Bazza Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 Re: Jokes There's two fish in a tank. One says, "How do you drive this thing?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 Re: Jokes An man walks into a pub, gets a beer, and walks over to a guy at the end of the bar. "Say, pal, where ya from?" The other guy says, "I'm from Ireland." "Well, I thought ye looked like a good Irish lad!" says the first man. "Let's have a drink to Ireland!" So they down their beers and order another set. The second guy asks, "Where in Ireland are ye from?" "Dublin." "Well, what do ye know! I'm from Dublin too! A drink to Dublin!" Another pair of beers downed, a new pair gotten, and the first guy says, "Yep, I surely do miss goin' to school at good ol' St. Mary's..." "St. Mary's?! That's where I went to school! A drink to St. Mary's!" "So," says the first guy, "when did ye graduate from St. Mary's?" "I was in the class o' 1984." "1984?! Hey, that's the year *I* graduated! A drink to the class o' 84!" Meanwhile, someone at the other end of the bar waves the bartender over to get another drink. He asks, "What's going on down there? The bartender shrugs. "It's just the O'Malley twins getting drunk again." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh bunneh Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 Re: Jokes A brilliant biologist manages to perfect the cloning process -- he figured out how to clone a human being. Upon his success, he decided to take the clone to the annual biologists' conference in New York. So there he was, in front of the world's most brilliant scientists, giving the keynote speech. "My fellow scientists," he began. "Fellow a**holes, more like it! Look at all these guys, they're like a bunch of f***ing zombies!" the clone jeered. The scientist was a little put off, but he continued. "I come to you today to show off the greatest acchievement in science..." The clone interrupted. "Listen to this f***er talk! He's so f***ing full of himself, like he thinks he's f***ing god!" The scientist is getting really upset now, but he tries to soldier on. "...the greatest acchievement in science..." "Blah blah blah!" the clone shouts. "I'm getting a f***ing headache just listening to you, you dumb f***er. Hey, what do you say we get some f***ing scotch and then go out and score some b****es?" The scientist has had enough! In a fury, he grabs the clone, drags him to the nearest window, and hurls him out, where he plummets 60 stories to his death. The police immediately arrested the scientist. They charged him with making an obscene clone fall. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 10, 2009 Report Share Posted August 10, 2009 Re: Jokes A father and son were going hunting together for the first time. "Stay here and be very quiet," said the father, "I'll be across the field." A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet." The boy replied, "Look, I was quiet then the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I guess I just panicked." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 Re: Jokes Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes POOF and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy replies, "You jerk. Now we've got to wee in the boat." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Re: Jokes A bit racy, hence the spoiler tags. A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and it discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot." "What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." "Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't spray when you take a leak." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 Re: Jokes A new supermarket opened in Orlando, Florida. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of freshly mowed hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of freshly baked bread and cookies. I don't buy toilet paper there any more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 Re: Jokes In an experiment to broaden it's customer base, one of the shipping companies will soon be branching out into the Coffee Shop business. It is to be named: Federal Expresso Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Re: Jokes A young kid at the beach was nagging his mother to be allowed to go swimming but she kept refusing. "But why can't I go in swimming?" asked the kid. "Because it's dangerous that's why!" "But Dad's in swimming" "That's different, he's insured!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Re: Jokes There's two fish in a tank. One says, "How do you drive this thing?" The other one yells "AAaaaaaaaahhhh!!! A talking fish!!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Re: Jokes The other one yells "AAaaaaaaaahhhh!!! A talking fish!!!!" the joke was complete without your ad-lib Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Re: Jokes Keep this up, and you're both gonna need a sturgeon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Re: Jokes Keep this up, and you're both gonna need a sturgeon. You can't stop once you get in the halibut. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yamamura Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Re: Jokes You can't stop once you get in the halibut. You guys are giving me a haddock! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted August 22, 2009 Report Share Posted August 22, 2009 Re: Jokes stop er crabbin' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted August 22, 2009 Report Share Posted August 22, 2009 Re: Jokes stop er crabbin' Clam up, allaya! Yer brainser baked! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 22, 2009 Report Share Posted August 22, 2009 Re: Jokes You guys are giving me a haddock! He wasn't kidding either, 'cause in came the biggest, meanest lookin' haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted August 22, 2009 Report Share Posted August 22, 2009 Re: Jokes That's a whale of a tale. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 22, 2009 Report Share Posted August 22, 2009 Re: Jokes You'll change your tuna soon enough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted August 22, 2009 Report Share Posted August 22, 2009 Re: Jokes So a guy calls up his wife and says "I've got an emergency!" His wife asks "What is it?" He says "On my right side, there's a sheer drop-off! On my left, a sheer cliff! In front of me, a fire engine. Behind me, an ambulance. And for some reason, there's a horse bobbing up and down between me and the cliff. And I can't remember how I got here!" And she says... "Get off the merry-go-round! You're drunk!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 Re: Jokes You'll change your tuna soon enough. Holy Makeral! He's gonna knock you off your Perch! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 Re: Jokes This is one of the weirdest groupers I've ever been a part of. And I mean that in the bass way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 Re: Jokes You should have seen me in my old crustacean-wagon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 Re: Jokes You should have seen me in my old crustacean-wagon. Did it ever blow a seal? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EvilDrPuma Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 Re: Jokes Did it ever blow a seal? Just tell the jokes and keep his private life out of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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