reveal hidden contents Q: None. Although they make a lot of noise, ultimately conspiracy theorists don't change anything. “There are two types of people in this world. People who think the government is looking out for their best interest, and people who think. “ ~ Nathan Fraser Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cancer 6,928 Posted February 2 Report Share Posted February 2 The jokes about tinfoil hats are out there to keep the population under control, because tinfoil hats actually are quite effective against governments' mind control radiation programs. EDIT: See? These guys are part of the conspiracy. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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