Pariah Posted March 5, 2015 Report Share Posted March 5, 2015 Along these same lines: How To Hunt An Elephant (by Occupation and/or Job Title) BlueCloud2k2, tkdguy, Rails and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted March 5, 2015 Report Share Posted March 5, 2015 Though he's left one out there. Enterpreneurs kill everything that might remotely be an elephant before regulations are imposed to prevent such behavior, and then fight furiously to keep the outrageous profits they can get by selling the remains of a species they have rendered extinct. tkdguy and BlueCloud2k2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted March 7, 2015 Report Share Posted March 7, 2015 On a related note: Math Theory of Big Game Hunting A physicist was riding with a friend when the driver made a wrong turn. "Relax," said the physicist. "I'm a trained scientist. All we have to do is analyze the relevant data, and I'll have us back on track.""Okay," said the driver, "Well, first of all we're going 65 miles per hour.""Oh no!" cried the physicist. "Now we'll never know where we are!" Alexander, The Great General, Had An Infinite Number Of Arms Alexander was a great general. Great generals are forewarned. Forewarned is forearmed. Now, four is an odd number of arms for a general to have. Four is also an even number. And the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, Alexander, the great general, had an infinite number of arms. BlueCloud2k2, Cancer and L. Marcus 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted March 8, 2015 Report Share Posted March 8, 2015 Two cowboys are waiting for the Indians to attack their fort, listening to the war drums. One cowboy says to the other: "I don't like the sound of those drums." From across the plain comes a distant voice: "He's not our usual drummer!". Pariah, tkdguy and death tribble 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted March 9, 2015 Report Share Posted March 9, 2015 What do you have left if a pig eats all of your watermelon? Pork rinds. What happened to the hen that ate gun powder? She laid hen grenades. Why was the mouse crying? He found out his father was a rat. What's grosser than a three-headed spider with forty eyes? Not much. death tribble, Pariah and tkdguy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 10, 2015 Report Share Posted March 10, 2015 Why did the farmer receive an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 What if all your base are belong to you, but you've left all your trebles behind? tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 Did you hear about the guy who got frozen down to -273.15 C? He's 0 K now. death tribble, Logan D. Hurricanes and Burrito Boy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 Did you hear about the guy who got frozen down to -273.15 C? He's 0 K now. Cold, man, cold... Cancer and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted March 20, 2015 Report Share Posted March 20, 2015 Which US state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Posted March 20, 2015 Report Share Posted March 20, 2015 What do we want? More questions! When do we want them? Thanks! Roter Baron and Lucius 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Posted March 20, 2015 Report Share Posted March 20, 2015 What do we want?!Time travel!When do we want it?!Irrelevant! Roter Baron 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Posted March 20, 2015 Report Share Posted March 20, 2015 A squirrel is in a pine tree, when all of a sudden, it starts shaking. He looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree. "What are you doing? Why are you climbing my tree?" the squirrel calls down to the elephant. "I'm coming up there to eat some pears!" the elephant responds. "You fool! This is a pine tree! There aren't any pears up here!" The elephant looks perplexed for a moment, and then says, "But I brought my own pears." Roter Baron 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Posted March 20, 2015 Report Share Posted March 20, 2015 Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says to the bartender, "I'll have some H2O." The second scientist says, "I'll have some H2O too." The second scientist dies. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Posted March 20, 2015 Report Share Posted March 20, 2015 Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks if they'd all like a beer. The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third exclaims "Yes!" FrankL, Cancer and Pariah 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 A rancher has to leave town for a week and the only person he could find to take care of his cows was his accountant. When the rancher returned he counted his cows and found he had 200. He asked his accountant: "When I left last week I only had 196 cows, but now I have 200." The accountant said: "That's because I rounded them up." Rails 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 Roter Baron, death tribble and Rails 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 For that, you should track down a short story in the April 1970 issue of Analog titled "Come You Nigh: Kay Shuns". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 9, 2015 Report Share Posted April 9, 2015 Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up. Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above: "You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news." Moses was staggered. The voice continued: "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs" "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust." "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land." Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's.... that's fantastic. I can't believe it! --- But what's the bad news?" "You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement." L. Marcus and Hermit 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 9, 2015 Report Share Posted April 9, 2015 What is the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike? The pavement. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted April 10, 2015 Report Share Posted April 10, 2015 A goat, the dictator of Latveria, and two cymbals fell down some stairs. The headlines read... "Baa-DOOM-tish" Christougher and Burrito Boy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted April 10, 2015 Report Share Posted April 10, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 13, 2015 Report Share Posted April 13, 2015 Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Never mind, it's pointless. Why are you still reading this? The joke is over. Move on, man! death tribble, Roter Baron, tkdguy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.' The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!' The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?' The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.' The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?' The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.' The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?' The other woman answers, 'well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course…' The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate? The other woman answers,'well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!' About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?' Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.' death tribble, FrankL, Cancer and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrankL Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 Okay, that's good. I expected they were going to be going on and on with their shared stories and then they get in a fight because they like different soccer teams. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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