matrix3 Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 Re: Jokes God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, “Where have you been?” God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God, ”and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.” “Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.” God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.” The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?” “That’s West Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from West Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.” Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance…” God smiled, “Right next to West Virginia is Washington, DC. Just wait till you see the jerks and idiots I put there!” Randomly, searching for something else, I found an old, Illinois version of this joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermit Posted August 4, 2012 Report Share Posted August 4, 2012 Re: Jokes A municipality officer stopped at crops fields in Texas , and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The farmer said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The municipality officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. on any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!" The farmer nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the municipality officer running for his life, being chased by the farmer's BIG BULL. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted August 4, 2012 Report Share Posted August 4, 2012 Re: Jokes Show White used to be an adventurer just like you - Until she took a sparrow to the knee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marcus Impudite Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 Re: Jokes What do you get when you have Barrack Obama, Mitt Romney, and a Hooters girl all in the same room? Two boobs and a waitress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted August 8, 2012 Report Share Posted August 8, 2012 Re: Jokes One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!! In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon. Your$ $incerely, $am $oh The next day, the employee received this letter of reply: I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well. NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw You kNOw what I mean. Yours truly, NOrman NOble Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 Re: Jokes What does a nosy pepper do? It gets jalapeno business! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Re: Jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Re: Jokes What was the hover text? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Re: Jokes What was the hover text? "I have nothing to apologize for." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 19, 2012 Report Share Posted August 19, 2012 Re: Jokes (For reference, Ute = University of Utah, Cougar = BYU, and Aggie = Utah State.) One day a Ute, a Cougar, and an Aggie were walking along the beach of the Great Salt Lake when they found a lamp. They agreed to rub it together, and sure enough, a genie appeared. "This is perfect," the genie said, "You get one wish each. Who's first?" The Aggie spoke first. "I grew up a farmer in Cache valley. My daddy was a farmer, my grandaddy was a farmer, and all my ancestors have been farmers all the way back to the 1850s when they settled valley. My wish is that the Cache valley will always be fertile and pleasant, so that my kids and their kids and all my descendants can live and farm and be happy there too." "Done!" the genie said. "Who's next?" The Cougar spoke next. "I love my school and my community, and I fear that one day they will be corrupted by the evils of the world. So I wish for a great wall of protection around Provo and BYU, to keep out all evil influences." "Done!" the genie said, turning to the Ute. "And what is your wish?" "Just a minute," the Ute said. "Tell me about this wall." "The wall runs all the way around the city and the campus. It's three hundred feet tall, seventy-five feet thick at the base and thirty feet thick at the top. It's made of reinforced concrete and is completely impregnable. There are no entrances or exits. Nothing gets in or out." "Excellent," the Ute said with a wicked grin. "Fill it with water." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinanju Posted August 20, 2012 Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 Re: Jokes A Polish man is out plowing his farm one day, when he plows up a lamp. He rubs it and a genie appears and grants him three wishes in return for freeing him. "I want the Mongol Horde to raid my homeland," says the Pole. The genie blinks in surprise, but grants the wish. The Mongel Horde thunders over the horizon, sacks Poland, and departs. "And for your next wish?" "Do it again." The Mongel Horde sacks Poland once more. "And for your LAST wish?" the Genie asks. "One more time!" the Pole shouts. The Mongel Horde reappears to rape, loot, plunder and pillage the man's homeland, then departs. "You don't have to answer," the Genie says, "but I'm curious. Why did you ask for the Mongols to pillage your homeland three times?" "Because they had to cross Russia SIX TIMES to do it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted August 20, 2012 Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 Re: Jokes A pole-vaulter walks into a bar... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 20, 2012 Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 Re: Jokes A man was carrying a long pole around the Olympic village. Someone stopped him and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He replied, "No, I'm German. But how did you know my name is Walter?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrankL Posted August 20, 2012 Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 Re: Jokes A man was carrying a long pole around the Olympic village. Someone stopped him and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He replied, "No, I'm German. But how did you know my name is Walter?" I have a friend from Poland named Walter; he should appreciate this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 Re: Jokes A man was carrying a long pole around the Olympic village. Someone stopped him and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He replied, "No, I'm German. But how did you know my name is Walter?" The one I heard was "No, I'm German, and don't call me Walter!