Bazza Posted July 11, 2009 Report Share Posted July 11, 2009 Re: Jokes Two eggs get married. They were both young virgin eggs and were extremely nervous. On their wedding night they went to their honeymoon suite and wife egg said to husband egg, "I'll pop into the bathroom and slip into something more comforrtable." Husband egg sat on the bed and removed his clothes. He was shaking in his shell so much he put a crash helmet on his head. Wife egg came out of the bathroom in a sexy Eggliche. "Darling wife you look beautiful in your black Eggliche!" said husband egg. "Thank you darling husband egg, and you look very handsome sitting on the bed... but why are you wearing a crash helmet on your head?" "Well darling wife," he replied, "Last time I got this hard, I got hit over the head with a spoon." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted July 11, 2009 Report Share Posted July 11, 2009 Re: Jokes Creative Puns for Educated MindsThe roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass..' A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. A backward poet writes inverse. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects! [Emphasis added] #14 happened to me when I was in the 4th grade! Just a couple I found at this site: An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?" ____________ The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted July 11, 2009 Report Share Posted July 11, 2009 Re: Jokes One more from the same site: Fighter Pilots Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you. Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot. Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 12, 2009 Report Share Posted July 12, 2009 Re: Jokes Several university students in a Logic & Reasoning class are given the assignment to prove that all odd numbers are prime. Their responses are as follows: Mathematics major: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest by induction. Physics major: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime... Chemistry major: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, let's publish! Engineering major: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is a good approximation... Economics major: 2 is prime, 4 is prime... English major: 1 is prime, 2 is prime, 3 is prime, 4 is prime... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Re: Jokes A Catholic bloke goes into the confessional box. He notices on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admist the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "You're on my side...get out!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basil Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 Re: Creative Puns for Educated Minds [*]She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. She was only a stableman's daughter, but all the horse manure. All the horsemen knew her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 Re: Jokes What you have to understand about haute cuisine is that it's all a matter of taste. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enforcer84 Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 Re: Creative Puns for Educated Minds She was only a stableman's daughter, but all the horse manure. All the horsemen knew her. She was only a bricklayer's daughter, but she sure was stacked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 22, 2009 Report Share Posted July 22, 2009 Re: Jokes An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for years. He had a large pond in the back and it was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed is up nicely with picnic tsables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came clloser he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn;t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." He held the bucket up and said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted July 22, 2009 Report Share Posted July 22, 2009 Re: Jokes A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?" The Koala said, "Smoking a joint. Come up and have some." So the lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and he was going to get a drink from the river. The lizard was so stoned that when he leaned over to get a drink, he leaned over to far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to back to land. The he asked the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but had gotten too stoned and fell into the river while trying to get a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest. When he found the tree where the koala was, the koala was just finishing a joint. The Corc looked up and said, "Hey You!" The koala looked dawn at him and said, "SH** DUDE!! How much water did you drink!?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted July 22, 2009 Report Share Posted July 22, 2009 Re: Jokes What do you call a curvaceous French BBQ expert? Smokin' Haute! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 22, 2009 Report Share Posted July 22, 2009 Re: Jokes If you receive an e-mail from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu............ Ignore it. It's just Spam. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted July 22, 2009 Report Share Posted July 22, 2009 Re: Jokes The above Joke is such a Treet! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basil Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 Re: Jokes A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past... I read this far, misread it as "...a little wizard..." and thought it was going to be a Rincewind & drop-bear joke. :doi: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 27, 2009 Report Share Posted July 27, 2009 Re: Jokes You might not know this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Freezer bags are male - they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. Photocopiers are female - once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again, they are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons. Tyres are male - they go bald easily and are often over-inflated. Egg timers are female - over time all the weight shifts to the bottom. Hammers are male - in the last 5000 years they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 Re: Jokes World's Shortest Fairy Tale Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. The end Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted July 29, 2009 Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 Re: Jokes World's Shortest Fairy Tale Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. The end Story of my life! Have you been spying on me? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FireTiger Posted July 29, 2009 Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 Re: Jokes One day, three men are out having a relaxing day fishing, when suddenly, they catch a mermaid. After hauling the mermaid up in a net, she promises that if the men set her free, she will grant each of them a wish in return. The first man doesn't believe it, so he says, "Alright, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done," and suddenly, the first man starts to flawlessly recite Shakespear and analyze it with extreme insight. The second man is so amazed, he looks at the mermaid and says, "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done," and the second man starts reciting solutions to mathematical problems that have been stumping all of the scientists in various fields from physics to chemistry, etc.. The third man is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my IQ." The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The man responds, "Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," said the mermaid, "You don't know what you're asking, it'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the third man insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid finally relented and said, "Done." The third man became a woman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted July 29, 2009 Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 Re: Jokes Cooking Instructions The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." -- until the agency received the following letter from an unhappy camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible." The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FireTiger Posted July 30, 2009 Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 Re: Jokes Q: What's the best way to stop a runaway horse? A: Bet on it. And... A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." "Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?" "No," said the psychic, "Next year—in biology class." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted August 1, 2009 Report Share Posted August 1, 2009 Re: Jokes My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in. I became a Professional Fisherman, but I discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a Workout Centre, but They Said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. So, I tried retirement and found that I'm perfect for the job! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 Re: Jokes You might be a teacher if... 1. You want to slap the next person who says,"Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free." 2. You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside. 3. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card. 4. When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior. 5. When you mention "vegetables", you're not talking about a food group. 6. You wonder why some parents ever reproduced. 7. You wonder how some parents even MANAGED to reproduce. 8. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce. 9. You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it. 10. Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?" 11. You understand why some animals eat their young. (These would be funnier if they weren't all so true.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 Re: Jokes 8. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce. Or at least a combination I.Q. & Common Sense test. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 Re: Jokes Or at least a combination I.Q. & Common Sense test. That would work, too, if there were a reliable and valid way to test for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh bunneh Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 Re: Jokes Why did Beethoven get rid of all his chickens? 'Cause they never stopped talking about "Bach Bach Bach". Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors? 'Cause if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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