BoloOfEarth Posted January 15, 2015 Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 A businessman is on a flight from LA to NYC, eager to get to a dinner meeting with an important client. About an hour into the flight the pilot reports over the intercom, "Folks, I wanted to inform you that we've been having a problem with one of our engines since takeoff, and we've decided to shut it down. However, this airliner has four engines, and can easily fly with only three engines, so we've decided to continue on to our destination. Unfortunately, we'll be moving slightly slower, so we'll be a half hour late to our destination. We apologize for the inconvenience." The businessman is upset, but knows there's nothing he can do, so he sits there and steams. A while later, the intercom comes back on. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot. We've just lost another engine. Don't worry, this airliner can stay aloft quite easily on two engines. We considered rerouting to a nearby airport, but the weather across the Midwest isn't very good right now, so we decided to continue on to New York. However, this will make us about an hour later than our scheduled arrival. I'm sorry for the inconvenience, and be assured the airline will help with rescheduling any connecting flights." The businessman is even more upset, as he realizes he may be late for his dinner meeting. As the airliner is passing over Pennsylvania, the pilot comes back over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to say that we've just lost our third engine. Most of the airports in the region are completely snowed in except LaGuardia, so we're going to keep heading in. Don't worry folks, this is one of the best airliners around, it can still land safely with only one engine. However, we're going to be even later - I can't really give you an exact estimate on exactly when we'll land, but it may be an hour and a half past our scheduled arrival time." Meanwhile, the angry businessman sends a quick text to a colleague, telling him he'll likely miss the dinner meeting entirely. As the plane is nearing New Jersey, the intercom goes on again. "Folks, we just lost our last engine..." At this, the businessman screams in frustration. "THAT'S JUST GREAT! Now we're going to be up here all day!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Who was purple and conquered the entire then-known civilized world? Alexander the Grape. Who is buried in Alexander's tomb? Alexander the Raisin. BlueCloud2k2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted January 21, 2015 Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Who was purple and conquered the entire then-known civilized world? Alexander the Grape. Who is buried in Alexander's tomb? Alexander the Raisin. After the barbarians invaded and set everything aflame, what did you have? Alexander the raisin toast. If there are a couple of psychotically delusional guys who think they're Alexander the Grape, what do you have? Alexander the Grape Nuts. tkdguy and BlueCloud2k2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 A small boy named Jim lived in a town in the Midwest. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Jim!!!!!" One day Jim's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!! 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardiac disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful… When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died! The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Jim, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his vacuum cleaner!!!!! Don't tell me you thought that Jim became a doctor! BlueCloud2k2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 23, 2015 Report Share Posted January 23, 2015 Q - What's the difference between doctors and chiropractors? A - Doctors don't go around telling people they're chiropractors. (Told to me by a chiropractor, incidentally.) Logan D. Hurricanes, Cancer, BlueCloud2k2 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueCloud2k2 Posted January 25, 2015 Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Voldemort: Knock Knock.Harry Potter: Who's There?Voldemort: You Know.Harry Potter: You Know Who?Voldemort: Exactly! Knock, knock.Who's there?Daisy.Daisy who?Daisy me rollin', they hatin'! Pariah, Old Man and death tribble 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted January 25, 2015 Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 So, a divorced woman puts out a personal ad in the paper: "WANTED: a man who won't hit me, or leave me, and somebody who is a good lover." A few days later, her doorbell rings. When she answers the door, she sees a man in a wheelchair sitting there, without arms or legs. "I'm here to answer your ad," he says. "I think you must be mistaken," she says. "I don't think you fit the ad." "Of course I do," he replies. "I have no arms, so I can't beat you. And I have no legs, so I can't run away from you." "But what about the 'good lover' part?" she asks. "Lady," he says, "how do you think I rang the doorbell?" tkdguy and death tribble 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 26, 2015 Report Share Posted January 26, 2015 The cheesiest pickup line of all time: death tribble, BlueCloud2k2, Burrito Boy and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 9, 2015 Report Share Posted February 9, 2015 A photon checks into a fancy hotel. The bellhop asks, "Can I help you with your luggage?" The photon replies, "I don't have any. I'm traveling light." tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted February 9, 2015 Report Share Posted February 9, 2015 A blonde walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs. Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him! He is lying on the floor moaning, "Jeez, lady… Why do you let the bartender do it and not me?" "Helloooo!" says the blonde. "He has a licker license!" Burrito Boy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted February 9, 2015 Report Share Posted February 9, 2015 Annoying (?) puzzles, not jokes. Both of these are the starting members of sequence. The task is to give the next two or three members of the sequence. Sequence #1: B, C, D, G, ... Need a hint? next one is J Answer: J, O, P, ... in this font, it's the capital letters that have curves as part of the letter Sequence #2: B, C, N, O, ... Need a hint? next one is F Answer: F, Ne, Na, ... it's off the periodic table of elements Pariah and tkdguy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zeropoint Posted February 10, 2015 Report Share Posted February 10, 2015 That kind of thing is why I hate those "guess the next in the sequence" kind of questions. The rule space that you're searching through is potentially infinite, and there exists a rule that will put ANYTHING next after any sequence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 10, 2015 Report Share Posted February 10, 2015 I use things like this sometimes in my classes when we start talking about the periodic table , because it gets them thinking about patterns and making predictions. My personal favorites are: __ __ __ __ __ __ J A S O N __ O T T F F S S __ __ __ __ __ __ W T F __ __ __ Y __ B __ __ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted February 10, 2015 Report Share Posted February 10, 2015 I recognized the first three of Pariah's immediately. I know I have seen the last one but can't place it at the moment. For number sequences, frankly, you can track those down at https://oeis.org/. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 10, 2015 Report Share Posted February 10, 2015 I recognized the first three of Pariah's immediately. I know I have seen the last one but can't place it at the moment. You of all people should recognize that one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 10, 2015 Report Share Posted February 10, 2015 Joke from a five year old after watching GotG. 5yo: Knock, KnockDad : Who's there?5yo: Interrupting Rocket and GrootDad: Interupting Ro-5yo: I AM GROOT !! You gotta love that. L. Marcus, BlueCloud2k2 and Pariah 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted February 12, 2015 Report Share Posted February 12, 2015 You of all people should recognize that one! Oddly enough, I realized what it was in the shower this morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 12, 2015 Report Share Posted February 12, 2015 Did you hear about the guy who died skydiving? He was having so much fun, he thought that opening his parachute would be a drag. BlueCloud2k2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted February 17, 2015 Report Share Posted February 17, 2015 Doctor who can participate in non-linear joke-telling. Knock knock. Doctor. Edit: I got it from a fanfic. Logan D. Hurricanes, tkdguy and Pariah 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted February 22, 2015 Report Share Posted February 22, 2015 concert joke: why is it so hot in the audience? because all the fans are facing the stage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 4, 2015 Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first mathematician orders a beer. The second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and the fourth orders an eighth of a beer. Before the fifth mathematician can order, the bartender stops them and pours two beers. He then says, "Fellas, you should really know your limits." BoloOfEarth, FrankL, L. Marcus and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 4, 2015 Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician were all watching a house on a stakeout. The house was quiet until a car pulled up, and two people got out of the car and entered the house. The physicist said, "There are now two people in the house." Several minutes later, three people came out of the house, got into the car, and left. The biologist said, "Good heavens, they're reproducing!" The mathematician said, "Now if we can get one person to come and go into the house, it'll be empty again." tkdguy and BlueCloud2k2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted March 4, 2015 Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 I'm going to steal those last two. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted March 5, 2015 Report Share Posted March 5, 2015 An economist, a mathematician, and a physicist investigate the proposition that all odd integers greater than 1 are prime. The economist says, "3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. The proposition is true." The mathematician says, "3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is not prime. The proposition is false." The physicist says, "3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is not prime. But 11 is prime and 13 is prime. Th proposition is true, within experimental error." tkdguy, L. Marcus and Pariah 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrankL Posted March 5, 2015 Report Share Posted March 5, 2015 An engineer, a mathematician, and an economist were out hunting deer. From their blind, they saw a huge buck. They took aim. The engineer shot to the left, the mathematician shot to the right. The economist shouted, "We got it!" BlueCloud2k2 and tkdguy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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