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 Re: Jokes You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks more jokes - http://au.news.yahoo.com/entertainment/a/-/entertainment/14610720/posh-and-becks-joke-voted-funniest/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 Re: Jokes You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks more jokes - http://au.news.yahoo.com/entertainment/a/-/entertainment/14610720/posh-and-becks-joke-voted-funniest/ Most of the jokes in the link were great, but I confess I don't get the Posh and Becks joke. So now a follow up to the European jokes: A pretty young French woman is riding the train with her grandmother and they find themselves in a compartment with a Russian soldier and a Polish student. They sit in silence until the train goes through a tunnel and the compartment goes completely black. There is the sound of a kiss and then the smack of a hard blow. The train exits the tunnel and all four continue to sit in silence with their own thoughts. The grandmother thinks "I shall have to compliment my daughter for raising such a virtuous and chaste child. And clearly she knows how to defend herself!" The young woman thinks "I am surprised that my grandmother is still attracting that kind of attention, but even more surprised at how hard she can hit!" The Russian soldier thinks "That lucky Pole! He gets to kiss the pretty girl and I am the one who gets punched! You would never guess a woman could hit so hard!" The Polish student think "That worked great! I kiss my own hand and I get to slug the Russian!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 Re: Jokes The Posh and Becks thing relates to the names they gave their kids. Bob Geldof and Paula Yates did the same. this Butcher wanted me to help him get meat off the shelves in his shop. I refused as the steaks were too high. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roter Baron Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 Re: Jokes A German tourist walks around in Warsaw and suddenly feels the need to buy a souvenir. So he enters a shop and looks around and sees a Pole buying a nice knife. German tourist: "I would like to buy a knife." Shopkeeper: "Sorry, I don't sell knives." Still wondering and a little puzzled he sees a Pole buying a revolver. German tourist: "Okay, I would kike to buy a revolver then." Shopkeeper: " Sorry, but I don't sell revolvers." Getting a little angry a walks around some more and sees a Pole buying a hand-granade. German Tourist: "Well, then I would like to buy a hand-grenade." Shopkeeper: "I don't sell hand-grenades!" German tourist, now furious: "It seesm you have something against Germans!" Shopkeeper. "Sure! Knives, revolvers, hand-grenades ..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roter Baron Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 Re: Jokes The devil diggs himself out of hell and through the earth to see the world. Comes out in Germany. German: " Hey, who the hell are you?" Devil: "I am the Devil and this is my pick and my bucket! Gimme a beer!" Gets it, drinks and diggs on. He comes out in Russia. Russian: "Who the hell are you?" Devil: "I am the Devil and this is my pick and my bucket! Gimme vodka!" Gets it, drinks and diggs on. He comes out in Poland. Pole: "Now, who the hell are you?" Devil: "I am the Devil and WHERE THE HELL IS MY PICK AND BUCKET GONE!?!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 Re: Jokes Disclaimer: The following joke contains ethnic references. I was introduced to this joke in 1981, by A1C Kevin (Dallas) Duignan of Georgia. If you find it displeasing, please imagine the nationalities of the foxes in the story as something more acceptable to you. A PYOEM fox and a Not-PYOEM fox were running through the woods, when they both were caught in traps! The PYOEM fox started to cry "Oh, no! Now the trapper's going to get us!" The Not-PYOEM fox said "F--- that! I'm gonna bite my leg off and escape from the trap!" So the Not-PYOEM fox started chewing and before long he had bitten his leg off. As he dashed off into the woods he called to the PYOEM fox "I'm free! Bite your leg off and meet me in the meadow 2 miles upstream." An hour passed, and the PYOEM fox still hadn't shown up, so the Not-PYOEM fox decided to sneak back and see if the hunter had gotten his friend already? As he got close to where he had left his friend, he coiuld hear him sobbing. He called out "What are you still doing here? Did you bite your leg off yet?" The PYOEM fox wailed the following reply: "It doesn't work! I've bitten three of the damn things off and I'm still caught!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Celt Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 Re: Jokes Disclaimer: The following joke contains ethnic references. I was introduced to this joke in 1981, by A1C Kevin (Dallas) Duignan of Georgia. If you find it displeasing, please imagine the nationalities of the foxes in the story as something more acceptable to you. I've taken to using Doofus as my fall guy. "Doofus walks into a bar...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh bunneh Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 Re: Jokes I sometimes use "Pyoem," as in "Pick Your Own Ethnic Minority". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 Re: Jokes I sometimes use "Pyoem' date='" as in "Pick Your Own Ethnic Minority".[/quote'] Fine. The joke has been edited according to suggestion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh bunneh Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 Re: Jokes I wasn't suggesting you edit your post, Baloo. I was not offended in anway way. I'm totally cool with jokes of all sorts. Even the offensive ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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