Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 8, 2022 Report Share Posted June 8, 2022 You can't spell Necromancer without Romance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 8, 2022 Report Share Posted June 8, 2022 WHY are books so afraid of sequels? Because they always come after them! HOW many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh? Ten tickles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 9, 2022 Report Share Posted June 9, 2022 "I fired the custodians for smoking pot." "Why did you do that?" "Because I can't tolerate high maintenance people." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 9, 2022 Report Share Posted June 9, 2022 Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast. DID you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu – you get what you deserve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 9, 2022 Report Share Posted June 9, 2022 I have a joke about trickle down economics, but 99% of you will never get it. -- A friend of mine just got an ultimatum from his girlfriend. She said if he doesn't marry her by the end of the summer, she's going to kill him. I guess it's a matter of wife and death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 9, 2022 Report Share Posted June 9, 2022 It is also a life sentence, a wife sentence, and a death sentence. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 10, 2022 Report Share Posted June 10, 2022 I invented a new word! Plagiarism! wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted June 10, 2022 Report Share Posted June 10, 2022 Pro tip: If you really need a nap but your kids are home and making too much noise, tell them "Wake me up in 30 minutes so we can clean the house." They will literally do anything to keep from waking you. slikmar, Pariah and Logan D. Hurricanes 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 11, 2022 Report Share Posted June 11, 2022 BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you've kept everything up to code, but I've been speaking with your 4-year-old, and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which-I don't need to tell you-is a pretty serious safety violation. Christougher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 12, 2022 Report Share Posted June 12, 2022 I spent last night at a mathematician's bachelor party. We went to a Möbius strip club. Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 12, 2022 Report Share Posted June 12, 2022 I told my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with. She said, "must be nice." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted June 12, 2022 Report Share Posted June 12, 2022 Me (entering shop): “Look at all the wonderful things in here!” Creepy shopkeeper: “Yes, but be warned, they come with a price…” Me: “Yeah, I know how shopping works.” Creepy shopkeeper: “You don’t understand. The price is more than what you see!” Me: “Yes, I am well aware of sales tax.” Creepy shopkeeper (now exasperated): “Listen to me! I am evil! I sell despair and enslavement!” Me (also exasperated): “Yes, we are trapped in a capitalist plutocracy, I get it already!” Pariah and wcw43921 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 13, 2022 Report Share Posted June 13, 2022 WHERE are average things manufactured? The satisfactory. WHAT kind of exercise does a lazy person do? Diddly-squats. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 13, 2022 Report Share Posted June 13, 2022 WHY don't calculus majors throw major parties? Because you should never drink and derive. WHAT does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 13, 2022 Report Share Posted June 13, 2022 PEOPLE think being a waiter isn’t a respectable job. But hey, it puts food on the table. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 13, 2022 Report Share Posted June 13, 2022 Miles is a blind man. He has a seeing-eye dog. His seeing-eye dog can speak. What does the dog say? Spoiler "I can see for Miles." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 13, 2022 Report Share Posted June 13, 2022 Who? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 14, 2022 Report Share Posted June 14, 2022 My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters. My daughter Chewbacca not so much. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted June 14, 2022 Report Share Posted June 14, 2022 Hey, it's better than Jabba, girl. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 14, 2022 Report Share Posted June 14, 2022 Why don't blind people go skydiving? Spoiler It scares the **** out of the dogs. Logan D. Hurricanes and tkdguy 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 14, 2022 Report Share Posted June 14, 2022 HOW much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house. I JUST received my first job offer in the condiment industry. I relish the opportunity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christougher Posted June 14, 2022 Report Share Posted June 14, 2022 14 hours ago, Cancer said: Hey, it's better than Jabba, girl. Speaking of, Disney has apparently renamed *that* outfit of Leia's, the HuttSlayer outfit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 14, 2022 Report Share Posted June 14, 2022 A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry all his purchases home. While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home after following her advice. On the way, he said, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, and have your way with me?" Shocked, the farmer responded, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted June 14, 2022 Report Share Posted June 14, 2022 1 hour ago, Christougher said: Speaking of, Disney has apparently renamed *that* outfit of Leia's, the HuttSlayer outfit. Does that mean, the next time The Mandalorian has to hunt a Hutt, he has to wear that outfit? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christougher Posted June 14, 2022 Report Share Posted June 14, 2022 2 hours ago, dmjalund said: Does that mean, the next time The Mandalorian has to hunt a Hutt, he has to wear that outfit? We can only hope... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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