tkdguy Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Re: Jokes What? I don't know that! *tkdguy screams as he is hurled into the Chasm of Eternal Peril.* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow Hawk Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Re: Jokes What is the average ground speed velocity of a pygmy squirrel' date=' anyway?[/quote'] It depends on if he's carrying a coconut. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Main Man Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Re: Jokes S'bout time that I post some: How about I start with this one? What do you call a (insert ethnic group here) person who flies a plane? Give up? A pilot you f***ing racist! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted June 29, 2009 Report Share Posted June 29, 2009 Re: Jokes What do you call a Ghoul that joins the KKK? A Wight Supremacist Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted June 29, 2009 Report Share Posted June 29, 2009 Re: Jokes Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg? [Answer spoilered due to questionable taste.] Neither. The Rooster came first! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted June 30, 2009 Report Share Posted June 30, 2009 Re: Jokes Originally, a gargoyle included a spout that carried water from a roof away from the building. I guess it makes sense. First you gargoyle, then you spit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 30, 2009 Report Share Posted June 30, 2009 Re: Jokes A guy feels a bit sick so he goes off to the doctor who gives him the once over. "Right," says the doctor, "I'm giving you these prescriptions and this is what you need to do. Before breakfast you're to take one white tablet with a glass of water, and then mid morning take a pink tablet with water. Before lunch take a green tablet with water, mid afternoon take a yellow tablet with water then before dinner take two blue tablets, again with some water. Finally just before bed take another white tablet with a glass of water." "Hell Doc!" cried the guy, "What's wrong with me?" "You're not drinking enough water." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Re: Jokes Two cannibals were sitting down to dinner. One of them heaved a heavy sigh. His friend asks: "What's the matter?" He replies: "Oh, I just hate my mother-in-law!" His friend replies: "So? Then just eat the vegetables." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Re: Jokes Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Re: Jokes A long time ago there was a king who lived in the South Pacific who was so rich he lived in a split-level hut. Every year his people would bring him tribute in the form of a throne made from rare and expensive materials. Upon receipt, the new throne would be put in the throne room and the old throne would be put in the attic. One day, the accumulated weight of the old thrones became too much for the king's house and it collapsed, killing everyone inside. The moral of this story? People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones. _________________ There was once a pediatrician who was also an amateur magician. Every day he would go into the pediatric ward and drive the children to distraction with his cheesy act. The children wanted to put a stop to it but were afraid the doctor would become angry if they just told him to knock it off. One day, a clever child tricked the doctor into turning himself into an apple. The child then quickly scooped up the apple, stuffed it into a specimen cup and clapped the lid on. The children were simultaneously overjoyed and worried. "He's gone, but what if the doctor changes back? He'll be mad at us for sure!" One of the children who was ready to be discharged said: "There's an old guy who lives just up the street from me and everyone says he's a wizard. Why don't I take the apple to him and he can tell me how to keep the doctor from changing back?" The other children agreed. That very day the child took the specimen cup to the wizard. The wizard was very thorough. He peered at the cup with a magnifying lense. He consulted dusty old tomes with parchment pages. After much consideration, he handed the cup back to the child, and gave him a set of scales and some weights. He told the child "If you wish the doctor never to return you must do exactly as I say. Every day just after sunrise, you must use these scales to weigh the apple." The child was puzzled. At the very least he expected the wizard to utter an incantation and wave his hands a bit. He asked, "Wait a minute! That's it? All I have to do is weigh this", he held up the cup "and the doctor won't change back? How does it work?" The old man said: "My child, it's very simple: A weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple ." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Re: Jokes Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!' The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Re: Jokes Q: What do you name a dog with no legs? A: It don't matter, he won't come when you call anyways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Re: Jokes Q: Where would you find such a dog? A: Exactly where you left him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrosshairCollie Posted July 3, 2009 Report Share Posted July 3, 2009 Re: Jokes How do you know when your husband is cheating on you with his secretary? You find a lipstick stain on his collar covered in white-out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
薔薇語 Posted July 3, 2009 Report Share Posted July 3, 2009 Re: Jokes Classic that I like: Two muffins are baking in the over. One muffin looks over to the other and says, "Whew, it sure is gettin' hot in here." The other muffin quickly looks at him and screams, "AHH a talkin' Muffin!" Corny but Fun, La Rose. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted July 4, 2009 Report Share Posted July 4, 2009 Re: Jokes How do you know when your husband is cheating on you with his secretary? You find a lipstick stain on his collar covered in white-out. How do you know it was a blonde secretary? It was a dark blue shirt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted July 5, 2009 Report Share Posted July 5, 2009 Re: Jokes Class that I like: Two muffins are baking in the over. One muffin looks over to the other and says, "Whew, it sure is gettin' hot in here." The other muffin quickly looks at him and screams, "AHH a talkin' Muffin!" Corny but Fun, La Rose. So, they were cornbread muffins? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 6, 2009 Report Share Posted July 6, 2009 Re: Jokes Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy didn't pay the ransom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secretID Posted July 6, 2009 Report Share Posted July 6, 2009 Re: Jokes Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg? [Answer spoilered due to questionable taste.] Neither. The Rooster came first! There's a great cartoon of a chicken and an egg sitting up beside each other. The chicken, smoking a cigarette and looking annoyed, says, "Well, that settles that." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 6, 2009 Report Share Posted July 6, 2009 Re: Jokes Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy didn't pay the ransom. I have no idea what this means. Somehow, I sense that's a good thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 6, 2009 Report Share Posted July 6, 2009 Re: Jokes I have no idea what this means. Somehow, I sense that's a good thing. You never heard of Enid Blyton's Noddy? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noddy_(character) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austenandrews Posted July 6, 2009 Report Share Posted July 6, 2009 Re: Jokes Must be a British thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Mackinder Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 Re: Jokes Must be a British thing. W-e-l-l. I'm Australian, and that joke did the rounds here a while ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edsel Posted July 9, 2009 Report Share Posted July 9, 2009 Creative Puns for Educated Minds Creative Puns for Educated Minds The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass..' A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. A backward poet writes inverse. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 Re: Creative Puns for Educated Minds 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 5a. Liberace accidentally backed into a candelabra and burned his end at both candles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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