dmjalund Posted July 18, 2015 Report Share Posted July 18, 2015 Roy Rogers would agree with me that the Trigger Discipline argument is flogging a dead horse Burrito Boy, Lucius and tkdguy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted July 19, 2015 Report Share Posted July 19, 2015 Here's a joke the younger generations won't get: "What's on telly?" "Savalas." Cancer 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, ' I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade' Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..' The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..' Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling. Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…' death tribble 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 http://www.cyclefish.com/forum/General/Biker-and-Motorcycle-Humor-and-Jokes/Three-Italian-nuns-die-and-go-to-heaven-115337-1.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 23, 2015 Report Share Posted July 23, 2015 Spoilered for flatulence: An old man was visiting his doctor for his annual physical. At the end of the examination, the doctor asked him if he had any questions. “It’s funny, Doc, but there is something I’ve been meaning to ask you about. It’s nothing serious, but whenever I pass gas, it’s completely silent and it has no odor whatsoever.” “That’s interesting,” the doctor replied, writing a prescription. “Here, have them fill this at the pharmacy down the hall. Take one pill every morning for the next three weeks, and then come and see me again.” Three weeks later, the old man returned to the doctor’s office. “It’s horrible, Doc,” the man said. “Every time I pass gas, it brings tears to my eyes. It smells like a skunk crawled up an elephant’s butt and died! What have you done to me?” “I’ve restored your sense of smell,” the doctor replied. “Next I’m going to see what can do about your hearing.” FrankL, tkdguy and Cancer 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted July 24, 2015 Report Share Posted July 24, 2015 Must transmit this to father-in-law. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted August 7, 2015 Report Share Posted August 7, 2015 For those of my generation who do not use and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. And it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist. Rails, Burrito Boy and Narf the Mouse 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted August 9, 2015 Report Share Posted August 9, 2015 Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. That's actually a foundational problem in getting computers to understand English...And a good way of explaining why it's a hard problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zeropoint Posted August 9, 2015 Report Share Posted August 9, 2015 Wait, what are time flies? Are they like Langoliers, or related to clock roaches? Old Man 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted August 12, 2015 Report Share Posted August 12, 2015 Battlecat is hanging off of He-Man, who is hanging off of Peter Pan, as they fly over the sea to rescue Thundarr the Barbarian. He-Man calls up "Anything I should do?" Peter Pen yells back down... "Just don't stop believin'..." "...And hold on to that feline!" tkdguy and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted August 13, 2015 Report Share Posted August 13, 2015 NSFW A 75-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!" Burrito Boy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 16, 2015 Report Share Posted August 16, 2015 I felt like posting a few chemistry jokes today, but I didn't. All the good ones argon. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrankL Posted August 16, 2015 Report Share Posted August 16, 2015 Take those chemistry puns and barium! Sorry. Couldn't resist. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted August 16, 2015 Report Share Posted August 16, 2015 IIRC there used to be a site called "It Was a Dark and Stormy Nitrogen" full of those. Gotta see if it's still around. EDIT: Not finding it. Time to go look in my Double-secret Archives for a chatroom transcript. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L. Marcus Posted August 16, 2015 Report Share Posted August 16, 2015 ... Why did you say?! Now you'll have to eliminate all of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted August 16, 2015 Report Share Posted August 16, 2015 This is the archive that hasn't been connected to the Internet since I did FORMAT C: back in 2004, IIRC. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L. Marcus Posted August 16, 2015 Report Share Posted August 16, 2015 Off the grid. How rugged! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted August 17, 2015 Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT, there are CHANGES 1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice. 2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud. 3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop *bleep*ing me off. 4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work. 5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it." 6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation. 7. The day the world runs out of cold beer is just too terrible to think about. 8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound! 9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller. 10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees. 11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please, I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes". 12. At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. Burrito Boy, Hermit, TheQuestionMan and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 17, 2015 Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 From Let ε < 0: Good reasons for not doing your math homework: I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames. I have the proof, but there isn’t room to write it in this margin. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn’t actually reach it. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged. I couldn’t figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn’t find it. I’ve included a reference to the solutions manual, reducing this assignment to one previously solved. I had too much π and got sick. death tribble, Lawnmower Boy, tkdguy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burrito Boy Posted August 17, 2015 Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 From Let ε < 0: Good reasons for not doing your math homework: I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it. The Hounds of Tindalos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted August 18, 2015 Report Share Posted August 18, 2015 It could be also be a deer. The Hind of Tindalos....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 21, 2015 Report Share Posted August 21, 2015 Q: How many Mac users does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Apple engineers decided that the average Mac user would never need to change a light bulb, so there's no way to do it. Have you considered upgrading to an iLamp? Burrito Boy and FrankL 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 21, 2015 Report Share Posted August 21, 2015 Q: How many Mac users does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Apple engineers decided that the average Mac user would never need to change a light bulb, so there's no way to do it. Have you considered upgrading to an iLamp? Here is your iLamp...careful what you wish for. Luxo, Jr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 21, 2015 Report Share Posted August 21, 2015 Q: How many Mac users does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Apple engineers decided that the average Mac user would never need to change a light bulb, so there's no way to do it. Have you considered upgrading to an iLamp? Philips Hue lights has you covered. Apple HomeKit support coming this Fall in the US (video announcement). ( looks like the jokes on you ) tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted August 21, 2015 Report Share Posted August 21, 2015 Way to kill a joke, Baz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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